We are full steam ahead on this new adventure of including another spirit into this family. It is exciting, scary, and mind blowing all at the same time. I am 14 weeks pregnant and getting LARGE. It seems as though my body fell back into being pregnant quite comfortably and quickly.
I have been exhausted and feeling a bit haggard. Growing one baby while chasing a toddler is not an easy feat. I have had to exercise a lot of control to keep my anger, frustration and fatigue in check.
I think today I have turned a corner. I was flooded with doubt and general feelings of insecurity for the past few months. I know a lot of this is hormonal but I also think I had lost my inner strentgh. For the past three days I have been using a mantra of “trust yourself”. I am using this to propel myself into opportunities to be kinder to myself and put myself at the forefront of my energies.
Today I have gotten some work for my job done, I went to the gym and I have done some chores around the house. This included some amazing quality time with my little girl. This morning she picked carrots from our garden and ate them for breakfast. It was pure joy we shared while coloring and drawing farms to visit. I washed some new clothes for the baby and got officially excited to do this again. I look in the mirror and I have already gotten back the pudgy and chub I had worked so hard to loose but I know that this is weight of happiness I carry now. I don’t have to feel shamed or defeated by my appearance. I am building a nest.
I have been on a journey of pushing myself to shed my barriers and baggage of my childhood and rediscover the free wheeling, risk-taking artist within.The news of having baby number two sent me into a scary place of doubt and fear.
I am realizing some of my fears are because of my own experiences as a sibling. I don’t have a lot of happy brother-sister memories. I wish I did. That’s part of the problem. I had a shitty relationship with my brother and I spent most of my life trying to pretend it was better or that we were close. I would have been better of to accept it as a shitty relationship and move on. Not easy for a child to do.
I am worried that my daughter and her sibling will fight life my brother and I did. I was on the receiving end of a lot of verbal and physical abuse. I did not recognize it as unacceptable or horrific circumstances – it was just my life. I went most of my life thinking this is what most people experienced. I have felt like an outsider and worthless because I did not prescribe to my brother’s bully sense of humor. I kept quiet and let this fester and destroy me from the inside out. I know that it is not a family dynamic I want for my children. I am working on the concept that I will foster a different dynamic with my family. It is going to take a lot of work but I must do it.
Juliana gives me so much joy. I am learning about life and love every moment because of her. Maybe the Universe has decided I have earned an extra helping of this love. I have felt so unworthy my whole life but there is an excitement to think I am being blessed.
We have another appointment with the doctors on Monday. Juliana is going with me to hear the baby’s heartbeat. After this appointment we are telling our families the news. I need to embrace all of this for myself and not look to others’ reactions to determine my fate. Sometimes I still get caught in a trap of needing my parents’ approval or acceptance. This is my new family and I am determined to wrap myself in love and bravery.
It is so surreal we are having this baby. We spent so much time debating whether or not we should engage in any intervention. We decided to not pursue medical help and let it be. “one and done”. Both children were not planned but the Universe giving us what we need when we need it. Ok- here we go.