Month: July 2013

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Down came the rain

Last night Juliana was singing “Itsy Bitsy Spider”. She sings the first line and looks to us to sing the rest. Because of this song, she sees spiders and their webs and gets excited calling out “Bitsy”. It has brought us so much joy and wonder at how smart this little one is.

She has moved on the attempt the next line of the song. “Down came the rain…” however, she gets a little confused because she likes the part where I sing “washed”. So there were a few times that the line came out “down came the washed”, then it was “down came the what”. Later in the evening, before bed she began the song again to insert her new version that includes the line “don’t give up”. Then as children do, she was like a little broken record repeating this phrase again and again; “don’t give up”, don’t give up”, “don’t give up”.

At first I corrected her saying down came the rain and then listened to her, to the sentiment. My mind was blown. Is this a mere mistake of wording and sound or has she learned a lesson from this song, from this “Bitsy” – don’t give up. Is it possible that my 19 month old is this profound or is it a funny coincidence?

“Don’t give up, don’t give up, don’t give up”.

I spent that past 24 hours reflecting on this little mantra of hers. I hadn’t thought I was giving up on anything but as I looked at my life right now, I realised that maybe it is the little defeats, the small ways that I relinquish, or no longer stay invested in what could be something great. Am I that spider continuaously on a heroic journey even when I am deciding whether or not to do my sit-ups, brush my hair, drink water instead of coffee, think good thoughts, finish a task, fold the laundry, put my shoes away, floss, laugh a little more, eat better, pray and say thank you, do the dishes, write letters, smile at strangers, breathe through it all…

Maybe the boring tasks of life that help preserve my sanity and heal my soul are thus monumental in the bigger scope. Maybe I am that spider climbing a water spout in a rainstorm. As I reshape ‘the dream’ each day and embrace what the world has to offer, I can be positive, tenacious and hopeful.

It is also quite coincidental that recently I took another certification exam for teaching to extend the possibilities of what I am allowed to teach. I had to write an essay on a poem that I had to memorize in graduate school. At first I was relieved during the exam that I was already familiar with the poem. However, I had to memorize it for a voice class in Acting school. I had made a connection to it but now, now I was wearing the poem like my skin. Seriously, while I read and reread that poem during this exam, I was fusing myself into it. The poem is about a spider. I have looked at so many spiders ( Bitsys ) lately so it seemed chosen just for me.

A Noiseless Patient Spider -Walt Whitman

A noiseless patient spider, I mark’d where on a little promontoryit stood isolated,
Mark’d how to explore the vacant vast surrounding, It launch’d forth filament, filament, filament, out of itself, Ever unreeling them, ever tirelessly speeding them.
And you O my soul where you stand, Surrounded, detached, in measureless oceans of space, Ceaselessly musing, venturing, throwing, seeking the spheres to connect them, Till the bridge you will need be form’d, till the ductile anchor hold, Till the gossamer thread you fling catch somewhere, O my soul.

The universe is speaking. through spiders, through teacher certification exams, through my daughter. The universe is speaking and I am listening.

don’t give up…

original post 20 June 2013

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Wait

Waiting for test results.  Not a good feeling.  I have been told that I have tumors and cysts that are not cancerous but are growing and could be causing other difficulties in being the healthiest me I can be.  No bueno. 
 
8 weeks ago we were presented with the option of wait and watch.  I find it mind blowing that wait and watch is legit medical advice. The treatment for my cysts involves birth control. However we haven’t decided if we are “done” having a family. Not that the pill would completely end this but at my age not sure we want to make things more difficult or take any longer.
 
I have had my next round of scans and I am waiting to hear from the doctor’s office.  I called them to day to remind them that the scans were a week ago – they said they will get back to me.  WHAT? I realise I am not dying but something is growing in my body that makes me feel sick and could be preventing me from having another child.  They’ll get back to me. 
 
Original post  25april2013
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It’s alright…

There are little moments of bravery and selfishness in my life that are in dire need of celebrating. This morning included one of them. I took time to honor my body, mind, spirit and connection to others. I went to yoga class. I know this may sound silly – like – big deal, you went to yoga. Yet, it is a big deal. I didn’t stay home to take care of everyone there for three hours. Quite often I will give up plans so I can give all my focus to the family. If my husband’s schedule changes at the last minute and he is going to be home I normally would give yoga a miss and hang out with family time. However, I need to honor me as well. This is something I know, I preach but rarely practice. Today, I did it. Yay me. I also let myself be. I went into yoga class ready to just “do what I can”. I know I am not in the best shape of my life but I also know the key to making a change is loving the me that is inside. Funny thing was I discovered I could do more that just a few days prior. I didn’t push myself, I just got out of the way. This is an INCREDIBLY difficult concept for me. I have been reminded of it far too often and always feel defeated. Not today. Today, it’s alright. I also shared this day with a good friend. I didn’t feel that in order to meditate, concentrate or even work on me I needed to be alone. I brought a friend and we had our own experiences and we also had this joined experience. Now I can only speak for me but I really needed to juggle that ability to be in my own world and connect with others. Two separate experiences that overlap. It was good. I didn’t compete. I didn’t worry. I didn’t get distracted. I got out of the way. Sometimes it is difficult to share these journeys with others. I am vulnerable and so so so fragile in my vulnerability. This is something I have hidden. I think I am learning to let my vulnerability shine like another bright star in my personal sky. okay, that sounds silly. I am learning to be at peace with my little neurosis. I get self conscience at the drop of a hat and I have spent a lot of energy to hide that – no more. Today I begin to admit things…and it’s alright. Thanks yoga.

Original post 3Mar2013

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Meaningless thank you

Why oh why do people post on fb that they want to thank people that will NEVER read their profile?  Have you noticed this happening? It seems foolish to me.  Why not seize the moment and say thank you directly to people OR send a card directly to them.  If they don’t know you, why would they be trolling your social network pages in order to read a thank you for some random act or even worse a thank you for their JOB. I think it is ridiculous to shroud one’s attempts to encourage the world to ask about one’s life or get invested in your personal drama into a pathetic attempt at a thank you. WHy not just say shit like:

“I would like to thank everyone who crossed the street today with the light instead of jumping out into traffic making me slam on my breaks.”

“I would like to thank the kid at the grocery store for sending my items down a conveyor belt. Thanks.”

“Thank you to all those people out there I don’t know and will never read this for doing whatever it is you do, saying whatever it is you say because apparently it is so valuable to me I can’t say thank you to your face and move on with my life.”

I guess it is because too many people I am friends with need to thank someone they don’t know in order to indirectly tell me something important in their lives. Isn’t this baiting your friends?  Also, I am a bit miffed that good friends tell shit to fb before me.

I would like to say thank you to everyone who has directly thanked me instead of expecting me to find a moment of gratitude and appreciation online…and hopefully I have already acknowledged you in person.

original post 19feb2013

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A Case of You

Love hate mitts

Love hate mitts

Somewhere in the middle of the night before my daughter was born, I was struggling and thought she would never come out.  I had a very long labor.  I cherish every moment now but at the time, I was scared.  I was exhausted.  I was confused.  I was scheduled to be induced at 41 weeks.  I would have to go into the hospital on Sunday evening.  I felt defeated.  I didn’t want to be induced.  I wanted that unexpected “oh my God it is happening” moment.  We decided that we would do whatever we could to get this started.  I ate spicy food, went for a mile walk and had sex. Finally at 5pm on Saturday I started to have labor pains.  They progressed and became very difficult to manage but I did not begin to dialate.  In and out of the hospital we went from Saturday evening to Sunday afternoon. Our doula, Randy, came to the house to help me through.  I was vomiting and unable to keep anything down.  I was dehydrated.  Randy had helped me push through many hours at home and then recommended I head off to the hospital in the afternoon. Visit after visit from the midwife I was not dialating.   Each hour that approached we were convinced that it would bring the birth of our baby girl.  And each hour passed with major pain and no progression.  My husband sat in a horribly uncomfortable chair, playing video games, telling stories and trying not to be impatient while having a chat with me.  I was tired.

 
Somewhere in the blur of time and pain, an incredibly familiar and soothing voice cut through to my heart.  Joni Mitchell brought me into a place of calm, courage and connection to my inner spirit. It renewed my sense of self and I felt as if everything was blissfully as it should be – pain, fatigue and confusion were now my friends. It is amazing what music can do for me.  I salute you Joni as you have saved me countless times from being swallowed into darkness or despair.
I looked over and saw my husband’s eyes.  He was rubbing my feet and smiling.  ~How did he know?  How did he know I needed him, needed Joni, I needed.  
I could drink a case of you.
We traveled the next haze of labor with a soundtrack that was so perfect that even on my best day I couldn’t have planned it.  It was as if the universe saw that we opened a door and it swept in and flooded me with a musical support system that touched all of us.  With every song, we giggled and inhaled at its poignant timing.  Sometimes opening Pandora’s box reveals wondrous things that are beautiful, funny and perfect. Joni wafted in and out of that morning.  I feel like she was present at the birth of my daughter.  I thank Neil Young, Eva Cassidy, Stevie Wonder, CSN, Dylan, the Dead and many others that connected Matt, Juliana, and I even stronger to each other.  My daughter was born at 9:50 in the morning to Buckley singing Leonard Cohen’s classic “Alleluia” song.  
Love
 
original post 16 Feb2013
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Pulling into Nazareth

A twist and turn of weather and emotion today.

How do you rejoice in someone’s accomplishments when you know they must leave, move on, get help –

a young man today wished to shock me with his plans of possible destruction.  I assured him I would not freak out but I would peacefully go forth to get him the help he needs.  Does he want this help – perhaps not.  Is he serious? Who wants to take that chance…

What is happening in the world, in our nation.  We are consumed with death, violence and pain.  We as a society as consumed by all of this with a thirst for either destruction or frustration.  It is overwhelming that so many children will intimately know violence throughout their childhood.Guns have steadily made their presence so prominently into their daily lives.  So many young adults are desensitized to the dangers and peril of hate, weapons and death. What is the cause and can we alter this trajectory? I shall drag myself into a more spiritual frame of mind and I say drag because I have lost a bit of the path.  This weekend’s quest is listen more to the universe and nature and God.  Also begin a fresh dialogue with my spiritual self. Heal heal heal.

original post  9 Feb2013

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Through the thicket I go…

I would love to write that I am dauntless in my adventure with reflection and commitment to writing. However I have learned that being more familiar and honest with my fears and doubts

Flowers delivered 14Nov2011

Flowers delivered 14Nov2011

at least makes them smaller – more manageable.

My little girl is crawling around the cottage, playing with the cats and enjoying a delightful snack of animal crackers. She is my renewed spirit in myself. I have deepened my determination to become the woman I so wish to be, the woman I am. I am capable of being amazing and proud of my accomplishments and I know that my biggest obstacle is myself.

Through the thicket I go to see a new side of myself.

My little one is singing a song and exploring everything the world has to offer. As I am committed to keeping options open for her, making wonderful possibilities come her way – I need to provide these things for myself. I am loyal to my heart more than I have ever been. The workout plans, the diet dreams and the artistic endeavors are all within my reach if I stretch out for them.

Here I will unveil the process. Does this lead to the secret garden – what am I planting, harvesting, nurturing in this garden?

original post 8feb2013