footprints on my soul
What do you take with you? Everyday is another journey and some moments, feelings, people and things move with you and some get left along the side of the road.
I am at a crucial moment in my life. I am being forced to take the final swing of the axe on an eleven year friendship. The other person in this relationship has been one of the closest people in my life for years. In the past few months, I have kept my distance because I didn’t feel emotionally, spiritually nor mentally safe.
I have battled a situation at work with an abusive co-worker, difficult expectations and stressful assessments. I no longer want to be ruled or exhausted by them – I choose to see challenges as an opportunity to shine and learn. I know I can communicate and prosper among those that are full of stress and negative energy. I can surf through it.
I look back at this picture and I am quickly reminded of what really matters in life and how temporary it all is. I choose to focus on the good things in life, the love. I choose to enjoy moment to moment surrounded with those that encourage me to let go of negative baggage. I move forward into this new year with the hope and understanding that I can control my own perspective and actions. I am responsible for how much thought and energy goes into each relationship and the feelings generated from them. I choose happiness and love.
I look at this picture and I feel the prints in my heart and soul that have been made with love and joy. I look at this picture and let the tide wash the rest away. I have learned from the mistakes and pain and now I let go.
“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.” -Nelson Mandela
I was deeply saddened and reflective upon learning of Mandela’s death. I was home from work and my husband saw it on Twitter moments after it was announced. We had just been having a discussion about something he said to me the night before. I didn’t feel it was very kind and yes, I was a little resentful. We were talking it through – rather I was talking it through. He was listening and then waiting until I was through and changed the topic – usually how it goes. Usually leaves me feeling unsettled and resentful.
Then Mandela died and I was overcome by a flood of memories. Memories throughout my life of learning about this man. I have always been an admirer. He has been an inspiration through out my teenage years and beyond. I sat down and turned on the news. I listened to the President speak. I cried a little. Then I turned off the tele and went to pick up my daughter from daycare. I embraced her with the love of ages. I silently tried to transfer a respect for Mandela’s journey and what I have learned. I gave thanks that education is and always be an opportunity for her. I soaked up the sight and sounds of her to carry with me whenever we are apart.
Then, yesterday a co-worker reminded me of this Mandela quote. Of all the quotes that flooded to my head, this one did not…until she gave it to me. I needed it. I didn’t know how much until that moment but I needed it.
I am swirling inside with unresolved bitter and hurt feelings. They seem to increase every time I try to work them out. This weekend I am reflecting on this quote and examining myself and what I hold onto. I am rejoicing in the here and now as it is full of love and hope. I shall try to “forget the past” and leak out my toxic resentment.
Love is strength.
For the longest time I had people close to me tell me I needed to learn to be more selfish. I thought what a horrible thing to aspire to – but I gave it try. I think my efforts have failed me as I have learned to be selfish in the wrong ways. What my loved ones meant when telling me to be selfish was to be stronger in my commitment to myself, my dreams. I need to be more confident in my place in this world as a beacon of love. The more I try to please others and their manipulative ways, the more manipulative and unhappy I become. Then enter the resentment, the poison. It has been festering throughout my body and has caused me sickness, sanity and time…time that could be spent being content.
Ok Mandela. I continue to learn from you and be amazed that someone so human and so prolific has been in my world. I begin a week of reflecting on letting go and setting goals formyself. It sounds so new age and flimsy but I am inspired.
“It always seems impossible until it is done” – Mandela
It is Thanksgiving. I am grateful and appreciative of so very much. I begin my day by Thanking the Universe that I am here and healthy and happy to enjoy all it offers today. I am thankful for the love and support of my husband and the joy and love of my daughter. Their presence in my life is continual motivation to celebrate myself and this life.
I am thankful for friends. I have some beautiful people in my life that are wonderful friends. Recently I have been thinking a lot about friendship and what makes a real friend. Because of this introspective I have looked at some relationships in my life that are gloriously healthy and some that are terribly toxic. I am remembering that as an adult I can reshape my commitments to myself and others every day. I am not bound to anyone or anything that is not a welcomed source of joy and love.
There are ups and downs of every relationship – yet to allow others or yourself to pound you down and down and down – is disfunctional and unwanted. I am embracing this and under renovations in my life.