“The is never a time in the future in which we will work out our salvation. The challenge is in the moment, the time is always now.” -James Baldwin DWCHS ’42
April 3 – This was our closing meditation in yoga this morning. We are reinforcing that we are control of our actions and how we focus our energy. I am never quite certain from where the quote or intention will come and yet every week as if by magic it happens. I am so blessed to be part of a group of young people that are using yoga and meditation to redirect their futures.
I have found this quote particularly helpful in warding off feelings of failure and doubt. I am always in the moment of creating my salvation. I am always in the opportunity of generating positive change and growth. It seems as though stress, deadlines, expectations, and frustrations have been consuming my thoughts. I am doing my best to remember that I can breathe and make better choices. I can enlist help when needed. I can believe in the power of now to release me from the mistakes I made before or the perception of myself that is not serving me well. I know that each breath I inhale, I can reflect all the things I am able to do in this moment to feel and be better. With every exhale I breathe out gratitude for the opportunity to be this amazing person with choices and love. This is what I encourage in my students. Go inside and bring in the celebration of self. Breathe out the appreciation and be thankful for the ability to be celebratory. It guarantees motivation and positive energy.
Each moment I take my salvation, my future into my own hands, I am empowering the inner warrior to love, celebrate, and give thanks. In this moment now I am beyond happy that I am bringing yoga into my life with a more focused and dedicated approach. I am grateful that I have students with which I can share my journey and together we learn and grow. Healing is a process. I am coming back stronger and more aware and I am thankful.
Today while at my daughter’s soccer practice, I was chatting with some other parents. One mom that I am friendly with took pause and asked me how I am feeling. It took a moment for it to land on me that she was genuinely asking about me -not my family, my work, my schedule, but asking about ME.
I am so grateful she did that and don’t feel as if I gave it as much appreciation in the moment as it deserved. When I thought about it later, I wrote her a text message to let her know I was grateful.
I would like to do more of that – noticing genuine moments of care and honoring them. I am not going to be grandiose and say that this year, month, week or even day I will commit to that gesture. I am simply going to encourage myself in this moment to be more aware of moments I can be appreciative and do it.
Making time for myself can be difficult. Often I think of things I want to do or change about my life and set these huge goals or create expectations that simply cannot be met. Recently, I was realizing I wanted to get back to my yoga practice. However, with two little ones and a busy schedule, it can be difficult to maintain a regular class practice.
I spoke about this with a friend. I was feeling defeated that it is too difficult to go to yoga class regularly. She suggested something so genius and simple I have to write about it. She suggested I take a small bit of time in the day for me to do yoga. She asked if I “could find 5 minutes today?” SO when I hung up the phone, I found a quiet place to myself and became still. I did one sun salutation and then another and then one more. I heard my kids looking for me so I came back to a place of stillness and simply got quiet with myself for another five minutes. It was great.
Then I thought, what if I gave myself sun salutations each day? If they can become a practice that develops into more – great. If not, let’s see how many days I can give myself that gift. Simple. I am not worried about getting to class or rearranging everyone’s life.
What transpired was amazing. As I carved out my pocket of time and space for sun salutations, my kids watched and began to understand that mommy would need a small window of time to herself and it was okay. Sometimes they even join in and the session grows in length.
This may sound silly to anyone who has freedom over their time. Yet, this is also teaching me and my children important lessons about prioritizing and meditation. My sun salutations challenge is also helping me to see the wonder and opportunity in the whole of my day. There are so many unclaimed moments that can be redirected inward.
So now I challenge myself to #sevensunsalutations where I try to have seven days in a row that I give myself some inner sunshine. If I miss I day, I simply begin again.
Never underestimate the power of a good bath.
When I first moved to Manhattan, I lived in an apartment that was a sublet from a guy I did not know. It was very reasonable rent because it was his families’ apartment – rent stabilized and he was not looking to make money off of us, or at least a lot of money. How fortunate I am to have had this opportunity. I don’t think the move could have been possible otherwise. My amazing friend and roommate worked almost an opposite schedule to mine so my evenings were spent alone. I had very little money when I came to Manhattan. I gave myself two weeks to find a job. Much to my delight, I found one and felt relieved. Now my job was an hourly wage that would certainly not have me rolling in the money but it would cover my rent with a little bit left for food and such. There was nothing left for partying or going out in the evening for a long stretch.
My ritual became an evening bath. I would come home from work. Eat a salad or whatever my nightly ration was and then begin to compile my belongings for sanctuary time. In this apartment our bathroom was small but held the most glorious claw foot tub. I had never lived in a house or apartment with anything but the prefabricated plastic cubical tubs. This tub was magnificent. I was able to stretch out and be completely covered. I would take the phone in there. In case I needed to make a call – I wasn’t getting out for a while. I would surround myself with candles, books, and journals. My usual bath music was Norah Jones but I was often adventurous and daring.
I firmly believe these hot soaks saved me. It did not prevent me from all dangers and bad decisions but I really believe that my ritual and self care kept me aware, sober and healthy more often than not. That is a good thing! Sometimes I fantasize about these bath rituals. I desire to get back into the routine but I know that now I am a wife and a mom…creating such luxurious and self centered time is almost impossible. But I am entering a new phase or quest as I shall call it. I am embarking on a journey of increasing my self love without feeling it is extravagant or excessive. This is imperative to our future.
In my little cottage, we have a claw foot tub. I have bathed both my precious children in this enormous vessel. I have soothed wounds, aching muscles, and washed away tears inside this animal of an appliance. We often talk of remodeling our bathroom and getting rid of the giant tub and putting in a walk-in shower. I can’t bring myself to do it. A really good shower is equally amazing, however, there is something so nurturing and comforting about a bath. Simply looking at it can fill one with a warmth and embrace of pure, tender, care for the soul. It is a place where the troubles of my family are soaked away into reflective conversation and quiet time. It can also be the source of joyous celebrations of a fun filled time in nature. The bath bares witness and holds us while we sit with our experiences and scrub them away from the surface.
Never underestimate the power of a good bath.
I’m in an ER room watching my daughter sleep.
We have been in the ER for almost 12 hours.
Two different hospitals. 1 ambulance ride.
She is so beautiful.
I am humbled by her .
written July 2017
Yesterday while in the grocery store, I overheard someone say “it’s not my job to take care of them.” It was a simple phrase that floated past me and I didn’t even know I heard it until later. A few hours later. I was seated on my deck doing my best to clear my mind for ten minutes. I was feeling quite proud of myself when my chime went off that I had a swirling of thoughts come in and out, but I didn’t abandon my sit. I let it flow. As I opened my eyes and began to take in the flood of sensory items, I heard that phrase from that voice.
“It’s not my job to take care of them.”
I began to think of all the times I may have used that phrase ‘not my job’ in my life. I remember during a brief time of working for Disney, we were specifically taught that it is a collective effort to take care of everything and everyone. Yet, then I honed in on relationships. I could hear that phrase being used even in a manner to liberate one from feeling obligated or co-dependent to someone else’s needs and plans. This didn’t bring me pleasure or a good feeling. I started to reflect on what other way could I reframe that phrase in my own life. I thought of the phrase “calling”. sometimes when something isn’t your job, its your calling. Then I brought up things like need, mission, desire. Taking care of someone else or being mindful of their needs can be a calling. It could be a need, a mission, or a desire.
First, I flipped this phrase to be more positive: It IS my ________ to take care of _________. I tried out inserting my husband into the phrase and saying the words “my job” felt diminutive and submission. When I changed it to desire, it felt connected and passionate. I also quickly was able to be more specific as to what I am taking care. I felt that the original statement was so broad and vague. I was looking for clarity. Then I could easily swing back to the negative statement of “It’s not my desire to…” and I felt free and released from what I did not want.
I began to change it to other people in my life, my kids, my students, my community, even myself. This phrase became powerful and enlightening. It made clear where my energy is going and the impact it is having on my journey. I began saying taking care of (insert activity or task) and then tried to give it a label of function or importance. I started to see the life I am living verse the life that I want. So much can be shifted with our thoughts and words.