There is a voice inside me. It varies in volume but is ever constant. This voice is reminding me that I am on a journey. I am not done. I am not only who I was, but so much more I have forgotten and not yet discovered.
This is something I hear from deep within my body. my heart, my mind, my soul. When I hear these words I can become so powerful if I give myself the moment to say them out loud to myself. Honor these words and magic happens.
I drop the heavy load of guilt, shame, and judgement. I release the joy and pleasure into the universe. I make a contract with myself that there is no one beginning and no single end.
I am vulnerable and meek. I am quiet and cautious. I am observing the world and all its power. I am taking notes. I study the grace and strength of all around me. I take a pause with rage and anger. I am gentle and loving. I am pensive and full.
I am vibrating and steaming and boiling to the top. I can hear nothing but the sound of my own emotions. I spin with the force of generations of earth, wind, and fire. I am infinite in my powerful rage and fervor. I shake the core of my own existence with an outward tsunami of love and raw emotion. I am unstoppable until I am done and empty.
this voice can purify me. It can subdue me. It has the ability to motivate me to move mountains. If I listen and repeat, anything is possible. It is all inside waiting for me to breathe and release the transformative power. It is in me. I breathe. I believe.
A year of motivation and power – a year of DO it.
My mind was focusing on this over the weekend. And somehow in the marination and meditation of the Monday morning chill, these thoughts have shifted.
I am still feeling motivated and powerful. Maybe I am feeling more of this. Now I am breathing in and getting my thoughts, breath, and heart in sync so I can turn this impulsive fervor into calculated action. Decisions can be made in a breath without derailment or hesitation. That is the goal.
I am like the little man spinning straw to gold with each turn of the wheel.
My new routine involves me creeping out of the house in darkness. I attempt to move as swiftly and silently as possible so not to wake everyone sleeping. I ascend the steps to my car in darkness with some moonlight and the sound of the River singing the day arise. I drive to work in contemplative thought and discussion. Once at work, I go to my room and sit in darkness. Sometimes with some oil diffusing and sometimes with some music. I sit and drop into my willingness to be with the day in the best possible way. I practice yoga until it feels complete. Then, I sit again with the newness of myself.
And now I have added to this routine. I write.
I firmly believe this is more ritual than routine. I am connected.
Today my heart, body, and mind converged on a concept of Honor. Today I am charged with honoring the love. I am discovering that I want to be thankful for the love I have received in all forms at all times of my life. I want to honor the love I have given. In reflection of this I feel my breath deepen and know that this giving and receiving of love is breath. It is as essential and simple as breathing.
I am so grateful for those that have loved me throughout my journey. I am so grateful for the immense displays of conventional love as well as the man that stood in the rain and held the door for me this morning. The security guard that hollered “watch your step the floor is wet!”. I am grateful for such love. The love that came from the sleeping student in my class yesterday. I am thankful that he felt safe and comfortable enough to surrender to his needed rest. I am thankful for the kisses from my children as they recharge my soul and send me flung into the universe on a comet of love.
I am honoring myself for the love I have given. For the letters written, the drawings, paintings, and things made with love. The food I have prepared for others and myself. The presents, hugs given, and kisses shared. I honor the love I showed myself when I have stumbled out of despair to rise one more day no knowing why until now. The love that was bound in countless Yes’s and a few No’s. I am capable of such wondrous love and see now the intense beauty it has and the path it will take, the spiral and link to the love I have received and will continue to receive as long as I breathe or have someone’s thoughts breathed about me.
A dear friend said this morning that he is trying to live in the honor of someone whom he loved that recently passed. I think that is possibly one of the greatest things we all can do.
Live in honor of Love.
Give and Receive
I love this book.
Unexpectedly, I received this book as a gift. A new friend was telling me about it. She was floating and swirling with emotion and passion as she spoke of this book I was so intrigued. I put it on my mental list of “get this book and read it”. What is truly amazing that although RF and I are new friends, she knew me well enough to realize my TBR pile is LONG. We are kindred spirits in that sometimes you read a book and you NEED to talk about it. You NEED to share it and know that it is wrapping up your loved ones in its wisdom and imagination. We saw each other on a retreat in April when she was gushing over this book. In May she presented me with the book and I was overjoyed.
I wasn’t sure what to expect and found myself pulled into this book with self examining interest. Although it isn’t a book about self healing and change, it is exactly was it became. I appreciate the opportunity to look deeply into my own practice of reciprocity and my relationship with our natural world. I discovered a liberation in sorts and began to embrace gratitude on a whole new level. “Braiding Sweetgrass” has begun to assist me in understanding my role in global harmony and change.
The Post Christmas Pre New year window has always been a stressful time for me. I noticed an increase in relief when I let go of making plans for New Year Eve’s festivities. The year I decided that I didn’t need to be somewhere special or with someone special in order to conjure up good things to come was the year that I began to find some peace with this emotionally charged time of the year.
This year I was hoping to relax and disconnect from everything that is swirling in my mind a million miles an hour. That however is not in the Universe’s plan. I was silly to think that disconnection would ever be in the Universe’s Plan for me. Christmas Day brought me what felt like endless waves of emotional discomfort, being rushed, ignored, and angry. I tried to articulate my feelings, send up the flares that I was in need of some help to process. Looking back I realize my mistake was in looking to someone else to help me through instead of spending the time to look within and find my answers and strength.
Christmas night I walked alone. I walked and walked. I sat and watched the water and the moon. I listened. I sat still and listened to my heart. I am taking time now to seek comfort within myself. I am taking time to allow myself to work through what is unfolding. This process may seem trivial to others. I am on a journey. I know this. I have spent a lot of time recently trying to build a communities, teams of emotional support and guidance. I have poured myself into relationships and I am feeling alone and exhausted from the efforts. I am looking around and realizing that I am going to redirect my energy into my own body and mind and build that community.
I am engaging in my morning ritual of meditation, yoga, and prayer. I was wavering on this practice, but now I feel peaceful and committed to my practice. Two days ago I went outside and practiced in the rain. As it misted over my skin and I stood in warrior, I felt a voice call out “Power and Motivation.” It became a mantra through every asana and breath. Power and Motivation will thrust me into the day and guide me. The next morning I sat and sank into Dirgha breath as the wind blew the large leaves around me. It whispered “Open and be Willing.” I unfolded and allowed my self to float in love with what was and what is to come. This morning I sat. I breathed. I moved when an impulse took me. I allowed my body to go wherever it was driven. I felt nothing. I breathed and allowed my impulse to move me. I did this not planning out my sequence or even opening my eyes. I dropped into someplace of purity between breaths, a place of prayer. And then it came, the voice inside asked me to purge. To let go. I felt another whisper reminding me not control what that means but allow. I took a deep breath and agreed to let go today. Then my body said step forward, step out of that puddle and into New.
I am listening. I am creating. I am breathing. I am letting go.
Stepping out of the puddle into New.
April 17 – This week I wanted my yoga students to not only make strides in their personal practice of focus, stretch, strength, and balance; but I wanted them to know that anything was possible because they possess all the tools they need to be successful. I wanted them to believe that they hold their power. Our mediation was centered on the quote:
Everything you need, your courage, strength, compassion and love; everything you need is already within you.
I began class with that phrase and ended with it. I also told them:
There are only two mistakes someone can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting. -Buddha
I could feel them melt as they released into these ideas. When I said it at the beginning of class, it was something to think about and roll around in their brains. When I said it again at the end of class, I could feel the kids grow and get more powerful. It is the most amazing feeling in the world to feel that inner strength from someone radiate into the room. I am so thankful for this opportunity.
Then it flooded me like a fiery bubbling wave. I needed to hear this and say this. I needed to remind myself that I do not need to search anywhere but in my own self for all the courage, strength, compassion, and love I need. I have it. I have had it all along. So much of my upbringing has reinforced the American scheme of being dependent on commercialism, self doubt, and self deprecation in order to survive. I am reteaching myself to look within and like what is there. I am learning to be faithful in myself and capabilities.
“The is never a time in the future in which we will work out our salvation. The challenge is in the moment, the time is always now.” -James Baldwin DWCHS ’42
April 3 – This was our closing meditation in yoga this morning. We are reinforcing that we are control of our actions and how we focus our energy. I am never quite certain from where the quote or intention will come and yet every week as if by magic it happens. I am so blessed to be part of a group of young people that are using yoga and meditation to redirect their futures.
I have found this quote particularly helpful in warding off feelings of failure and doubt. I am always in the moment of creating my salvation. I am always in the opportunity of generating positive change and growth. It seems as though stress, deadlines, expectations, and frustrations have been consuming my thoughts. I am doing my best to remember that I can breathe and make better choices. I can enlist help when needed. I can believe in the power of now to release me from the mistakes I made before or the perception of myself that is not serving me well. I know that each breath I inhale, I can reflect all the things I am able to do in this moment to feel and be better. With every exhale I breathe out gratitude for the opportunity to be this amazing person with choices and love. This is what I encourage in my students. Go inside and bring in the celebration of self. Breathe out the appreciation and be thankful for the ability to be celebratory. It guarantees motivation and positive energy.
Each moment I take my salvation, my future into my own hands, I am empowering the inner warrior to love, celebrate, and give thanks. In this moment now I am beyond happy that I am bringing yoga into my life with a more focused and dedicated approach. I am grateful that I have students with which I can share my journey and together we learn and grow. Healing is a process. I am coming back stronger and more aware and I am thankful.
I recently had an opportunity to go on retreat with myself. I escaped for a few days from my daily grind in order to let go of some internal baggage and hopefully fall a little bit in love with myself. I quickly honed in and realised that I am no longer interested in ripping open old wounds, reliving bad moments of my past or bringing up a lot of garbage that has weighed me down, only to wallow in it. I am okay doing all of that as long as I see it, identify, learn, and move on. I want to Build a Bridge and get over it.
This is crucial. This is liberating. I am open to an exorcism if I know I have some cleansing and cleaning power at the ready.
I am fortunate. I have a great therapist. I have a wonderful husband and children. Everyone is on my team, encouraging me to keep the celebration of myself going…it took a lot to get to this place , but I am proud I am here.
Since my personal retreat, I have experienced a couple of potential stress hurricanes. I was somewhat surprised with my ability to quickly access a place of calm openness and a powerful commitment to my own limitations. There is strength in saying I am at my capacity. It helps you move forward without picking up more than you can handle. I was able to listen to a troubled friend without getting consumed by the drama or hurt. I have had a habit in the past to take it on in order to help their pain…meanwhile clogging my own ability to move on. No more. I also was at work and a colleague wanted to take my time without respect or efficiency. I said no. I was firm. I stated that I am limited for time and I cannot extend myself anymore especially if there is no plan, agenda or clear objective to how my time will be used. That is a HUGE accomplishment for me. I can suffer from wanting to please or feeling that its better if I give to all…and again it leaves me flattened and furious. Not this time. I learned something crucial at my retreat: Taking on more, carrying more burden does NOT make you stronger. It can weaken you and defeat you. There is so much strength in setting limits and respecting your abilities…it is true self perseverance and love. Strength comes from love.
So yea…I am building a bridge.
i’m sitting in a lobby
near a very large revolving door
occasionally i get a wash
of cold city fumed air
across me then followed by a force of heat
from the guy, seated to my right, breathing
don’t be mad
but this made me think of you
i miss that smile
i wonder what you’re doing,
I see this woman in a puffy black winter coat
held together with a pink cashmere scarf
draped over a pair of mustard yellow sweatpants
cant help but think
if you were here
this moment, this part of my life
would be a poem.
Yesterday I wrote. I wrote a sentence in the morning that went like this:
Today I was greeted by cold blasts that felt good, really good.
And then I had to go. But I returned to my sentence a couple of hours later and wrote for 40 minutes straight. I felt proud and “back” in my groove. I hit publish. A few moments later while rereading, I wanted to adjust some syntax..I hit edit and BLAM…everything disappeared but that first sentence fragment…not even the whole sentence. I panicked. I tried to get it back.
Finally I resolved my self to the winds of change and let it go. I deleted my “Winds of Change” post. I closed the laptop and shrugged. It had been six months since my last post.
Then, this morning, I got an email from a friend. She is reading my blogs…could even be reading right now. I thought of her and her unwavering support. I opened my laptop and here we are…it is that simple in life. Choices surround us every second. I may not like what is being blown at me but I can change my reaction.
Yes. It feels good, really good.