I just walked away from another conversation about money, kids and savings. So let me take this opportunity to talk about a book I am reading and recommending. It seems like recently I am going about my day and all of a sudden I find myself talking or thinking about this book. I have been reading through it in pieces but I am now recommitting to giving a page to page read and review. In case you can get a copy before I finish…it is facilitating amazing conversations about money in my every day life. Get it. Read it. Let’s talk.
Recently my good friend has been struggling with his communication, his interactions, his relationship with a woman he was dating. This whole process from the moment I found out he was dating this woman has been strained and stifling for him and well for his friends who watched this emotional destruction. I have been supportive and nonjudgemental as long as possible. However, the past few weeks have had me speaking firmly to him. I have condensed my ideas and advice into one word: EJECT. It has become a mantra as he vents. we say “eject, eject, eject. ” I think this helps us both feel at ease as we help him have permission to walk away.
This has been a very insightful and rewarding experience for me – helping him to close the door on an unhealthy relationship. I recently did the same in my own life and it was excruciating. I stayed in an unhealthy relationship for years. I became a different person when I was with this friend. I became someone I did not like. During the thankfully last tumultuous spat with this person, I found myself exhausted, fearful and almost emotionally paralyzed. Another close friend tried to stay impartial but very graciously said, “it doesn’t have to be this awful. You are not this person with anyone else. Its time to stop. Its OK. You are not a bad person if you recognize you cannot change the toxins but it is bad if you keep ingesting them. It’s OK – hit the eject button.
I did. Without a lengthy goodbye or discussion. I just did it. Eject. I walked away and closed a door – whatever metaphor you want to put on it. I was sad and torn. I didn’t get a chance to tell this friend my side of anything or hash out my feelings and frustrations. I didn’t respond to accusations, blame or delusions. I didn’t try to compromise, console, or attack. I just hit eject. It sounds like exactly the wrong way to do it but it wasn’t. Sometimes it is better to just stop. Another great person in my life said, “The thing about banging your head against the wall is how good it feels when you finally stop.”
So recently I found myself stronger and more insightful and humble. I was able to tell someone else that although it can be draining, embarrassing and horrible to be entwined in a toxic relationship, just know that it is ok to simply hit the eject button. Eject, eject, eject. I care very much for my friend and it is difficult to watch him caught in a whirlpool of toxic faux love. I know I can’t tell him whom he should fall for or date. I support him in his decisions but I also can’t stand by and watch someone else diminish the person I care for and admire.
He has hit the button.
He now is more direct in his statements. Owning his actions, his feelings and contributions to all of his relationships. It is amazing how wishy-washy and self deprecating he had become. (It is very reminiscent to what I was doing all the time not so long ago.) I am very reflective of how far I have come this year in my own self worth and appreciation because I am able to help someone I am friends with let go of a demon. Eject. Eject. Eject.
I know I will come back to these realizations for me and in helping him. It is now empowering because I am coming out of the haze of defeat and guilt. I am emerging into a new phase of loving myself and honoring the good that I put out in the world. I hope I help my friend get there too.
There are little moments of bravery and selfishness in my life that are in dire need of celebrating. This morning included one of them. I took time to honor my body, mind, spirit and connection to others. I went to yoga class. I know this may sound silly – like – big deal, you went to yoga. Yet, it is a big deal. I didn’t stay home to take care of everyone there for three hours. Quite often I will give up plans so I can give all my focus to the family. If my husband’s schedule changes at the last minute and he is going to be home I normally would give yoga a miss and hang out with family time. However, I need to honor me as well. This is something I know, I preach but rarely practice. Today, I did it. Yay me. I also let myself be. I went into yoga class ready to just “do what I can”. I know I am not in the best shape of my life but I also know the key to making a change is loving the me that is inside. Funny thing was I discovered I could do more that just a few days prior. I didn’t push myself, I just got out of the way. This is an INCREDIBLY difficult concept for me. I have been reminded of it far too often and always feel defeated. Not today. Today, it’s alright. I also shared this day with a good friend. I didn’t feel that in order to meditate, concentrate or even work on me I needed to be alone. I brought a friend and we had our own experiences and we also had this joined experience. Now I can only speak for me but I really needed to juggle that ability to be in my own world and connect with others. Two separate experiences that overlap. It was good. I didn’t compete. I didn’t worry. I didn’t get distracted. I got out of the way. Sometimes it is difficult to share these journeys with others. I am vulnerable and so so so fragile in my vulnerability. This is something I have hidden. I think I am learning to let my vulnerability shine like another bright star in my personal sky. okay, that sounds silly. I am learning to be at peace with my little neurosis. I get self conscience at the drop of a hat and I have spent a lot of energy to hide that – no more. Today I begin to admit things…and it’s alright. Thanks yoga.
Original post 3Mar2013