Connect

I am finding it difficult to find a pathway, a direction that feels genuine to me because I am living life trapped in a body, in a framework that does not feel authentic to my goals. Whenever I try to focus on feeling better about my body or my life and try to “get myself back on track”, I feel disappointed and flustered. Several times a day I can walk past a mirror or glass windows and see my reflection. I am almost always taken off guard and shocked or disgusted by what I process or behold. Several times a day this can happen. Almost as if my brain refuses to accept what I am on a surface level. This is not good because I can never be in the moment if I can’t be who I am in the moment. I am in a constant flux between loathing or promising change, never acceptance.

Tonight I am trying to recommit to myself. I am trying to have a conversation of love and hope towards myself and what each new breath can offer. I do not want to waste time on empty promises or punish myself for being me. I am taking breath and attempting genuine love. This is not easy. Even as I type this, I pause for another breath in and try to think about something that I can celebrate about myself. I am sad that I have to do this but I must accept that this is where I am – it is me…for right now. I want to remind myself tonight before I set my brain towards sleep, that I am an agent of change and I can bring positive change to myself. I deserve the investment of time, planning and care towards committing to being in a perpetual state of positive change and flow.

I have heard so many times the phrase “be kind to yourself” and have often dismissed it as an excuse for mediocrity. I have not been able to wrap my brain, heart and soul around this concept of self kindness. I am trying. So, tonight, I am going to embark on a little journey of being kind to myself. I am combining my discipline of daily writing with this concept of acceptance and self love. I am going to tell you that I didn’t do much along the lines of losing the weight I desperately want to lose. I didn’t give hours of my day to my art. I didn’t make plans or devote myself to getting ahead at work. Yet, I did stay calm during several times I wanted to lose my temper. I celebrated silly jumps into the pool by my five year old. I curled up and became a cushion for my two year old to nap and recharge. I said please, thank you, and my pleasure more times than I can count. My kids went to bed happy, safe, and fed. My parents are smiling and reliving every wonderful moment they had with their grandkids today. Here I am in the middle of it all, reminding myself that I am worthy of a pat on the back. I may even rub my own feet before I sleep. I help bring happiness to the world around me and it is silly not to allow myself to feel some of that, take some of that, own some of that for myself.

Quick thought: I would never tell an Iris it is not beautiful because it doesn’t look enough like a daisy…

Pick Me Up

I am so tired. I am drained. However, I sit here in a sea of paperwork and to-do lists ready to soldier on.  This is what I do. I am trying to put my focus in other places, places that serve my soul. I am giving attention to the to-do lists that fill my heart. Even though I have not had a good night’s rest and I am hungry, I am moving forward with energy. I am finding energy for the things and the people I love. I am finding energy for myself.

 

Build a Bridge

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I recently had an opportunity to go on retreat with myself. I escaped for a few days from my daily grind in order to let go of some internal baggage and hopefully fall a little bit in love with myself. I quickly honed in and realised that I am no longer interested in ripping open old wounds, reliving bad moments of my past or bringing up a lot of garbage that has weighed me down, only to wallow in it. I am okay doing all of that as long as I see it, identify, learn, and move on. I want to Build a Bridge and get over it.

This is crucial. This is liberating. I am open to an exorcism if I know I have some cleansing and cleaning power at the ready.

I am fortunate. I have a great therapist. I have a wonderful husband and children. Everyone is on my team, encouraging me to keep the celebration of myself going…it took a lot to get to this place , but I am proud I am here.

Since my personal retreat, I have experienced a couple of potential stress hurricanes. I was somewhat surprised with my ability to quickly access a place of calm openness and a powerful commitment to my own limitations. There is strength in saying I am at my capacity. It helps you move forward without picking up more than you can handle. I was able to listen to a troubled friend without getting consumed by the drama or hurt. I have had a habit in the past to take it on in order to help their pain…meanwhile clogging my own ability to move on. No more. I also was at work and a colleague wanted to take my time without respect or efficiency. I said no. I was firm. I stated that I am limited for time and I cannot extend myself anymore especially if there is no plan, agenda or clear objective to how my time will be used. That is a HUGE accomplishment for me. I can suffer from wanting to please or feeling that its better if I give to all…and again it leaves me flattened and furious. Not this time. I learned something crucial at my retreat: Taking on more, carrying more burden does NOT make you stronger. It can weaken you and defeat you. There is so much strength in setting limits and respecting your abilities…it is true self perseverance and love. Strength comes from love.

So yea…I am building a bridge.

new leaf

We have been through some challenges and changes in my family and I am using this moment to make some serious alterations to myself in hopes to be stronger and more capable of meeting those challenges and adapting to those changes.

I have recently decided to make some serious changes in my life. I have committed to getting healthy and losing weight and generally giving happiness the front seat of my journey.

 

I am 1.5 weeks into the 21 Day Fix by BeachBody. I am on a strict diet and exercise plan. I am also using Shakeology along side this plan to help me get to my goal fitness weight and feel. In the past I have tried diet plans but nothing clicked or worked. I needed more structure more discipline to make a difference. In the first week I lost 2.2 lbs. That is amazing results for me.

When I cut dairy out of my diet a few months ago I lost about a pound a week just removing dairy. Now I am really changing the shape of my body. This plan is difficult and I will be proud if I keep it going for the 21 days. I also think it is one of those things that I will have to do a couple of times to get to where I want to be.

This is an important move in my life. I amnot happy as I want to be. Yes, a lot of that stems from my unhappiness with myself and more specifically with my body. I am embracing that ideals that I cannot change others. I cannot make them love me, make them respect me or help me. I know that I can love, respect and help myself. That is what matters most. I want to show my daughter and son that a woman can be amazing no matter what. I want to be stronger than excuses.

I am off of work today and have worked out and considering exercising some more just for fun.

No Red for 7

So this week I am going without red meat. Seven days of no red meat. The hope is I will then try seven more and maybe cut back or eliminate something else as well.

It is astounding the health benefits that can be gained from eating a cleaner diet. I am overwhelmed by the toxic way of life I have been living in so many ways. This is my summer of a new self, a fresh start.

No red meat 20June-27. I don’t think it will be difficult except that I have come to realize that so much of the crap I eat is out of convenience. We are what I would have called fairly healthy. But in this attempt to be better to myself and be more honest – no we can do better. My husband will NOT give up meat and I do not expect him to do so. I do hope that we can try to shop more responsibly in the future.

 

Wait

Waiting for test results.  Not a good feeling.  I have been told that I have tumors and cysts that are not cancerous but are growing and could be causing other difficulties in being the healthiest me I can be.  No bueno. 
 
8 weeks ago we were presented with the option of wait and watch.  I find it mind blowing that wait and watch is legit medical advice. The treatment for my cysts involves birth control. However we haven’t decided if we are “done” having a family. Not that the pill would completely end this but at my age not sure we want to make things more difficult or take any longer.
 
I have had my next round of scans and I am waiting to hear from the doctor’s office.  I called them to day to remind them that the scans were a week ago – they said they will get back to me.  WHAT? I realise I am not dying but something is growing in my body that makes me feel sick and could be preventing me from having another child.  They’ll get back to me. 
 
Original post  25april2013