I am so tired. I am drained. However, I sit here in a sea of paperwork and to-do lists ready to soldier on. This is what I do. I am trying to put my focus in other places, places that serve my soul. I am giving attention to the to-do lists that fill my heart. Even though I have not had a good night’s rest and I am hungry, I am moving forward with energy. I am finding energy for the things and the people I love. I am finding energy for myself.
I recently had an opportunity to go on retreat with myself. I escaped for a few days from my daily grind in order to let go of some internal baggage and hopefully fall a little bit in love with myself. I quickly honed in and realised that I am no longer interested in ripping open old wounds, reliving bad moments of my past or bringing up a lot of garbage that has weighed me down, only to wallow in it. I am okay doing all of that as long as I see it, identify, learn, and move on. I want to Build a Bridge and get over it.
This is crucial. This is liberating. I am open to an exorcism if I know I have some cleansing and cleaning power at the ready.
I am fortunate. I have a great therapist. I have a wonderful husband and children. Everyone is on my team, encouraging me to keep the celebration of myself going…it took a lot to get to this place , but I am proud I am here.
Since my personal retreat, I have experienced a couple of potential stress hurricanes. I was somewhat surprised with my ability to quickly access a place of calm openness and a powerful commitment to my own limitations. There is strength in saying I am at my capacity. It helps you move forward without picking up more than you can handle. I was able to listen to a troubled friend without getting consumed by the drama or hurt. I have had a habit in the past to take it on in order to help their pain…meanwhile clogging my own ability to move on. No more. I also was at work and a colleague wanted to take my time without respect or efficiency. I said no. I was firm. I stated that I am limited for time and I cannot extend myself anymore especially if there is no plan, agenda or clear objective to how my time will be used. That is a HUGE accomplishment for me. I can suffer from wanting to please or feeling that its better if I give to all…and again it leaves me flattened and furious. Not this time. I learned something crucial at my retreat: Taking on more, carrying more burden does NOT make you stronger. It can weaken you and defeat you. There is so much strength in setting limits and respecting your abilities…it is true self perseverance and love. Strength comes from love.
So yea…I am building a bridge.
I am a ball of mixed emotions. We are pregnant again. We are not jumping up and down excited. Our first daughter is two and will be three in four months. We never went on the pill in between pregnancies. We were always dancing on the edge of if it happens – great, if it doesn’t – great. After a little over a year after our daughter was born I found out I had several polyps, cysts, and fibroids. We were given the impression having another child would be difficult. Almost another year went by and we were confirmed that tumors grew, hormones were wacky and now I have a fibroid in my uterus. We were recommended to surgery if we wanted to get pregnant.
We decided to be complete with our daughter. The three of us. I spent many months focusing on our future as a family of three. I began this uber committed mindset to do things for myself and provide an incredible life for my little girl. I started to get really excited to take better care of myself and have a little more focus on me.
While visiting family for the fourth of July, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I was in shock. We were no longer thinking about another baby. I had been telling myself about all the reasons why it was better to have one child. We chose not to try not to think about it until I could get confirmation from our doctor. They had given us every reason to believe that if we got pregnant, we would have a miscarriage. We went to the doctor six days ago. Our midwife cried with joy to see the heartbeat. She said there was very little chance we would have any problems. She seems to think this is meant to be and everything is fine.
I think we are in shock. Are we happy? I feel like we have been getting conflicting ideas, reports, opinions on my health and fertility for over a year. Now I think we are worried that this won’t be as well, easy as the first pregnancy. I think my husband is worried that I will miscarry. I am more worried that something will be wrong with the baby.
We haven’t told anyone but a very close friend. I guess the minute we tell family it becomes real and we will have to be just as open with anything that happens. I hope people in our family are excited. For some reason I am thinking that this is not going to be as joyous a surprise. Is that crazy? We will find out very soon.