like fireflies pulsating joy
their smiles grow more radiant when they see me
picnic blankets wrapped around shivering shoulders
handfuls of sweets and heads full of Shakespeare
Uncategorized
Money talks
I just walked away from another conversation about money, kids and savings. So let me take this opportunity to talk about a book I am reading and recommending. It seems like recently I am going about my day and all of a sudden I find myself talking or thinking about this book. I have been reading through it in pieces but I am now recommitting to giving a page to page read and review. In case you can get a copy before I finish…it is facilitating amazing conversations about money in my every day life. Get it. Read it. Let’s talk.
Shadow shift
My daughter finds comfort in her Shadow. She runs with it, jumps, with it, chases and follows it into happiness or the unknown. She speaks about her Shadow as if it is real and slightly separate from her. She is 4 years old.
J wasn’t always enamored with her Shadow. When she first began to walk and explore her world, she noticed her Shadow and it confused her. When she saw shadows in books, movies or her room, she was skeptical, cautious, and inquisitive. However, she was not connected to them, they were completely different entities.
Now, her Shadow is part of her and her friend. “My Shadow”. Its like Peter Pan I guess, or like a not-so-invisible friend. It is fun and sweet. Sometimes I will overhear her talking with Shadow. This uninhibited love and ability to connect to her universe is a beautiful skill I wish as adults we held onto longer. What age or situation is it when doing something like having fun with your Shadow is considered crazy? I hope for her sake it is no time soon.
After Kindergarten Screening
I am having my lunch and reflecting on Tuesday’s exciting and emotional event. Kindergarten Screening…I was calling it Orientation but I found out yesterday that I get to go to another visit/orientation in August. This was a chance for some of the teachers and psychologists at the school to meet & greet the families. They also separate the kids from the parents to check on some skills before placing them in classes.
This did not go as well as I hoped.
I am staying positive and open to learning more about my child and our journey together. She is magical. When she was born 4.5 years ago, I knew I was on a journey of empowerment, discovery and humble love. J has always pushed y understanding of self and a women’s role in this world. Because I want to provide a healthy happy life for her, it is causing me to examine the way we treat women, girls and children.
This is all material for some other blog posts, but what I can say now is that her time at Kindergarten Screening was emotional, enlightening and a little difficult. When we arrived we were instructed to wait in the vestibule with other families. We did not have to wait long and the staff at her new school are very kind. However, immediately after being escorted into a busy hallway, we were told we were being split apart from our kiddos. They would go one way, parents another. Juliana was trepidatious about this and didn’t want to go. Understandable so as it was her first time in the building with a lot of people she doesn’t know. I had to accompany her at the start. She was shy and nervous. They jumped right in to reading a story. A story she knows by heart but she clamped down and would not respond. She is reluctant to share herself with strangers…again I do NOT see this as a detriment. However, since my little girl came into this universe, other people have made us feel that this is not normal or not ok. (Again, I will write about this again another time) We worked through a couple of sad, teary and tough moments. I was able to pull myself away and go find the other parents.
Her school is lovely. I was sure to watch the interactions between the teachers and Principal. I wanted to see if I could sense any clues as to how things really are when families are not watching. We had a great visit from the PTA rep and we were encouraged to make little cards that will be given to our children on their first day of school. It was fun. I had this little voice or tug inside that kept me connected to her. I was sending out my energy throughout that building letting her know she is loved.
They conducted some “testing” with her. I did not get to see what they did or how she responded. Chances are, if the teacher did not take time to let her get warmed up or comfortable, she may have done nothing. It is a little sad to think J will look as if she can’t do certain skills that are actually easy for her. When I was still in that room with her she was refusing to write her name. Meanwhile, she can spell and write her first, middle, and last name.
Oh well, we have to let go, right? My husband and I are realising that she will come across to others a certain way in the beginning. But on her terms, in her time, she will let the world bask in her light. She will shine.
Before Kindergarten Screening
It’s a big day in our house. I am taking a half day at work on Tuesday for Kindergarten orientation. I am probably more nervous than my daughter. I am actually surprised at her excitement. I would have thought she would be terrified. She is a cautious and shy child. She can transition well from place to place, activity to activity. However, transitioning from person to person is where she struggles. She is not immediately trusting of people, which can work to our advantage in life. J is very bright and loves to learn. I am hoping that this next phase of our lives is met with enthusiasm and joy. She has such a thirst for knowledge. I know that the drone of routine can be beneficial but also stifling. I want my daughter to love school. Not just because it will make life easier for me, but because I think one of the greatest qualities a person could posses is a love of learning. I know that learning doesn’t only happen at school – but if she hates school, it may turn her off to learning in general.
Jigsaw Shakespeare
Before we were released for Spring Break, I felt it was important to check in with my students and our passage from Midsummer. Now, it is not in our curriculum, unit plans, and it is not necessarily linked to anything we have been working on. It is simply something I love that I am sharing with my students.
I spent some time writing out the lines of “I know a bank…” on colored strips of paper. I had them with me in class and a couple of my students were intrigued. I put all of the strips in front of this group of five students. I did not arrange the strips correctly but had them scattered, out of order. I gave them the challenge of putting it all together. I was immediately surprised and delighted by their fervor. They put together as much as possible and then questioned me, “we don’t know what comes next, we didn’t learn all of this.”
I had given them a couple of lines we hadn’t done yet. They were perplexed. I told them to figure it out. Look at what they were given and break down the ideas, the code. I told them to look for things they know. I was shocked that they started discussing meaning of words, rhyme scheme, and flow. It was incredible. They did it! They put it together without me ‘telling ‘ them. Then the most amazing thing happened, one of the students went to another group of four kids and challenged them to put it together. I was exhilarated and proud. They were not only engaged in shakespeare’s words, but they were utilizing higher order cognition and having fun. This five to ten minutes was some of the best educational experience they would get for the day. Thank you Shakespeare.
(If you haven’t followed previous entries, I am using Ken Ludwig’s “Teaching your Children Shakespeare” book in my practice at home and in the classroom.)
The haves and the have nots
I’m attempting to infuse “I know a bank” into my classroom lessons. It is difficult because currently we were required to do other things. I have been more diligent with weaving the Shakespearean lines into my second period class than my first. I didn’t think much of it. I’m realising that it has caused tension and slight disappointment. My students from the second period will request more shakespeare. Some of them met my daughter earlier in the week and referred to her as “the little girl that knows shakespeare”. They tried to chat and have a connection. While some of my students in my first period seem apprehensive about continuing because I have given more to my other stidents. I step back now and realise that this not only is what happens to young students and shakespeare but to young learners of anything.
If we disproportionately provide exposure to education, experience and passion for learning, we train one group to feel inadequate, indifferent or deficient.
(If you haven’t followed previous entries, I am using Ken Ludwig’s “Teaching your Children Shakespeare” book in my practice at home and in the classroom.)
Originally written 14 April – sorry late posting some entries.
And so it begins…
If you have read previous posts of mine, you know I am reading Ludwig’s book “how to teach your children shakespeare”. I am slowly working on midsummer with my four year old. It is so much fun. When we were in Home Depot on Saturday, we went into the garden center. Juliana wanted to find the flowers mentioned in the poetry that she knew. She asked what is ‘quite overcanopied’ thinking it was a plant. I told her it was like plants growing over your head like a tunnel or umbrella. She jumped in the trolley as we walked through aisle of fruit trees because they were ‘quite overcanopied’! It is incredible what we are doing.
Last week, one of my colleagues was telling my class about the bunny banner my girl made. She told them that J named the bunnies after some of my students. I told them I read the roster and she picked random ones she remembered. The class wanted to see pictures. I showed them. Then I had a video of J reciting I know a bank. I showed them that and told them what it was. They were impressed and competitive. They decided that if she could do it- they could do it. I told them I haven’t finished the book. They don’t care. Right there. Right then. We scratched a portion of lesson and I know a bank where the wild thyme blows went up.
They are hooked. One line and it’s theirs. Someone makes sure it is written on the board everyday. Tomorrow I need to give them line 2. They are craving it. Somehow I have made reciting Shakespeare addictive. I’m the best drug dealer that school has!!!!
Love in my cup
The other day I was attempting to have a cup of tea, while it was still hot, and attempt to relax.
I sat on the sofa admits the madness of my life. Deep breaths in and out. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile.
After my tea, I was in full tilt mama mode. In the middle of juggling too many things and thoughts, my daughter started jumping up and down. She ran to me with my cup. I had left it on her play kitchen.
“Look Mama there’s a heart. For you mama”. And there it was, in the bottom of my tea cup. Must mean something, right?
4 Lines!
Update on my journey teaching shakespeare to my kids. This is exciting. Truly exciting news in my little chaotic existence. As I stated I began reading Ken Ludwig’s book about teaching Shakespeare. Originally when purchased I was reading to teach my students. When I quickly assessed that he used it for his own kids, I thought, hey why not mine?
One day while I was a couple of chapters in, Juliana asked me what book I was reading. I showed it to her and explained what it was about. She was smiley and said, “I want to learn.” Now, I originally thought I would read the whole book first and then give it a go but abandoned that because she was willing, eager and in a good mood. For parents of toddlers – you know take those opportunities when they come! She is 4 years old and spunky as all hell.
I explained that she would repeat after me – she can’t really read yet so this is a bit of a challenge with the sentence strips. I pointed to the words as I said them so maybe we could get some sight recognition practice too.
We started with “I know a bank where the wild thyme blows.” We said it a few times with the book and then I put the book down. but she wanted more. We went back and gobbled up “Where oxlips and the nodding violet grows”. It became a cute little phrase we danced to, sang to, cooked to and cuddled to throughout the day. She thought it was fun.
Then life happens and things get in the way. Shakespeare took a back seat to doctor’s appointments, work, dinner, diapers, toys, little brothers and everything else. About a week later I was getting ready to text one of my dearest friends in this universe. I was missing her and just needed to say it. She lives in South Carolina and we are in New York. Sunny was getting ready to perform in a production of Midsummer. On a whim I looked up at my daughter and said “I know a bank.”
Can you believe my astonishment that my four year old looked at me and smiled without missing a beat and said with a bucket of pride and sass, “I know a bank where the wild thyme blows. Where oxlips and the nodding violet grows”. I almost cried with joy.
I quickly recorded it for Sunny and sent it to her. What a perfect way to say I love you and celebrate my daughter possibly embracing a shared love and passion of her mom and Auntie. It was magical. We played with the phrase and then left it alone. I was so excited that my daughter had two lines of Shakespeare tucked in her heart, maybe forever. She and I will be bound to Midsummer as long as we breathe. I was in an instant so grateful to Mr. Ludwig for reminding me that love and learning are seeds of happiness.
Thankfully, it doesn’t end there! A few nights ago, my husband and I were sitting on the sofa in the throng of bedtime prep for Juliana and her 1 year old brother, Colin. Their grandmother was on the computer having a quick video chat. Juliana came over to us and said, “Mommy, I want to learn more Shakespeare.”.
swoon.
My mother asked her what she meant. She retrieved Ludwig’s book and opened it. She pointed to what I thought a random phrase and started to recite I know a bank. When I looked down, she was pointing to the words I know a bank!!! WTF. We got off the computer and began “Quite over canopied.” We created some hand gestures and within 15 minutes we were four lines of Shakespeare stamped on hearts.
The following day my mother sent emails of pictures of woodbine, oxlips and the other flowers. Juliana decided we should plant them in our garden. I agreed.
We are now on our way to having our very own Shakespeare’s Garden. Love is growing.
Shakespeare and my kids 1
I have begun reading the first few chapters of “How to Teach your Children Shakespeare”. It’s easy to already see how to implement this into my life. I’m excited.
The other night, after I read the first two Chapters, I went into Juliana’s room to get ready for Bedtime. We cuddled, read stories and began to get drowsy.
She rolled over to look at me and said, “mummy what were you reading?”
“A book about one of my favorite writers and how I can help you to read and love his work. ”
“Who is it Mummy?”
“Shakespeare”
“Can we meet him? Go see him?”
“In a way, we can see his plays performed. Shakespeare is no longer alive. He died a long time ago. ”
“Mummy, is Shakespeare a dinosaur?”
I chuckled and hugged her. We are on our way because my daughter LOVES dinosaurs. “Yes in a way my dear he is. I love you. We will start reading his stuff together soon.”
This is going to be enlightening!
Two of my loves…
I am combining two of the things I truly love in this world- my kids and Shakespeare. I picked up this book as part of my “teachers choice”. That’s the stipend we are given to buy supplies and such for our classrooms. Every year teachers every where spend thousands of dollars of their OWN money to provide their students with the resources they so desperately need. NYC tosses some coins into our paycheck for such a purpose. It is usually 40-120$. Honestly it’s a drop in the ocean of money spent by teachers but I’ll take those drops gladly.
I am hoping to use this book to find new ways of infiltrating Shakespeare into my lesson plans. I usually teach at least one play per semester. I bought it hoping it would be more ways for me to build engaging lessons. I’m not going to lie- I teach great Shakespeare classes with my nyc high schoolers.
However, as soon as I began this book, I became not just inspired but determined to use it with my own kids. Juliana is 4. Maybe that seems young but we will try. Her brother is 10months- he will get it through our practice. I am so excited. I will post updates as to how it goes. Stay tuned!!!
Please feel free to comment or suggest.
My rainbow
It has been an exhausting day. I am running on very little sleep and suffering from back pain. My infant won’t nap and both kids want my constant undivided attention. They are so beautiful and wonderful yes. However in my sleep deprived over worked exhaustion, I am finding it difficult to stay positive.
Several times today I had to close my eyes and meditate. My daughter would then say “Mama are you ‘breathing'”? We have clearly been in this place before. This place of Mama about to lose her mind, go off the rails but attempts to model meditation. It is not always successful. In fact I feel like lately I have been more irritable, short tempered and fatigued than ever well except for when I was in first trimester with Colin. That was tough.
Juliana is trying so hard to Be a good listener and helper today. Yet in this quest she has also not stopped talking. Not for one second. I’m in sensory overload.
I was determined to get Colin down for his morning nap and we were already at noon and I had no success. I was rocking him, singing, everything. Finally, Juliana stopped talking. She came over to me at the buggy as I was wheeling him back and forth hoping it would work. She put her hand on me and said ” mommy, I believe in you…and Santa.”
I lifted my head to the heavens, closed my eyes and cried. She wrapped herself around my leg and squeezed. This little person has the ability to send me to places of rage, frustration, and fear. She also has this prophetic ability to say things that rock my shell of doubt and negative thoughts, make me vulnerable and joyous for her wisdom. Love.
I’m in the car. She and her brother are sleeping. We got that morning nap in for him. Then later went out to the store. Colin didn’t fall asleep until moments before getting home. When I got into the driveway, Juliana said “Colin is asleep. Mama please drive some more so I Can nap too.”
Wow! Didn’t think I could get that lucky and then I started driving. Less than 2 min away the heavens opened and it poured. I would have been attempting to get a toddler, bags and an infant down 80+ steps in torrential rains. We drove slow and she drifted off. I did a big loop of country roads for only 15 min when the rain stopped and the sun burst through. I saw this rainbow and took a picture for Juliana. I want her to see the magic when she wakes. I sit now and soak in the magic of my sleeping children. They teach me when I let them.
So much noise…
I’m in sensory overload. We are on the road. Driving back to NY day 2. We just went to Panera for a late lunch. I feel like I’m going to be sick. I don’t know if it’s because of my food or the fact that everyone is yelling or needing something from me. Juliana is testing the strength of our windows. I’m sure her voice can’t shatter them but she is willing to give it a whirl.
Colin is doing his sleepy song which is a combo him and whine. Matt has decided to turn the radio up and marley’s exodus is pounding my head into pudding. Juliana is currently talking about her poop. Yes it’s disgusting. She is inspired because at the last gas station she went and her poop was green. Bright green. What the hell did she eat? I don’t have a clue and I was so confused and grossed out by it. She now wants to discuss what would her poop look like in a multitude of colours. We are in crawling traffic. Bliss I say. Bliss.
Family Travels-snacks
We have just pulled out of the driveway of my parents house. We are on our way home driving from Florida to New York. It has been a wonderful holiday.
We are less than ten minutes into the drive and Juliana is wanting snacks and wiping her blanket around like a lasso.
Juliana is a skinny little thing but eats constantly. We got into the car and she wasn’t even strapped in and she is asking for snacks. We have to set timers so she waits in between snacks. It’s exhausting. We have a back seat that is filled with 2 children and snacks. It’s mind blowing.
I want to encourage healthy eating but don’t want to get obsessive over food because well I have food/ body issues. I am doing the best I can to celebrate my body so she doesn’t grow up in a house of self loathing modeled behavior. Not easy. Especially because she needs/wants to eat constantly.
She went the first four hours of our road trip asking to eat a new thing before she digested what she already was eating. It gets annoying and concerning. Road trips mean junk food. I try to keep it healthy but a lot of junk finds it’s way into car. Gummi bears, starburst, chips but we also eat granola, fruit, trail mix and carrots.
Juliana is a bottomless pit sometimes. She was double fisting puffs and Cheetos. It was comical and crazy. She can eat a pint of blueberries and about 10 strawberries then chase it with a granola bar.
Christmas holiday reading list
Ok- I’m off work for just a short stretch so I want to get in as much reading as I can. I am going to read a book for work that will be dry but helpful. I’m also going to tick TWO books off my “currently reading” list: #ALLAMERICANBOYS and also #AWAlKINTHEWOODS. Update on both soon.
AAB so far is a wonderfully crafted glimpse into our current struggles with police brutality and black lives matter. It is better than I though it would be that is for sure.
Lead with love
We are in a challenging time, challenging phase with my four yr old. She turned four a month ago and I was hoping that with her birthday a magic lever would be mystically pulled by the universal force of love and gratitude. A lever that would transform the boundary testing three year old into a breezy charismatic four year old. This did not happen. It does not exist. I am everyday a new shade of exhausted.
Ñbn bñnaggyjb Within this past week, I have reached new levels of frustration and anger and yes, I lost my composure on more than one occasion. I went to crazy town with no hope of return. I think I screamed more this weekend than I did in her first three years of life. I am not proud. It isn’t funny. Does it make me a “bad parent”? I don’t think so. I can be honest with myself and give myself the kindness I would extend a friend.
Raising children is not easy. I never thought it would be. However, no matter how much experience with kids I have had, nothing prepared me for how complex my relationship could be with my daughter.
new leaf
We have been through some challenges and changes in my family and I am using this moment to make some serious alterations to myself in hopes to be stronger and more capable of meeting those challenges and adapting to those changes.
I have recently decided to make some serious changes in my life. I have committed to getting healthy and losing weight and generally giving happiness the front seat of my journey.
I am 1.5 weeks into the 21 Day Fix by BeachBody. I am on a strict diet and exercise plan. I am also using Shakeology along side this plan to help me get to my goal fitness weight and feel. In the past I have tried diet plans but nothing clicked or worked. I needed more structure more discipline to make a difference. In the first week I lost 2.2 lbs. That is amazing results for me.
When I cut dairy out of my diet a few months ago I lost about a pound a week just removing dairy. Now I am really changing the shape of my body. This plan is difficult and I will be proud if I keep it going for the 21 days. I also think it is one of those things that I will have to do a couple of times to get to where I want to be.
This is an important move in my life. I amnot happy as I want to be. Yes, a lot of that stems from my unhappiness with myself and more specifically with my body. I am embracing that ideals that I cannot change others. I cannot make them love me, make them respect me or help me. I know that I can love, respect and help myself. That is what matters most. I want to show my daughter and son that a woman can be amazing no matter what. I want to be stronger than excuses.
I am off of work today and have worked out and considering exercising some more just for fun.
Not the petting zoo
Today I had an unusual experience. We were at the zoo. It was extremely busy- Wednesdays are free. I forgot this. Usually I don’t go on Wednesdays because it’s packed. We budget each year for membership.
Yet there we were on a hot summer Wednesday. I decided to let my daughter play on rocks and spend as much time being happy regardless if we saw anything. There were crowds and lines so I just stayed calm and breezy.
After we spent an hour or two in the children’s zoo, we wandered out and over to the carousel. The line was somewhat long but my daughter insisted. The baby was getting fussy but to save my sanity I said yes. We patiently waited and slowly moved with the line. I am so proud of my girl, she was calm when normally queuing up gets her so antsy. I was holding my baby and watching my daughter when I noticed a kid put his hands on my stroller. Not menacingly just as if it was his. Then a young girl he was with starting touching it. I politely said please don’t touch my stroller. The brakes were not on and these kids we’re knocking it into the woman in front of me. Then I noticed they were not with the family directly behind me in line nor the next family. No, these kids were 3 families back. Another child was weaselling his way up as well. The two famines behind me looked annoyed.
Then it happened.
One of the girls reached out and pet my daughters hair. She had her back turned but quickly spun around and looked confused. I asked the kids to stop and move away from buggy. As I went to push buggy forward two of those kids started to stroke my daughters hair, pet her head like an animal and touch her arms.
I had to say sternly stop touching her. My daughter looked distraught and violated. I told them to leave her alone and I told them to go pet the goats not my child. I turned around. The families behind me looked appalled at these kids but. Said nothing. The adult ladies with these kids didn’t care at all.
That’s when I had the thought: my daughter is fair skin with white/blonde hair. These kids had dark skin and dark hair. If the roles had been reversed, white kids petting a black girl would someone have been quick to call is racist?
Half Push Ups
In our house it is serious Girl Power time. We had a great time watching the Women’s World Cup and trying to empower our little one to know women’s sports are equally as awesome to watch as the Men’s teams.
Helping my three year old to have confidence and celebrate herself has opened my eyes to small injustices and sexist circumstances in our everyday life. I am examining how I speak and see myself…I want to give her a world where I practice what I preach. I have realized it ins’t enough to tell her she can be anything or that Women are as important as men or that there is beauty in all of us – if I don’t celebrate this daily.
Not too long ago, my husband, daughter and I were having fun exercising, doing yoga moves, stretches and being silly. At one point my husband told my daughter they were going to do push-ups. She struggled so he said wait, you do the girl ones and began to demonstrate. I said “hold on a minute, why do you call them ‘girl push-ups’? That doesn’t sound right. Are they ‘girl push-ups’ because they are not complete or as challenging?” He looked at me puzzled and said, “Honestly, I don’t know. They have just always been called that.” I knew he was right because that’s what I always heard them called…but it didn’t feel right any more. I announced as parents of a daughter we need to find a new name or a real term for those push-ups because she needs to feel validated, supported and empowered from home in order to take on the world.
So what did I do? I looked it up. They are called “half Push-ups”. They are promoted towards women because most women have less upper body strength than men biologically speaking. I get it. Yet, is it really so hard to call it half push up? Because calling it girl push-up also makes men & boys feel alienated from something that could promote good health AND be better for their backs.
I am on the path – I am really trying to find ways I can make my daily speech and thought more tolerant and empowering. She is going to have a tough enough time dealing with all the stress and discrimination out there – she doesn’t need it reinforced at home.
Delicate Balance
On several Channel Markers in the Indian River, Florida, families of Osprey make their nests. It is a beautiful site and if you are fortunate enough to be able to ride aboard a boat, you may get a very close look at the parents and babies in these nests. Be warned that the parents will rise, squawk and push their shoulders forward as if they are about to take flight – aiming for your face. Please go slow or idle for a few moments and then move along. These birds are majestic, fierce, delicate and sweet all in one moment. Their nests are very large intricate installations of art in some very precarious places. Two of the nests we photographed were built atop channel markers that triangular. It seems impossible that these enormous woven nests can dangle atop the peak of a sign…and yet they do with such stability and strength that I was left in awe.
Isn’t that what we strive for in our lives. We have somewhat messy lives, homes and hearts that are held together by available scraps and hope. I looked at these Ospreys and thought of myself. I was reassured. I feel like my life is a bit tattered, thrown together and teetering in the wind. I saw them working as a team to protect, build and feed and fly. I have a new vision of my sometimes chaotic and unraveling life. I am that Mother Osprey. I am proud of my nest with its moss and twigs fluttering in the breeze. I protect and cherish my children and work with my husband to keep the balance, keep the strength, keep the majestic power of our lives.
Osprey Nest
New Age Problems
On a long road trip our family is put through exhaustion and boredom. We share stories, laughter and tears. We have snacks, diaper changes and scenery changes.
On another ride from FLorida to New York we decided to stop in North Carolina for a night of rest. My three year old was screaming at me every time Kung Fu Panda disappeared. It was on ABC Family which means…commercials. She flipped out.
I tried to explain. I gave up and stared at her in amazement. My daughter cannot understand the concept of commercials while I still get amazed by pausing or rewinding ‘live’ television. We are in such completely different technology worlds.
She HATES commercials. I guess that is a good thing as it will hopefully limit the impulsive shopping requests.
Madness at the Library!
This is a ridiculous story. Seriously, I can hardly believe this happened to me.
Yesterday it was quite cold out and our three year old was wanting to play. We had had a tough morning of battling the three-nager power struggles. I decided to take her to our local Library. This is something we have been wanting to do and haven’t since the birth of my son five weeks ago. My daughter loves book – she really LOVES books. She loves going to the library and bookstores. We haven’t been to our local because it was under renovations for a long time. This was an exciting adventure.
When we arrived, the library was not busy. There was only three people using the main library and another mother with her daughter in the children’s library. My little one and I went to a table and immediately set up shop. We got lots of books and started to read. She invited “grumpy” over to join in – a large stuffed version of the character from Snow White. eventually J went over to the table with wooden toys to play with the other little girl. Making friends at three years old can be exciting and terrifying – hell it can be like that at any age. Soon the girls were laughing, playing, and then began a round of “chase” using the wooden dinosaur and giraffe supplied by the library.
I began a chat with the other Mom and I too was excited at the prospect of another friend. Her daughter is the same age. We both have babies as well, mine 5.5 weeks, hers 6 months. We asked the girls to practice their quiet voices a couple of times when they squealed in delight. We encouraged them to take some books and read together. They did this. They took some books over to a corner and sat and pretended to read. It was so cute.
However, there was a staff member at the library who began a tyraid that I will never forget. This woman came out of an office and stormed over to myself and the other mom. SHe scolded us saying the girls were too loud and the screaming would have to stop. Now by this time another little boy and an adult had arrived. The little boy was chasing the girls as well and yes there was some screeching. All in fun. They were pretending to be the dinosaurs and animals in their books. We asked our girls to be quiet. (mind you nothing was said to the young boy or his father/grandfather)
The staff member came out later when the girls were quietly reading and approached my self and my new mom friend M. This staff member thrust a puzzle piece at me and said nothing. I was confused. She shook it at me, I took it from her and she gruffly told me it was for the table. M reassured the woman that were planning on doing a clean up with the girls when we were ready to leave. Staff member acknowledges this by thrusting another piece of puzzle at me. Then she says “Oh and they left books on the floor.”
I am confused. Aren’t we supposed to be excited that children love books and not just TV? If you are employed by a library system you know how desperate we are to get children engaged in our public library systems. Also, if children are reading a book don’t freak that it is out of place. I turned to my new friend and said, “this is why people go to Barnes and Noble. You can read anything, stay as long as you like, play with the toys, move books around and you’re not even forced to buy. Why go to a library?”
We had a chat about how our town offers very few programs for kids. We both agreed that neighboring towns offer so much more in camps, activities and programs. It is sad tat our library was closed for a long time to renovate and you can’t see any difference.
Soon the staff member came out again and approached us. She yelled. Yes, she actually began to raiser her voice. She said that our children forced everyone to leave the library. No one wanted to be there because of them. SHe was full on leaning in, pointing and yelling. Out of the fecking blue. M politely told the woman that there was no need to yell. This apparently upset the staff person more. She stomped around slamming books. She went after my child. J was in their little corner where they had been reading. she was waiting for her friend and the staff person start to approach her. She was menacing and told my daughter to go that mommy needs her.” I harshly told the woman to stop and went to collect my girl. I was only 10 feet away. I explained that the lady was upset and we should leave before Mommy gets upset too. While I did this the staff person went verbally after M. She yelled at her that she couldn’t do her job and put books away because we were blocking her path where we were standing(apparently excuse me is not in her vernacular). She screamed at M that she couldn’t get her work done in her office because our children were so loud. I said these girls are only three and she should check herself as it was getting very scary and hostile. She yelled that we should complain to her supervisor. M asked her her name and the woman screams “Majorie” then slams her office door.
We collected the girls and tried to nonchalantly exit. I was flustered because I had told my daughter that we would take books and a movie out. I also needed a new card. I was so riled up and afraid I would escalate things further. M said she had to return some things while I left. Thankfully I had thought to give her my name and info so we could meet again. I was so upset. As we were leaving my daught said” that woman has a bad attitude.” Yes, J, yes she does.
We arrived home and I tried to tell my husband what happened. I was repeatedly interrupted by my daughter who told Daddy that a woman yelled at mommy and was scary and mean. J was upset that she can’t go back to the Library but I reassured her that we will go back. I immediately go on the phone with my Town Supervisor. I felt horrible that I left my new friend there. I just new my limits and I knew I would get “ugly” if I stayed.
Later that evening I received an email from M. Her accounts of what happened after I left the library are here:
It was nice to meet you and J today at the library.
That librarian, Marjorie, was truly off her rocker! After you left, I went in to return books and she came in yelling about us to the other librarians. I asked her if she was so concerned about the noise, why was she being ten times louder than the three year olds. She went into the back office and said she was filing an incident report about us. The other librarian asked me if I wanted to fill one out too so I did. While I was standing at the desk filling out the form, she kept shouting and screaming in the back office, slamming things down, and actually started hysterically crying! I heard her say “I’m going to beat the shit out of her!” about me all while I was just standing there filling out the report. I asked the other two librarians if they heard that and they both acted like they hadn’t because I could tell they are afraid of her. Neither of them would make eye contact with her and one of them suggested that she go home so she could calm down and she said that was exactly what she planned to do because she couldn’t take this anymore and that the “library wouldn’t exist without her” and that she “barely gets paid anything”. She then stormed out of the library crying. The other two librarians both suggested that we report the incident to the Director, K M. I filled out the report which will be given to her and here is her email address in case you are interested in reporting Marjorie as well. I wrote on the report that I was shocked that the library employs someone who is so clearly mentally unstable, especially to be working around children.
Ridiculous right?! I have emailed the appropriate person. I have left a message with my Town Supervisor. I am going back to the Library. And be ready folks, I will record any and all encounters with this Majorie if needed. This happened…At the LIBRARY.
EJECT
Recently my good friend has been struggling with his communication, his interactions, his relationship with a woman he was dating. This whole process from the moment I found out he was dating this woman has been strained and stifling for him and well for his friends who watched this emotional destruction. I have been supportive and nonjudgemental as long as possible. However, the past few weeks have had me speaking firmly to him. I have condensed my ideas and advice into one word: EJECT. It has become a mantra as he vents. we say “eject, eject, eject. ” I think this helps us both feel at ease as we help him have permission to walk away.
This has been a very insightful and rewarding experience for me – helping him to close the door on an unhealthy relationship. I recently did the same in my own life and it was excruciating. I stayed in an unhealthy relationship for years. I became a different person when I was with this friend. I became someone I did not like. During the thankfully last tumultuous spat with this person, I found myself exhausted, fearful and almost emotionally paralyzed. Another close friend tried to stay impartial but very graciously said, “it doesn’t have to be this awful. You are not this person with anyone else. Its time to stop. Its OK. You are not a bad person if you recognize you cannot change the toxins but it is bad if you keep ingesting them. It’s OK – hit the eject button.
I did. Without a lengthy goodbye or discussion. I just did it. Eject. I walked away and closed a door – whatever metaphor you want to put on it. I was sad and torn. I didn’t get a chance to tell this friend my side of anything or hash out my feelings and frustrations. I didn’t respond to accusations, blame or delusions. I didn’t try to compromise, console, or attack. I just hit eject. It sounds like exactly the wrong way to do it but it wasn’t. Sometimes it is better to just stop. Another great person in my life said, “The thing about banging your head against the wall is how good it feels when you finally stop.”
So recently I found myself stronger and more insightful and humble. I was able to tell someone else that although it can be draining, embarrassing and horrible to be entwined in a toxic relationship, just know that it is ok to simply hit the eject button. Eject, eject, eject. I care very much for my friend and it is difficult to watch him caught in a whirlpool of toxic faux love. I know I can’t tell him whom he should fall for or date. I support him in his decisions but I also can’t stand by and watch someone else diminish the person I care for and admire.
He has hit the button.
He now is more direct in his statements. Owning his actions, his feelings and contributions to all of his relationships. It is amazing how wishy-washy and self deprecating he had become. (It is very reminiscent to what I was doing all the time not so long ago.) I am very reflective of how far I have come this year in my own self worth and appreciation because I am able to help someone I am friends with let go of a demon. Eject. Eject. Eject.
I know I will come back to these realizations for me and in helping him. It is now empowering because I am coming out of the haze of defeat and guilt. I am emerging into a new phase of loving myself and honoring the good that I put out in the world. I hope I help my friend get there too.
Love each moment
My little one is sick. She has a cough, sniffles and is generally miserable. We are cuddled up on the sofa watching some movies. I am holding her and doing my best to be patient that she is reluctant to eat and refuses medicine. It has been a trying weekend with her attitude and now I feel sad because she may have been beginning to feel under the weather.
However, when I think about the tantrums or the refusing medicine, I thank God she is here , no matter how difficult she may be at times. On my drive home from work, I listened to the news and reports and reflection about the recent terror attacks on school children in Pakistan. It is devastating. Just days after the two year anniversary of the school children killed in Newtown CT. My heart aches for the families and the state of the world.
Violence, terror and crime fills our daily news and lives. I look at my little girl and I am filled a desperate hope that she will be safe, healthy and happy for a long lifetime. I cannot imagine how families cope with such loss. My life is full of joy and purpose because of my daughter. She is my reason for living as a better person, every day.
I pray for peace. I pray for those families in Pakistan that they find a way to cope and find inner strength. I pray that terrorists and criminals no longer harm innocent people. I pray that my daughter can be safe and maybe even sheltered from this devastation. Every parent should have years and years of “I love you Mama”.
The Lion's Wings 