Welcoming the new year with excitement.
Confident as I went to the gym and pulled a mat to meditate among the workout machines and blaring music. I thought if I am going to live this life- live it out loud everywhere.
Morning sun breaths transformed into an energy ball of sunshine bursting out from within me. I got this. Exploding greatness and positive love out of every fiber. I am worth any effort placed in the design of my happiness.
It is New Year’s Eve. I have welcomed the sunrise with a smile and a little joke that it is late to the party. I have been awake for hours maybe even a day.
I am not flustered or bubbling for the coming of a new year. I am calm and confident this is the beginning of another beautiful blossom. I am calculated and determined. I am without fear or doubt of the magnitude of transformation that awaits in 2020. I am steady in this because I lived each moment of 2019 as an architectural plan in the foundation of Divine Design.
This morning I greet the sun who is the one just joining the session because I am here, now, present, ready. I am not racing to catch up with the day making resolutions or pacts with flimsy resolve. I arrived before the sun ready to shine. Ready to step into the light.
This morning in meditation my throat hurt and my head was sore. I was feeling a little under the weather. I kept breathing to release and begin my yoga movement. The more I drifted away from the pain and annoyance of a possible cold coming on, the more I was absorbed in the sound of the birds. I don’t know if they became louder or I became more focused on them but it seemed as though they were in my head. Singing and taking me on a journey. Leading me and coaxing me to sing and let me head fall back to rejoice in the song.
I love this book.
Unexpectedly, I received this book as a gift. A new friend was telling me about it. She was floating and swirling with emotion and passion as she spoke of this book I was so intrigued. I put it on my mental list of “get this book and read it”. What is truly amazing that although RF and I are new friends, she knew me well enough to realize my TBR pile is LONG. We are kindred spirits in that sometimes you read a book and you NEED to talk about it. You NEED to share it and know that it is wrapping up your loved ones in its wisdom and imagination. We saw each other on a retreat in April when she was gushing over this book. In May she presented me with the book and I was overjoyed.
I wasn’t sure what to expect and found myself pulled into this book with self examining interest. Although it isn’t a book about self healing and change, it is exactly was it became. I appreciate the opportunity to look deeply into my own practice of reciprocity and my relationship with our natural world. I discovered a liberation in sorts and began to embrace gratitude on a whole new level. “Braiding Sweetgrass” has begun to assist me in understanding my role in global harmony and change.
The Post Christmas Pre New year window has always been a stressful time for me. I noticed an increase in relief when I let go of making plans for New Year Eve’s festivities. The year I decided that I didn’t need to be somewhere special or with someone special in order to conjure up good things to come was the year that I began to find some peace with this emotionally charged time of the year.
This year I was hoping to relax and disconnect from everything that is swirling in my mind a million miles an hour. That however is not in the Universe’s plan. I was silly to think that disconnection would ever be in the Universe’s Plan for me. Christmas Day brought me what felt like endless waves of emotional discomfort, being rushed, ignored, and angry. I tried to articulate my feelings, send up the flares that I was in need of some help to process. Looking back I realize my mistake was in looking to someone else to help me through instead of spending the time to look within and find my answers and strength.
Christmas night I walked alone. I walked and walked. I sat and watched the water and the moon. I listened. I sat still and listened to my heart. I am taking time now to seek comfort within myself. I am taking time to allow myself to work through what is unfolding. This process may seem trivial to others. I am on a journey. I know this. I have spent a lot of time recently trying to build a communities, teams of emotional support and guidance. I have poured myself into relationships and I am feeling alone and exhausted from the efforts. I am looking around and realizing that I am going to redirect my energy into my own body and mind and build that community.
I am engaging in my morning ritual of meditation, yoga, and prayer. I was wavering on this practice, but now I feel peaceful and committed to my practice. Two days ago I went outside and practiced in the rain. As it misted over my skin and I stood in warrior, I felt a voice call out “Power and Motivation.” It became a mantra through every asana and breath. Power and Motivation will thrust me into the day and guide me. The next morning I sat and sank into Dirgha breath as the wind blew the large leaves around me. It whispered “Open and be Willing.” I unfolded and allowed my self to float in love with what was and what is to come. This morning I sat. I breathed. I moved when an impulse took me. I allowed my body to go wherever it was driven. I felt nothing. I breathed and allowed my impulse to move me. I did this not planning out my sequence or even opening my eyes. I dropped into someplace of purity between breaths, a place of prayer. And then it came, the voice inside asked me to purge. To let go. I felt another whisper reminding me not control what that means but allow. I took a deep breath and agreed to let go today. Then my body said step forward, step out of that puddle and into New.
I am listening. I am creating. I am breathing. I am letting go.
Stepping out of the puddle into New.
I don’t really want to take up residence in the office at work. Although I am always happy to take on projects, help out, exceed expectations. I don’t like having a desk at which I might sit for hours at end. This week it was clear that I am needed in the office and hiding is not an option.
So I am taking my yoga training off the mat and realizing that I am going to clean the space thoroughly. I am getting furniture down to minimum and making it an environment that is more conducive to thought, productivity and mindfulness. I had the custodians throw away broken or old furniture. I am reorganizing files and looking forward to mopping and disinfecting.
Did I just say looking forward to mopping and disinfecting?!
I am sitting outside on my deck getting some much deserved reading and relaxing done. The glorious babble of our river lulls me into quiet gratitude and joy. As I am looking up from my pages, I notice a few dried leaves cascading to the grass from the canopy above.
It is happening. Already. I feel the pang of wanting summer to last forever. I feel the need to capture my time in a jar with fireflies and laughter. I hear a soft cry hanging on to the wind and realize it came from me.
Things change. Life moves.
In that moment I remind myself of the apple picking to come and the amazing crisp bite to the air. I think of the cozy blankets cuddles and the warm cider kissing my lips. I allow myself to feel excited for the squeals of delight at our first snow. I welcome the thoughts of sledding, baking, and wrapping presents. This delight gives way to seeds and garden plans. Then onto another splash in the river and harvest in the sun.
Change can be so thrilling when I see it through a lens of joy. Knowing that it can be challenging and sometimes difficult. Yet I greet it with compassion and kindness for all the wonder it continues to bring.
I am not even sure exactly how I feel about this yet…I am putting this down in a post so I make sure to come back to this and remember this moment. I work in a Title I inner city school and wore this shirt to work. I have worn it before. However, today, a colleague told me to go home and change my shirt. They said it “should say all lives matter in schools.” I was surprised given the location and situation that we are in everyday, that someone I work with would even question or pause on this movement. At first I thought they were trying to joke with me. I let the comment hang out there and let them see that I believe in this movement. This is not a message of Black Lives Matter more than anyone else…but they matter just as much as everyone else and you CANNOT work where I work and possibly think that things are equal. I know I have much more to say on this but need to get back to work. Wow. (not to mention the ONLY person who can tell me to go home and change my shirt is…ME.)
A couple of days ago, we had a wonderful day spent at the Town Pool near my mother’s house. We are visiting for a a couple of weeks and sometimes we trek over to the town pool rather than spend the whole day at home in my mom’s pool. The town pool has diving boards, a sprinkler park, and water slides. It is a really nice facility and the population who uses it is diverse. It has a very laid back atmosphere while still upholding top notch safety regulations.
While we were there, a little girl was wading in the water near us. My mother and I were in the kiddie section with my little guy watching my daughter go down the water slides. This little girl was bobbing around and hanging on the ropes looking a little lost or bored. Eventually she spoke to my mother and told her that she didn’t really know how to swim. My mom had a lovely chat and while I was helping my 2 year old float and kick, my mom convinced this girl to paddle around and gain a wee bit of confidence. It was enough to ignite some life into her smile and also glue her to our family for the day. Shortly after this, it seemed every where we turned, there she was. My daughter played with her and swam, but this little girl really didn’t know how to do much but float and dunk her head under water. They had a hard time choosing what to do because my daughter, although a year younger than this girl, is a strong swimmer. The girl’s mother came over at one point wading through the water only to inform the girl that she was going to go over to the deep pools with a friend and she should just have my mom and I look after her. I was stunned. The woman made no attempt to even introduce herself to us or even speak to us, but hooked her daughter to us.
We did look after her. We included her into our conversations and played in the water. However, when it was time to get out to have lunch, I felt torn. I wanted to invite the girl to our table and blankets to eat. But something about it felt strange. I do this a lot. I take on other people’s stuff, or even other people without thought or question. However, I have committed myself to taking on MYSELF more than others and this felt in violation of that concept. I am grateful for my ability to pause and get lost in thought. It allowed the Universe to step in to guide me. The little girl waved and made her way through the sea of swimmers to find her family. I saw her across the pool deck seated slight away from the swarm of family surrounding bags of snacks and accessories. She waved again. I waved back. Moving forward and touched by an invisible strand of human connection. I am reminded that not everything NEEDS to be defined, solved, or analyzed.
April 29 – I was convinced last night that I would be up before the sun and ready to approach the day. I had been waking so early recently that I figured it would be like all the others. However, I slept right up to my alarm and even then was not enthusiastic to peel myself off the sheets. I stumbled my way to work and parked my car. Sitting there I was reminded that in order to embrace this life and steer myself in a direction toward my goals and dreams, I would need to break habits of self doubt and negative energy.
I got out of my car and before I grabbed my bags or did anything else, I breathed. Several enormous gulps of fresh Spring air entered my body. I was then inspired to give the day some Sun Breaths right there in the parking lot. I said Yes to the day and brought myself into the light.
I remembered a recent commitment I made that involves a daily gesture of self care, self love, and a moment to deepen my practice. I put all my bags and work aside. Went to a locker and unrolled a yoga mat. In the new sun of this new day I greeted it with some gentle yoga. I spent some time examining my balance and where I am placing weight through my feet on the mat. It was liberating to reclaim work space as a place of love, healing, and spiritual practice.