There is magic in all trees.
I am sitting, working, listening, dreaming, deciding, hoping, confirming, selecting, wondering, and playing. All of this while losing myself in the dance of the branches around me in the wind. I am transported with every gust and shimmy.
I recently had an opportunity to go on retreat with myself. I escaped for a few days from my daily grind in order to let go of some internal baggage and hopefully fall a little bit in love with myself. I quickly honed in and realised that I am no longer interested in ripping open old wounds, reliving bad moments of my past or bringing up a lot of garbage that has weighed me down, only to wallow in it. I am okay doing all of that as long as I see it, identify, learn, and move on. I want to Build a Bridge and get over it.
This is crucial. This is liberating. I am open to an exorcism if I know I have some cleansing and cleaning power at the ready.
I am fortunate. I have a great therapist. I have a wonderful husband and children. Everyone is on my team, encouraging me to keep the celebration of myself going…it took a lot to get to this place , but I am proud I am here.
Since my personal retreat, I have experienced a couple of potential stress hurricanes. I was somewhat surprised with my ability to quickly access a place of calm openness and a powerful commitment to my own limitations. There is strength in saying I am at my capacity. It helps you move forward without picking up more than you can handle. I was able to listen to a troubled friend without getting consumed by the drama or hurt. I have had a habit in the past to take it on in order to help their pain…meanwhile clogging my own ability to move on. No more. I also was at work and a colleague wanted to take my time without respect or efficiency. I said no. I was firm. I stated that I am limited for time and I cannot extend myself anymore especially if there is no plan, agenda or clear objective to how my time will be used. That is a HUGE accomplishment for me. I can suffer from wanting to please or feeling that its better if I give to all…and again it leaves me flattened and furious. Not this time. I learned something crucial at my retreat: Taking on more, carrying more burden does NOT make you stronger. It can weaken you and defeat you. There is so much strength in setting limits and respecting your abilities…it is true self perseverance and love. Strength comes from love.
So yea…I am building a bridge.
hi.
Yesterday I wrote. I wrote a sentence in the morning that went like this:
Today I was greeted by cold blasts that felt good, really good.
And then I had to go. But I returned to my sentence a couple of hours later and wrote for 40 minutes straight. I felt proud and “back” in my groove. I hit publish. A few moments later while rereading, I wanted to adjust some syntax..I hit edit and BLAM…everything disappeared but that first sentence fragment…not even the whole sentence. I panicked. I tried to get it back.
Finally I resolved my self to the winds of change and let it go. I deleted my “Winds of Change” post. I closed the laptop and shrugged. It had been six months since my last post.
Then, this morning, I got an email from a friend. She is reading my blogs…could even be reading right now. I thought of her and her unwavering support. I opened my laptop and here we are…it is that simple in life. Choices surround us every second. I may not like what is being blown at me but I can change my reaction.
Yes. It feels good, really good.
My Anger stretches my skin
so tight it burst forth like
a rubber band shot across a classroom.
I sit in a curdled heap as I watch my Anger
fill the air with heat; it cooks my skin
bubbly and crisp.
I watch her sleep
envisioning the stretches
the changes
that will happen
over time.
How will she look
in ten years time?
If I am too busy
it will feel like it all happened
in a blink.
For now, I soak up
that angel skin
and soothing snore.
Take a deep breath
and pray for more.
like fireflies pulsating joy
their smiles grow more radiant when they see me
picnic blankets wrapped around shivering shoulders
handfuls of sweets and heads full of Shakespeare
I just walked away from another conversation about money, kids and savings. So let me take this opportunity to talk about a book I am reading and recommending. It seems like recently I am going about my day and all of a sudden I find myself talking or thinking about this book. I have been reading through it in pieces but I am now recommitting to giving a page to page read and review. In case you can get a copy before I finish…it is facilitating amazing conversations about money in my every day life. Get it. Read it. Let’s talk.
My daughter finds comfort in her Shadow. She runs with it, jumps, with it, chases and follows it into happiness or the unknown. She speaks about her Shadow as if it is real and slightly separate from her. She is 4 years old.
J wasn’t always enamored with her Shadow. When she first began to walk and explore her world, she noticed her Shadow and it confused her. When she saw shadows in books, movies or her room, she was skeptical, cautious, and inquisitive. However, she was not connected to them, they were completely different entities.
Now, her Shadow is part of her and her friend. “My Shadow”. Its like Peter Pan I guess, or like a not-so-invisible friend. It is fun and sweet. Sometimes I will overhear her talking with Shadow. This uninhibited love and ability to connect to her universe is a beautiful skill I wish as adults we held onto longer. What age or situation is it when doing something like having fun with your Shadow is considered crazy? I hope for her sake it is no time soon.
I am having my lunch and reflecting on Tuesday’s exciting and emotional event. Kindergarten Screening…I was calling it Orientation but I found out yesterday that I get to go to another visit/orientation in August. This was a chance for some of the teachers and psychologists at the school to meet & greet the families. They also separate the kids from the parents to check on some skills before placing them in classes.
This did not go as well as I hoped.
I am staying positive and open to learning more about my child and our journey together. She is magical. When she was born 4.5 years ago, I knew I was on a journey of empowerment, discovery and humble love. J has always pushed y understanding of self and a women’s role in this world. Because I want to provide a healthy happy life for her, it is causing me to examine the way we treat women, girls and children.
This is all material for some other blog posts, but what I can say now is that her time at Kindergarten Screening was emotional, enlightening and a little difficult. When we arrived we were instructed to wait in the vestibule with other families. We did not have to wait long and the staff at her new school are very kind. However, immediately after being escorted into a busy hallway, we were told we were being split apart from our kiddos. They would go one way, parents another. Juliana was trepidatious about this and didn’t want to go. Understandable so as it was her first time in the building with a lot of people she doesn’t know. I had to accompany her at the start. She was shy and nervous. They jumped right in to reading a story. A story she knows by heart but she clamped down and would not respond. She is reluctant to share herself with strangers…again I do NOT see this as a detriment. However, since my little girl came into this universe, other people have made us feel that this is not normal or not ok. (Again, I will write about this again another time) We worked through a couple of sad, teary and tough moments. I was able to pull myself away and go find the other parents.
Her school is lovely. I was sure to watch the interactions between the teachers and Principal. I wanted to see if I could sense any clues as to how things really are when families are not watching. We had a great visit from the PTA rep and we were encouraged to make little cards that will be given to our children on their first day of school. It was fun. I had this little voice or tug inside that kept me connected to her. I was sending out my energy throughout that building letting her know she is loved.
They conducted some “testing” with her. I did not get to see what they did or how she responded. Chances are, if the teacher did not take time to let her get warmed up or comfortable, she may have done nothing. It is a little sad to think J will look as if she can’t do certain skills that are actually easy for her. When I was still in that room with her she was refusing to write her name. Meanwhile, she can spell and write her first, middle, and last name.
Oh well, we have to let go, right? My husband and I are realising that she will come across to others a certain way in the beginning. But on her terms, in her time, she will let the world bask in her light. She will shine.
It’s a big day in our house. I am taking a half day at work on Tuesday for Kindergarten orientation. I am probably more nervous than my daughter. I am actually surprised at her excitement. I would have thought she would be terrified. She is a cautious and shy child. She can transition well from place to place, activity to activity. However, transitioning from person to person is where she struggles. She is not immediately trusting of people, which can work to our advantage in life. J is very bright and loves to learn. I am hoping that this next phase of our lives is met with enthusiasm and joy. She has such a thirst for knowledge. I know that the drone of routine can be beneficial but also stifling. I want my daughter to love school. Not just because it will make life easier for me, but because I think one of the greatest qualities a person could posses is a love of learning. I know that learning doesn’t only happen at school – but if she hates school, it may turn her off to learning in general.
Before we were released for Spring Break, I felt it was important to check in with my students and our passage from Midsummer. Now, it is not in our curriculum, unit plans, and it is not necessarily linked to anything we have been working on. It is simply something I love that I am sharing with my students.
I spent some time writing out the lines of “I know a bank…” on colored strips of paper. I had them with me in class and a couple of my students were intrigued. I put all of the strips in front of this group of five students. I did not arrange the strips correctly but had them scattered, out of order. I gave them the challenge of putting it all together. I was immediately surprised and delighted by their fervor. They put together as much as possible and then questioned me, “we don’t know what comes next, we didn’t learn all of this.”
I had given them a couple of lines we hadn’t done yet. They were perplexed. I told them to figure it out. Look at what they were given and break down the ideas, the code. I told them to look for things they know. I was shocked that they started discussing meaning of words, rhyme scheme, and flow. It was incredible. They did it! They put it together without me ‘telling ‘ them. Then the most amazing thing happened, one of the students went to another group of four kids and challenged them to put it together. I was exhilarated and proud. They were not only engaged in shakespeare’s words, but they were utilizing higher order cognition and having fun. This five to ten minutes was some of the best educational experience they would get for the day. Thank you Shakespeare.
(If you haven’t followed previous entries, I am using Ken Ludwig’s “Teaching your Children Shakespeare” book in my practice at home and in the classroom.)
I’m attempting to infuse “I know a bank” into my classroom lessons. It is difficult because currently we were required to do other things. I have been more diligent with weaving the Shakespearean lines into my second period class than my first. I didn’t think much of it. I’m realising that it has caused tension and slight disappointment. My students from the second period will request more shakespeare. Some of them met my daughter earlier in the week and referred to her as “the little girl that knows shakespeare”. They tried to chat and have a connection. While some of my students in my first period seem apprehensive about continuing because I have given more to my other stidents. I step back now and realise that this not only is what happens to young students and shakespeare but to young learners of anything.
If we disproportionately provide exposure to education, experience and passion for learning, we train one group to feel inadequate, indifferent or deficient.
(If you haven’t followed previous entries, I am using Ken Ludwig’s “Teaching your Children Shakespeare” book in my practice at home and in the classroom.)
Originally written 14 April – sorry late posting some entries.
If you have read previous posts of mine, you know I am reading Ludwig’s book “how to teach your children shakespeare”. I am slowly working on midsummer with my four year old. It is so much fun. When we were in Home Depot on Saturday, we went into the garden center. Juliana wanted to find the flowers mentioned in the poetry that she knew. She asked what is ‘quite overcanopied’ thinking it was a plant. I told her it was like plants growing over your head like a tunnel or umbrella. She jumped in the trolley as we walked through aisle of fruit trees because they were ‘quite overcanopied’! It is incredible what we are doing.
Last week, one of my colleagues was telling my class about the bunny banner my girl made. She told them that J named the bunnies after some of my students. I told them I read the roster and she picked random ones she remembered. The class wanted to see pictures. I showed them. Then I had a video of J reciting I know a bank. I showed them that and told them what it was. They were impressed and competitive. They decided that if she could do it- they could do it. I told them I haven’t finished the book. They don’t care. Right there. Right then. We scratched a portion of lesson and I know a bank where the wild thyme blows went up.
They are hooked. One line and it’s theirs. Someone makes sure it is written on the board everyday. Tomorrow I need to give them line 2. They are craving it. Somehow I have made reciting Shakespeare addictive. I’m the best drug dealer that school has!!!!
The other day I was attempting to have a cup of tea, while it was still hot, and attempt to relax.
I sat on the sofa admits the madness of my life. Deep breaths in and out. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile.
After my tea, I was in full tilt mama mode. In the middle of juggling too many things and thoughts, my daughter started jumping up and down. She ran to me with my cup. I had left it on her play kitchen.
“Look Mama there’s a heart. For you mama”. And there it was, in the bottom of my tea cup. Must mean something, right?
Update on my journey teaching shakespeare to my kids. This is exciting. Truly exciting news in my little chaotic existence. As I stated I began reading Ken Ludwig’s book about teaching Shakespeare. Originally when purchased I was reading to teach my students. When I quickly assessed that he used it for his own kids, I thought, hey why not mine?
One day while I was a couple of chapters in, Juliana asked me what book I was reading. I showed it to her and explained what it was about. She was smiley and said, “I want to learn.” Now, I originally thought I would read the whole book first and then give it a go but abandoned that because she was willing, eager and in a good mood. For parents of toddlers – you know take those opportunities when they come! She is 4 years old and spunky as all hell.
I explained that she would repeat after me – she can’t really read yet so this is a bit of a challenge with the sentence strips. I pointed to the words as I said them so maybe we could get some sight recognition practice too.
We started with “I know a bank where the wild thyme blows.” We said it a few times with the book and then I put the book down. but she wanted more. We went back and gobbled up “Where oxlips and the nodding violet grows”. It became a cute little phrase we danced to, sang to, cooked to and cuddled to throughout the day. She thought it was fun.
Then life happens and things get in the way. Shakespeare took a back seat to doctor’s appointments, work, dinner, diapers, toys, little brothers and everything else. About a week later I was getting ready to text one of my dearest friends in this universe. I was missing her and just needed to say it. She lives in South Carolina and we are in New York. Sunny was getting ready to perform in a production of Midsummer. On a whim I looked up at my daughter and said “I know a bank.”
Can you believe my astonishment that my four year old looked at me and smiled without missing a beat and said with a bucket of pride and sass, “I know a bank where the wild thyme blows. Where oxlips and the nodding violet grows”. I almost cried with joy.
I quickly recorded it for Sunny and sent it to her. What a perfect way to say I love you and celebrate my daughter possibly embracing a shared love and passion of her mom and Auntie. It was magical. We played with the phrase and then left it alone. I was so excited that my daughter had two lines of Shakespeare tucked in her heart, maybe forever. She and I will be bound to Midsummer as long as we breathe. I was in an instant so grateful to Mr. Ludwig for reminding me that love and learning are seeds of happiness.
Thankfully, it doesn’t end there! A few nights ago, my husband and I were sitting on the sofa in the throng of bedtime prep for Juliana and her 1 year old brother, Colin. Their grandmother was on the computer having a quick video chat. Juliana came over to us and said, “Mommy, I want to learn more Shakespeare.”.
swoon.
My mother asked her what she meant. She retrieved Ludwig’s book and opened it. She pointed to what I thought a random phrase and started to recite I know a bank. When I looked down, she was pointing to the words I know a bank!!! WTF. We got off the computer and began “Quite over canopied.” We created some hand gestures and within 15 minutes we were four lines of Shakespeare stamped on hearts.
The following day my mother sent emails of pictures of woodbine, oxlips and the other flowers. Juliana decided we should plant them in our garden. I agreed.
We are now on our way to having our very own Shakespeare’s Garden. Love is growing.
I have begun reading the first few chapters of “How to Teach your Children Shakespeare”. It’s easy to already see how to implement this into my life. I’m excited.
The other night, after I read the first two Chapters, I went into Juliana’s room to get ready for Bedtime. We cuddled, read stories and began to get drowsy.
She rolled over to look at me and said, “mummy what were you reading?”
“A book about one of my favorite writers and how I can help you to read and love his work. ”
“Who is it Mummy?”
“Shakespeare”
“Can we meet him? Go see him?”
“In a way, we can see his plays performed. Shakespeare is no longer alive. He died a long time ago. ”
“Mummy, is Shakespeare a dinosaur?”
I chuckled and hugged her. We are on our way because my daughter LOVES dinosaurs. “Yes in a way my dear he is. I love you. We will start reading his stuff together soon.”
This is going to be enlightening!
I am combining two of the things I truly love in this world- my kids and Shakespeare. I picked up this book as part of my “teachers choice”. That’s the stipend we are given to buy supplies and such for our classrooms. Every year teachers every where spend thousands of dollars of their OWN money to provide their students with the resources they so desperately need. NYC tosses some coins into our paycheck for such a purpose. It is usually 40-120$. Honestly it’s a drop in the ocean of money spent by teachers but I’ll take those drops gladly.
I am hoping to use this book to find new ways of infiltrating Shakespeare into my lesson plans. I usually teach at least one play per semester. I bought it hoping it would be more ways for me to build engaging lessons. I’m not going to lie- I teach great Shakespeare classes with my nyc high schoolers.
However, as soon as I began this book, I became not just inspired but determined to use it with my own kids. Juliana is 4. Maybe that seems young but we will try. Her brother is 10months- he will get it through our practice. I am so excited. I will post updates as to how it goes. Stay tuned!!!
Please feel free to comment or suggest.
It has been an exhausting day. I am running on very little sleep and suffering from back pain. My infant won’t nap and both kids want my constant undivided attention. They are so beautiful and wonderful yes. However in my sleep deprived over worked exhaustion, I am finding it difficult to stay positive.
Several times today I had to close my eyes and meditate. My daughter would then say “Mama are you ‘breathing'”? We have clearly been in this place before. This place of Mama about to lose her mind, go off the rails but attempts to model meditation. It is not always successful. In fact I feel like lately I have been more irritable, short tempered and fatigued than ever well except for when I was in first trimester with Colin. That was tough.
Juliana is trying so hard to Be a good listener and helper today. Yet in this quest she has also not stopped talking. Not for one second. I’m in sensory overload.
I was determined to get Colin down for his morning nap and we were already at noon and I had no success. I was rocking him, singing, everything. Finally, Juliana stopped talking. She came over to me at the buggy as I was wheeling him back and forth hoping it would work. She put her hand on me and said ” mommy, I believe in you…and Santa.”
I lifted my head to the heavens, closed my eyes and cried. She wrapped herself around my leg and squeezed. This little person has the ability to send me to places of rage, frustration, and fear. She also has this prophetic ability to say things that rock my shell of doubt and negative thoughts, make me vulnerable and joyous for her wisdom. Love.
I’m in the car. She and her brother are sleeping. We got that morning nap in for him. Then later went out to the store. Colin didn’t fall asleep until moments before getting home. When I got into the driveway, Juliana said “Colin is asleep. Mama please drive some more so I Can nap too.”
Wow! Didn’t think I could get that lucky and then I started driving. Less than 2 min away the heavens opened and it poured. I would have been attempting to get a toddler, bags and an infant down 80+ steps in torrential rains. We drove slow and she drifted off. I did a big loop of country roads for only 15 min when the rain stopped and the sun burst through. I saw this rainbow and took a picture for Juliana. I want her to see the magic when she wakes. I sit now and soak in the magic of my sleeping children. They teach me when I let them.
I’m in sensory overload. We are on the road. Driving back to NY day 2. We just went to Panera for a late lunch. I feel like I’m going to be sick. I don’t know if it’s because of my food or the fact that everyone is yelling or needing something from me. Juliana is testing the strength of our windows. I’m sure her voice can’t shatter them but she is willing to give it a whirl.
Colin is doing his sleepy song which is a combo him and whine. Matt has decided to turn the radio up and marley’s exodus is pounding my head into pudding. Juliana is currently talking about her poop. Yes it’s disgusting. She is inspired because at the last gas station she went and her poop was green. Bright green. What the hell did she eat? I don’t have a clue and I was so confused and grossed out by it. She now wants to discuss what would her poop look like in a multitude of colours. We are in crawling traffic. Bliss I say. Bliss.
We have just pulled out of the driveway of my parents house. We are on our way home driving from Florida to New York. It has been a wonderful holiday.
We are less than ten minutes into the drive and Juliana is wanting snacks and wiping her blanket around like a lasso.
Juliana is a skinny little thing but eats constantly. We got into the car and she wasn’t even strapped in and she is asking for snacks. We have to set timers so she waits in between snacks. It’s exhausting. We have a back seat that is filled with 2 children and snacks. It’s mind blowing.
I want to encourage healthy eating but don’t want to get obsessive over food because well I have food/ body issues. I am doing the best I can to celebrate my body so she doesn’t grow up in a house of self loathing modeled behavior. Not easy. Especially because she needs/wants to eat constantly.
She went the first four hours of our road trip asking to eat a new thing before she digested what she already was eating. It gets annoying and concerning. Road trips mean junk food. I try to keep it healthy but a lot of junk finds it’s way into car. Gummi bears, starburst, chips but we also eat granola, fruit, trail mix and carrots.
Juliana is a bottomless pit sometimes. She was double fisting puffs and Cheetos. It was comical and crazy. She can eat a pint of blueberries and about 10 strawberries then chase it with a granola bar.
Ok- I’m off work for just a short stretch so I want to get in as much reading as I can. I am going to read a book for work that will be dry but helpful. I’m also going to tick TWO books off my “currently reading” list: #ALLAMERICANBOYS and also #AWAlKINTHEWOODS. Update on both soon.
AAB so far is a wonderfully crafted glimpse into our current struggles with police brutality and black lives matter. It is better than I though it would be that is for sure.
We are in a challenging time, challenging phase with my four yr old. She turned four a month ago and I was hoping that with her birthday a magic lever would be mystically pulled by the universal force of love and gratitude. A lever that would transform the boundary testing three year old into a breezy charismatic four year old. This did not happen. It does not exist. I am everyday a new shade of exhausted.
Ñbn bñnaggyjb Within this past week, I have reached new levels of frustration and anger and yes, I lost my composure on more than one occasion. I went to crazy town with no hope of return. I think I screamed more this weekend than I did in her first three years of life. I am not proud. It isn’t funny. Does it make me a “bad parent”? I don’t think so. I can be honest with myself and give myself the kindness I would extend a friend.
Raising children is not easy. I never thought it would be. However, no matter how much experience with kids I have had, nothing prepared me for how complex my relationship could be with my daughter.
We have been through some challenges and changes in my family and I am using this moment to make some serious alterations to myself in hopes to be stronger and more capable of meeting those challenges and adapting to those changes.
I have recently decided to make some serious changes in my life. I have committed to getting healthy and losing weight and generally giving happiness the front seat of my journey.
I am 1.5 weeks into the 21 Day Fix by BeachBody. I am on a strict diet and exercise plan. I am also using Shakeology along side this plan to help me get to my goal fitness weight and feel. In the past I have tried diet plans but nothing clicked or worked. I needed more structure more discipline to make a difference. In the first week I lost 2.2 lbs. That is amazing results for me.
When I cut dairy out of my diet a few months ago I lost about a pound a week just removing dairy. Now I am really changing the shape of my body. This plan is difficult and I will be proud if I keep it going for the 21 days. I also think it is one of those things that I will have to do a couple of times to get to where I want to be.
This is an important move in my life. I amnot happy as I want to be. Yes, a lot of that stems from my unhappiness with myself and more specifically with my body. I am embracing that ideals that I cannot change others. I cannot make them love me, make them respect me or help me. I know that I can love, respect and help myself. That is what matters most. I want to show my daughter and son that a woman can be amazing no matter what. I want to be stronger than excuses.
I am off of work today and have worked out and considering exercising some more just for fun.
Today I had an unusual experience. We were at the zoo. It was extremely busy- Wednesdays are free. I forgot this. Usually I don’t go on Wednesdays because it’s packed. We budget each year for membership.
Yet there we were on a hot summer Wednesday. I decided to let my daughter play on rocks and spend as much time being happy regardless if we saw anything. There were crowds and lines so I just stayed calm and breezy.
After we spent an hour or two in the children’s zoo, we wandered out and over to the carousel. The line was somewhat long but my daughter insisted. The baby was getting fussy but to save my sanity I said yes. We patiently waited and slowly moved with the line. I am so proud of my girl, she was calm when normally queuing up gets her so antsy. I was holding my baby and watching my daughter when I noticed a kid put his hands on my stroller. Not menacingly just as if it was his. Then a young girl he was with starting touching it. I politely said please don’t touch my stroller. The brakes were not on and these kids we’re knocking it into the woman in front of me. Then I noticed they were not with the family directly behind me in line nor the next family. No, these kids were 3 families back. Another child was weaselling his way up as well. The two famines behind me looked annoyed.
Then it happened.
One of the girls reached out and pet my daughters hair. She had her back turned but quickly spun around and looked confused. I asked the kids to stop and move away from buggy. As I went to push buggy forward two of those kids started to stroke my daughters hair, pet her head like an animal and touch her arms.
I had to say sternly stop touching her. My daughter looked distraught and violated. I told them to leave her alone and I told them to go pet the goats not my child. I turned around. The families behind me looked appalled at these kids but. Said nothing. The adult ladies with these kids didn’t care at all.
That’s when I had the thought: my daughter is fair skin with white/blonde hair. These kids had dark skin and dark hair. If the roles had been reversed, white kids petting a black girl would someone have been quick to call is racist?
The Lion's Wings 