kids

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Sass Factory

My daughter has taken to rolling her eyes at us. It was something she did only every once in a while when she was really upset but now, now it is like breathing. It is almost as if everything I say is triggering a conveyer belt of ocular motion. She is ten. Almost eleven. It makes for some difficult mindful communication practice. I want to fall into some defaults of my childhood; scream, threaten, ignite, ignore with disdain or get snarky. This morning, I am breathing in the scent of my tea and imagining a cartoon conveyer belt of eyeballs rolling and replacing the old ones. It helps me stay calm and joyful through her moment of disgust with me.

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Inner Instinct and the Watchful Learner

This is a thought unraveling, in process of assessment with no clear direction or decision…yet.

I am thinking about about boundaries and communication and requirements.

The discussion of Nature vs. Nurture is one I have with myself a lot. Yes, I have discussions with myself.

When I look at what I want for my children or my students or my world around me, I realize that one of the true ways to get a manifestation of my hopes and dreams is to live them out loud. Totally easier said then done.

I am not here to tell anyone what to do. I am trying to makes sense of my options and choices by sharing. Recently I got silently upset with someone I care for deeply. I say silently because I didn’t react, yell, or comment on what happened. I got quiet with myself and really thought about what happened and how I felt about it and how I wanted to respond in my future speech and actions.

So, imagine this, a couple of kids are playing outside. They are hiking with some adults but no one is hovering or meddling with each other’s commune with nature. Sounds great, right. One of the kids finds a frog or a toad – not positive on its classification. That child is delighted and giddy. The child picks up the frog/toad. It jumps from their hands to be picked up again. The other child is overjoyed by watching this and picks up the animal. After a few brief moments of examination and appreciation, the frog/toad is released and hops off. The children skip along the trail. One child reaches into their pocket and produces a carrot stick for themselves saved from their snack break as well as a carrot stick for the other kid. One adult is thinking, what a fantastic moment of being resourceful and sharing. Wow, look at these kids. After walking for two minutes or maybe less, the other adult turns exasperated, “I just wish these kids would have the sense to wash their hands before eating when they have been handling a moldy toad. Seriously. They could have taken water from their water bottle and rinsed their fingers. It’s so disgusting. “

Okay, okay I am sure by now you realize that I am the Wow look at these kids adult. When this other person said that to me, instead of engaging in a discussion or possible argument, I sat with it. I thought about what they said. I kept coming up with this: how can anyone expect those kids to “have the sense” to wash their hands if they haven’t been taught to do it? Why spend time teaching kids to connect with nature if you will secretly be angry that they are connecting with nature? If they don’t see or feel the slime on their hands, then what would make them immediately think they need to be clean(er). Unless those kids have an internal instinct or need to be cleansed of any grime before handling food, they are in the moment. The frog/toad thing was so two minutes ago. They are in the sharing carrots and skipping on a trail moment now. I had a silent commentary delivered to this person that perhaps they need to be more proactive in modeling and instructing the children IN THE MOMENT of better hygiene. I thought about saying this and then I stopped. I thought about all the time I get frustrated with my kids, my students, other people. I then wondered am I clear with my needs? Am I modeling what I hope to see from them or myself? Am I complaining about something that I am not willing to redirect? Maybe I can check that before I jump into a possible verbal tussle with someone else. So, this is where I am. I am finding ways that gently in the moment I can show myself and my children choices of behavior. I can reinforce the good and try to let go of the not so good. Also this moment of reflection brought me to a place of being all I can be and not trying so hard to help some other adult be all I want them to be. They are on their own journey and sometimes I need to let go of trying to be on the same path.

,Have you ever held hands with someone and then there is a pole, a ditch, a thing in the path that will prevent you from walking as you were holding hands. In order to keep holding hands, someone needs to go around or maneuver. Sometimes you can lift your joined hands over something but other times, someone has to move. What happens when one person is clutching the other person’s hand and always doing the moving, dodging, ducking, leaping, scampering to keep their pace or let the other person have their bramble free stride? It isn’t okay for one person to have their unmoving way of walking and still get to hold hands. I for one have been in this place more times than I like to admit. I have shuffled around obstacles for the sake of others so many times I have lost not only my footing but my sense of direction. I am not interested in doing that anymore.

So now I am thinking about what my watchful learners are absorbing from me. I want to feel more confident that I am living the life I imagine for myself and them. I am still churning this around in my mind. Allowing my kids to have their internal, instinctual way of doing and thinking about stuff all the while I can live, show and be a version I am proud they can learn from too.

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Town Pool

July 2017!

A couple of days ago, we had a wonderful day spent at the Town Pool near my mother’s house. We are visiting for a a couple of weeks and sometimes we trek over to the town pool rather than spend the whole day at home in my mom’s pool. The town pool has diving boards, a sprinkler park, and water slides. It is a really nice facility and the population who uses it is diverse. It has a very laid back atmosphere while still upholding top notch safety regulations.

While we were there, a little girl was wading in the water near us. My mother and I were in the kiddie section with my little guy watching my daughter go down the water slides. This little girl was bobbing around and hanging on the ropes looking a little lost or bored. Eventually she spoke to my mother and told her that she didn’t really know how to swim. My mom had a lovely chat and while I was helping my 2 year old float and kick, my mom convinced this girl to paddle around and gain a wee bit of confidence. It was enough to ignite some life into her smile and also glue her to our family for the day. Shortly after this, it seemed every where we turned, there she was. My daughter played with her and swam, but this little girl really didn’t know how to do much but float and dunk her head under water. They had a hard time choosing what to do because my daughter, although a year younger than this girl, is a strong swimmer. The girl’s mother came over at one point wading through the water only to inform the girl that she was going to go over to the deep pools with a friend and she should just have my mom and I look after her. I was stunned. The woman made no attempt to even introduce herself to us or even speak to us, but hooked her daughter to us.

We did look after her. We included her into our conversations and played in the water. However, when it was time to get out to have lunch, I felt torn. I wanted to invite the girl to our table and blankets to eat. But something about it felt strange. I do this a lot. I take on other people’s stuff, or even other people without thought or question. However, I have committed myself to taking on MYSELF more than others and this felt in violation of that concept. I am grateful for my ability to pause and get lost in thought. It allowed the Universe to step in to guide me. The little girl waved and made her way through the sea of swimmers to find her family. I saw her across the pool deck seated slight away from the swarm of family surrounding bags of snacks and accessories. She waved again. I waved back. Moving forward and touched by an invisible strand of human connection. I am reminded that not everything NEEDS to be defined, solved, or analyzed.

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Love Letters

I didn’t know I had a really good idea about connecting families, stories, and souls until I charmed my way into Tanglewood for free one evening with a couple of new friends. I was on a little weekend getaway by myself. This is a very new experience for me and I must say it is wonderful. I met some ladies staying at the same place as me and we were just down the road from Tanglewood, the Summer home of the Boston Symphony Orchestra. On a glorious Saturday evening, we decided to hike down the road and sit in the parking lot to have a listen. Instead, I calmly marched us right up to gate and explained we would really like to come in. As if I was Obi Wan waving my hand in a Jedi mind trick, the security guards produced tickets and opened the gate. Voila. My new gal pals were giddy and convinced I am a witch. I am not a witch. Not in the least.

Our evening was delightful and as we laughed our way into the night, we began to swap stories and anecdotes of our personal lives. During the show I had been writing in a journal and one of the ladies asked me about it. I told her it’s my daughter’s book and she looked perplexed. I began to tell her the method to my madness. I found myself revealing a passionate writing process taken up by my family. I hadn’t set out to boast, expose, or instruct. However, we spend a short while walking and discussing the beautiful gift our family has created. One of the ladies asked me if I would mind if she shared my idea with some new moms she knows. She said it was something she wished she had for herself…I told her to share it with everyone. It was then I knew I should write this down and give it to you.

When my doctor told us we were pregnant with my oldest child, I began writing in a journal. This was a bit different than a personal journal because it was written to my baby. I just let myself stream of conscious work out whatever was happening for me. I knew enough of myself to not create any harsh deadlines or rules. When I wanted or needed to say something I wrote it down. When I was worried, I wrote it down. When I went to the doctor or had a discussion with my husband, I wrote it down. Not every day. I have several journals filled now and my daughter is currently five. I tell her anything. I talk about stuff that might be hard to say or I don’t want to forget. Sometimes I tell her things that are trivial. I just write. Someday I will give her these books, they are for her.

Much to our delight and surprise, when my daughter was two and a half, we found out we were pregnant with a little boy. I wrote about it in his sister’s journal. I felt sad I wasn’t making one for him. I gave it a lot of thought and knew what I am honestly capable of and two emotionally raw and real journals is NOT practical. I decided to write him a letter on the day he was born, March 17. Then I made a deal with myself that I will write him a letter on the 17th of every month until I can’t. He has 30 letters tucked in a box so far waiting patiently for his reading pleasure. They are not all long and some are written on cards or even postcards. They are my monthly check ins with him, with me, with us. It fills me with joy simply thinking of it.

The third part of this ritual came from my request but is not carried out by me. Right before my daughter was born, I was filled with the hormonal charged nesting and sentimental swirl that many mamas experience. I began to become nostalgic for my own grandmothers who both died many years before this. I had questions and requests for stories that could not be satiated. I came up with something I longed for, something I can’t have for myself, but wanted so dearly for my kids. I asked my parents and my husband’s parents if they would be interested in writing a letter to their new grandchild. I let them know it wasn’t mandatory but would be greatly appreciated. I asked them to consider for my daughter’s birthday every year they are alive to include a letter, a year in review from their perspective. I let them know I am not going to read these letters but shall have them kept for my kids. They will have a letter for every year they share this Earth with their grandparents. To my surprise, they now also do it for my son. My mom has included recipes and pictures I think. The letters come with their birthday presents specially marked and someday they will be able to reconnect regardless of distance or existence as I say. I was really touched when my husband decided that he would write a yearly letter to the kids on their birthdays as well. He gets pictures printed and includes them with his “Year in Review”. They must be the luckiest kids I know. Just imagine having letters marking your journey along with your grandmother’s journey from her perspective.

That’s all it is. A writing commitment of love. Now, I have heard many a mom rant that they don’t have time to scrapbook or lament how  they kept baby books for the first few months until chaos of life took over. Trust me, I am not super-pintrest-coupon-hacking mom. I made a commitment that was honest with what I could do and it has become so rewarding and magical. Think about it, can you take 10 minutes to write a card one time a month? Or perhaps spending a little longer on a letter but once a year is more suited to your lifestyle. We are caught up in the memes, tweets, and insta-gratification of our digital lives. How nice would it be to cosy up and read a letter to you from someone you love that you have missed for oh so long?

So that is my great idea. Take what you want, change it, make it fit you, and give a bit of yourself.

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June Poems: #2

I watch her sleep

envisioning the stretches

the changes

that will happen

over time.

How will she look

in ten years time?

If I am too busy

it will feel like it all happened

in a blink.

For now, I soak up

that angel skin

and soothing snore.

Take a deep breath

and pray for more.

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Money talks

opposite of spoiled

I just walked away from another conversation about money, kids and savings. So let me take this opportunity to talk about a book I am reading and recommending.  It seems like recently I am going about my day and all of a sudden I find myself talking or thinking about this book.  I have been reading through it in pieces but I am now recommitting to giving a page to page read and review. In case you can get a copy before I finish…it is facilitating amazing conversations about money in my every day life. Get it. Read it. Let’s talk.

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After Kindergarten Screening

I am having my lunch and reflecting on Tuesday’s exciting and emotional event. Kindergarten Screening…I was calling it Orientation but I found out yesterday that I get to go to another visit/orientation in August. This was a chance for some of the teachers and psychologists at the school to meet & greet the families. They also separate the kids from the parents to check on some skills before placing them in classes.

This did not go as well as I hoped.

I am staying positive and open to learning more about my child and our journey together. She is magical. When she was born 4.5 years ago, I knew I was on a journey of empowerment, discovery and humble love. J has always pushed y understanding of self and a women’s role in this world. Because I want to provide a healthy happy life for her, it is causing me to examine the way we treat women, girls and children.

This is all material for some other blog posts, but what I can say now is that her time at Kindergarten Screening was emotional, enlightening and a little difficult. When we arrived we were instructed to wait in the vestibule with other families. We did not have to wait long and the staff at her new school are very kind. However, immediately after being escorted into a busy hallway, we were told we were being split apart from our kiddos. They would go one way, parents another. Juliana was trepidatious about this and didn’t want to go. Understandable so as it was her first time in the building with a lot of people she doesn’t know. I had to accompany her at the start. She was shy and nervous. They jumped right in to reading a story. A story she knows by heart but she clamped down and would not respond. She is reluctant to share herself with strangers…again I do NOT see this as a detriment. However, since my little girl came into this universe, other people have made us feel that this is not normal or not ok. (Again, I will write about this again another time) We worked through a couple of sad, teary and tough moments. I was able to pull myself away and go find the other parents.

Her school is lovely. I was sure to watch the interactions between the teachers and Principal. I wanted to see if I could sense any clues as to how things really are when families are not watching. We had a great visit from the PTA rep and we were encouraged to make little cards that will be given to our children on their first day of school. It was fun. I had this little voice or tug inside that kept me connected to her. I was sending out my energy throughout that building letting her know she is loved.

They conducted some “testing” with her. I did not get to see what they did or how she responded. Chances are, if the teacher did not take time to let her get warmed up or comfortable, she may have done nothing. It is a little sad to think J will look as if she can’t do certain skills that are actually easy for her. When I was still in that room with her she was refusing to write her name. Meanwhile, she can spell and write her first, middle, and last name.

Oh well, we have to let go, right? My husband and I are realising that she will come across to others a certain way in the beginning. But on her terms, in her time, she will let the world bask in her light. She will shine.

 

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Before Kindergarten Screening

It’s a big day in our house. I am taking a half day at work on Tuesday for Kindergarten orientation. I am probably more nervous than my daughter. I am actually surprised at her excitement. I would have thought she would be terrified. She is a cautious and shy child. She can transition well from place to place, activity to activity. However, transitioning from person to person is where she struggles. She is not immediately trusting of people, which can work to our advantage in life. J is very bright and loves to learn. I am hoping that this next phase of our lives is met with enthusiasm and joy. She has such a thirst for knowledge. I know that the drone of routine can be beneficial but also stifling. I want my daughter to love school. Not just because it will make life easier for me, but because I think one of the greatest qualities a person could posses is a love of learning. I know that learning doesn’t only happen at school – but if she hates school, it may turn her off to learning in general.

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Jigsaw Shakespeare

 Before we were released for Spring Break, I felt it was important to check in with my students and our passage from Midsummer. Now, it is not in our curriculum, unit plans, and it is not necessarily linked to anything we have been working on. It is simply something I love that I am sharing with my students.

I spent some time writing out the lines of “I know a bank…” on colored strips of paper. I had them with me in class and a couple of my students were intrigued. I put all of the strips in front of this group of five students. I did not arrange the strips correctly but had them scattered, out of order. I gave them the challenge of putting it all together. I was immediately surprised and delighted by their fervor. They put together as much as possible and then questioned me, “we don’t know what comes next, we didn’t learn all of this.”

I had given them a couple of lines we hadn’t done yet. They were perplexed. I told them to figure it out. Look at what they were given and break down the ideas, the code. I told them to look for things they know. I was shocked that they started discussing meaning of words, rhyme scheme, and flow. It was incredible. They did it! They put it together without me ‘telling ‘ them. Then the most amazing thing happened, one of the students went to another group of four kids and challenged them to put it together. I was exhilarated and proud. They were not only engaged in shakespeare’s words, but they were utilizing higher order cognition and having fun. This five to ten minutes was some of the best educational experience they would get for the day. Thank you Shakespeare.

(If you haven’t followed previous entries, I am using Ken Ludwig’s “Teaching your Children Shakespeare” book in my practice at home and in the classroom.)

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The haves and the have nots

I’m attempting to infuse “I know a bank” into my classroom lessons. It is difficult because currently we were required to do other things. I have been more diligent with weaving the Shakespearean lines into my second period class than my first. I didn’t think much of it. I’m realising that it has caused tension and slight disappointment. My students from the second period will request more shakespeare. Some of them met my daughter earlier in the week and referred to her as “the little girl that knows shakespeare”. They tried to chat and have a connection. While some of my students in my first period seem apprehensive about continuing because I have given more to my other stidents. I step back now and realise that this not only is what happens to young students and shakespeare but to young learners of anything.

If we disproportionately provide exposure to education, experience and passion for learning, we train one group to feel inadequate, indifferent or deficient.

(If you haven’t followed previous entries, I am using Ken Ludwig’s “Teaching your Children Shakespeare” book in my practice at home and in the classroom.)

Originally written 14 April – sorry late posting some entries.

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And so it begins…

If you have read previous posts of mine, you know I am reading Ludwig’s book “how to teach your children shakespeare”. I am slowly working on midsummer with my four year old. It is so much fun. When we were in Home Depot on Saturday, we went into the garden center. Juliana wanted to find the flowers mentioned in the poetry that she knew. She asked what is ‘quite overcanopied’ thinking it was a plant. I told her it was like plants growing over your head like a tunnel or umbrella. She jumped in the trolley as we walked through aisle of fruit trees because they were ‘quite overcanopied’! It is incredible what we are doing. 

Last week, one of my colleagues was telling my class about the bunny banner my girl made. She told them that J named the bunnies after some of my students. I told them I read the roster and she picked random ones she remembered. The class wanted to see pictures. I showed them. Then I had a video of J reciting I know a bank. I showed them that and told them what it was. They were impressed and competitive. They decided that if she could do it- they could do it. I told them I haven’t finished the book. They don’t care. Right there. Right then. We scratched a portion of lesson and I know a bank where the wild thyme blows went up.

They are hooked. One line and it’s theirs. Someone makes sure it is written on the board everyday. Tomorrow I need to give them line 2. They are craving it. Somehow I have made reciting Shakespeare addictive. I’m the best drug dealer that school has!!!!

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Love in my cup

The other day I was attempting to have a cup of tea, while it was still hot, and attempt to relax.

I sat on the sofa admits the madness of my life. Deep breaths in and out. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile.

After my tea, I was in full tilt mama mode. In the middle of juggling too many things and thoughts, my daughter started jumping up and down. She ran to me with my cup. I had left it on her play kitchen.

“Look Mama there’s a heart. For you mama”. And there it was, in the bottom of my tea cup. Must mean something, right?

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4 Lines!

Update on my journey teaching shakespeare to my kids. This is exciting. Truly exciting news in my little chaotic existence. As I stated I began reading Ken Ludwig’s book about teaching Shakespeare. Originally when purchased I was reading to teach my students. When I quickly assessed that he used it for his own kids, I thought, hey why not mine?

One day while I was a couple of chapters in, Juliana asked me what book I was reading. I showed it to her and explained what it was about. She was smiley and said, “I want to learn.” Now, I originally thought I would read the whole book first and then give it a go but abandoned that because she was willing, eager and in a good mood. For parents of toddlers – you know take those opportunities when they come! She is 4 years old and spunky as all hell.

I explained that she would repeat after me – she can’t really read yet so this is a bit of a challenge with the sentence strips. I pointed to the words as I said them so maybe we could get some sight recognition practice too.

We started with “I know a bank where the wild thyme blows.” We said it a few times with the book and then I put the book down. but she wanted more. We went back and gobbled up “Where oxlips and the nodding violet grows”. It became a cute little phrase we danced to, sang to, cooked to and cuddled to throughout the day. She thought it was fun.

Then life happens and things get in the way. Shakespeare took a back seat to doctor’s appointments, work, dinner, diapers, toys, little brothers and everything else. About a week later I was getting ready to text one of my dearest friends in this universe. I was missing her and just needed to say it. She lives in South Carolina and we are in New York. Sunny was getting ready to perform in a production of Midsummer. On a whim I looked up at my daughter and said “I know a bank.”

Can you believe my astonishment that my four year old looked at me and smiled without missing a beat and said with a bucket of pride and sass, “I know a bank where the wild thyme blows. Where oxlips and the nodding violet grows”. I almost cried with joy.

I quickly recorded it for Sunny and sent it to her. What a perfect way to say I love you and celebrate my daughter possibly embracing a shared love and passion of her mom and Auntie. It was magical. We played with the phrase and then left it alone. I was so excited that my daughter had two lines of Shakespeare tucked in her heart, maybe forever. She and I will be bound to Midsummer as long as we breathe. I was in an instant so grateful to Mr. Ludwig for reminding me that love and learning are seeds of happiness.

Thankfully, it doesn’t end there! A few nights ago, my husband and I were sitting on the sofa in the throng of bedtime prep for Juliana and her 1 year old brother, Colin. Their grandmother was on the computer having a quick video chat. Juliana came over to us and said, “Mommy, I want to learn more Shakespeare.”.

swoon.

My mother asked her what she meant. She retrieved Ludwig’s book and opened it. She pointed to what I thought a random phrase and started to recite I know a bank. When I looked down, she was pointing to the words I know a bank!!! WTF. We got off the computer and began “Quite over canopied.” We created some hand gestures and within 15 minutes we were four lines of Shakespeare stamped on hearts.

The following day my mother sent emails of pictures of woodbine, oxlips and the other flowers. Juliana decided we should plant them in our garden. I agreed.

We are now on our way to having our very own Shakespeare’s Garden. Love is growing.

 

 

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Shakespeare and my kids 1

I have begun reading the first few chapters of “How to Teach your Children Shakespeare”. It’s easy to already see how to implement this into my life. I’m excited.

The other night, after I read the first two Chapters, I went into Juliana’s room to get ready for Bedtime. We cuddled, read stories and began to get drowsy.

She rolled over to look at me and said, “mummy what were you reading?”

“A book about one of my favorite writers and how I can help you to read and love his work. ”

“Who is it Mummy?”

“Shakespeare”

“Can we meet him? Go see him?”

“In a way, we can see his plays performed. Shakespeare is no longer alive. He died a long time ago. ”

“Mummy, is Shakespeare a dinosaur?”

I chuckled and hugged her. We are on our way because my daughter LOVES dinosaurs. “Yes in a way my dear he is. I love you. We will start reading his stuff together soon.”

This is going to be enlightening!

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Two of my loves…

  I am combining two of the things I truly love in this world- my kids and Shakespeare. I picked up this book as part of my “teachers choice”. That’s the stipend we are given to buy supplies and such for our classrooms. Every year teachers every where spend thousands of dollars of their OWN money to provide their students with the resources they so desperately need. NYC tosses some coins into our paycheck for such a purpose. It is usually 40-120$. Honestly it’s a drop in the ocean of money spent by teachers but I’ll take those drops gladly. 

I am hoping to use this book to find new ways of infiltrating Shakespeare into my lesson plans. I usually teach at least one play per semester. I bought it hoping it would be more ways for me to build engaging lessons. I’m not going to lie- I teach great Shakespeare classes with my nyc high schoolers. 

However, as soon as I began this book, I became not just inspired but determined to use it with my own kids. Juliana is 4. Maybe that seems young but we will try. Her brother is 10months-  he will get it through our practice. I am so excited. I will post updates as to how it goes. Stay tuned!!!

Please feel free to comment or suggest. 

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My rainbow

  

It has been an exhausting day. I am running on very little sleep and suffering from back pain. My infant won’t nap and both kids want my constant undivided attention. They are so beautiful and wonderful yes. However in my sleep deprived over worked exhaustion, I am finding it difficult to stay positive. 

Several times today I had to close my eyes and meditate. My daughter would then say “Mama are you ‘breathing'”? We have clearly been in this place before. This place of Mama about to lose her mind, go off the rails but attempts to model meditation. It is not always successful. In fact I feel like lately I have been more irritable, short tempered and fatigued than ever well except for when I was in first trimester with Colin. That was tough. 

Juliana is trying so hard to Be a good listener and helper today. Yet in this quest she has also not stopped talking. Not for one second. I’m in sensory overload.

I was determined to get Colin down for  his morning nap and we were already at noon and I had no success. I was rocking him, singing, everything. Finally, Juliana stopped talking. She came over to me at the buggy as I was wheeling him back and forth hoping it would work. She put her hand on me and said ” mommy, I believe in you…and Santa.” 

I lifted my head to the heavens, closed my eyes and cried. She wrapped herself around my leg and squeezed. This little person has the ability to send me to places of rage, frustration, and fear. She also has this prophetic ability to say things that rock my shell of doubt and negative thoughts, make me vulnerable and joyous for her wisdom. Love. 

I’m in the car. She and her brother are sleeping. We got that morning nap in for him. Then later went out to the store. Colin didn’t fall asleep until moments before getting home. When I got into the driveway, Juliana said “Colin is asleep. Mama please drive some more so I Can nap too.” 

Wow! Didn’t think I could get that lucky and then I started driving. Less than 2 min away the heavens opened and it poured. I would have been attempting to get a toddler, bags and an infant down 80+ steps in torrential rains. We drove slow and she drifted off. I did a big loop of country roads for only 15 min when the rain stopped and the sun burst through. I saw this rainbow and took a picture for Juliana. I want her to see the magic when she wakes. I sit now and soak in the magic of my sleeping children. They teach me when I let them. 

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Madness at the Library!

This is a ridiculous story. Seriously, I can hardly believe this happened to me.

Yesterday it was quite cold out and our three year old was wanting to play. We had had a tough morning of battling the three-nager power struggles. I decided to take her to our local Library. This is something we have been wanting to do and haven’t since the birth of my son five weeks ago. My daughter loves book – she really LOVES books. She loves going to the library and bookstores. We haven’t been to our local because it was under renovations for a long time. This was an exciting adventure.

When we arrived, the library was not busy. There was only three people using the main library and another mother with her daughter in the children’s library. My little one and I went to a table and immediately set up shop. We got lots of books and started to read. She invited “grumpy” over to join in – a large stuffed version of the character from Snow White. eventually J went over to the table with wooden toys to play with the other little girl. Making friends at three years old can be exciting and terrifying – hell it can be like that at any age. Soon the girls were laughing, playing, and then began a round of “chase” using the wooden dinosaur and giraffe supplied by the library.

I began a chat with the other Mom and I too was excited at the prospect of another friend. Her daughter is the same age. We both have babies as well, mine 5.5 weeks, hers 6 months. We asked the girls to practice their quiet voices a couple of times when they squealed in delight. We encouraged them to take some books and read together. They did this. They took some books over to a corner and sat and pretended to read. It was so cute.

However, there was a staff member at the library who began a tyraid that I will never forget. This woman came out of an office and stormed over to myself and the other mom. SHe scolded us saying the girls were too loud and the screaming would have to stop. Now by this time another little boy and an adult had arrived. The little boy was chasing the girls as well and yes there was some screeching. All in fun. They were pretending to be the dinosaurs and animals in their books. We asked our girls to be quiet. (mind you nothing was said to the young boy or his father/grandfather)

The staff member came out later when the girls were quietly reading and approached my self and  my new mom friend M. This staff member thrust a puzzle piece at me and said nothing. I was confused. She shook it at me, I took it from her and she gruffly told me it was for the table. M reassured the woman that were planning on doing a clean up with the girls when we were ready to leave. Staff member acknowledges this by thrusting another piece of puzzle at me. Then she says “Oh and they left books on the floor.”

I am confused. Aren’t we supposed to be excited that children love books and not just TV? If you are employed by a library system you know how desperate we are to get children engaged in our public library systems. Also, if children are reading a book don’t freak that it is out of place. I turned to my new friend and said, “this is why people go to Barnes and Noble. You can read anything, stay as long as you like, play with the toys, move books around and you’re not even forced to buy. Why go to a library?”

We had a chat about how our town offers very few programs for kids. We both agreed that neighboring towns offer so much more in camps, activities and programs. It is sad tat our library was closed for a long time to renovate and you can’t see any difference.

Soon the staff member came out again and approached us. She yelled. Yes, she actually began to raiser her voice. She said that our children forced everyone to leave the library. No one wanted to be there because of them. SHe was full on leaning in, pointing and yelling. Out of the fecking blue. M politely told the woman that there was no need to yell. This apparently upset the staff person more. She stomped around slamming books. She went after my child. J was in their little corner where they had been reading. she was waiting for her friend and the staff person start to approach her. She was menacing and told my daughter to go that mommy needs her.” I harshly told the woman to stop and went to collect my girl. I was only 10 feet away. I explained that the lady was upset and we should leave before Mommy gets upset too. While I did this the staff person went verbally after M. She yelled at her that she couldn’t do her job and put books away because we were blocking her path where we were standing(apparently excuse  me is not in her vernacular). She screamed at M that she couldn’t get her work done in her office because our children were so loud. I said these girls are only three and she should check herself as it was getting very scary and hostile. She yelled that we should complain to her supervisor. M asked her her name and the woman screams “Majorie” then slams her office door.

We collected the girls and tried to nonchalantly exit. I was flustered because I had told my daughter that we would take books and a movie out. I also needed a new card. I was so riled up and afraid I would escalate things further. M said she had to return some things while I left. Thankfully I had thought to give her my name and info so we could meet again. I was so upset. As we were leaving my daught said” that woman has a bad attitude.” Yes, J, yes she does.

We arrived home and I tried to tell my husband what happened. I was repeatedly interrupted by my daughter who told Daddy that a woman yelled at mommy and was scary and mean. J was upset that she can’t go back to the Library but I reassured her that we will go back. I immediately go on the phone with my Town Supervisor. I felt horrible that I left my new friend there. I just new my limits and I knew I would get “ugly” if I stayed.

Later that evening I received an email from M. Her accounts of what happened after I left the library are here:

It was nice to meet you and J today at the library.
That librarian, Marjorie, was truly off her rocker! After you left, I went in to return books and she came in yelling about us to the other librarians. I asked her if she was so concerned about the noise, why was she being ten times louder than the three year olds.  She went into the back office and said she was filing an incident report about us.  The other librarian asked me if I wanted to fill one out too so I did. While I was standing at the desk filling out the form, she kept shouting and screaming in the back office, slamming things down, and actually started hysterically crying!  I heard her say “I’m going to beat the shit out of her!” about me all while I was just standing there filling out the report.  I asked the other two librarians if they heard that and they both acted like they hadn’t because I could tell they are afraid of her.  Neither of them would make eye contact with her and one of them suggested that she go home so she could calm down and she said that was exactly what she planned to do because she couldn’t take this anymore and that the “library wouldn’t exist without her” and that she “barely gets paid anything”. She then stormed out of the library crying. The other two librarians both suggested that we report the incident to the Director, K M.  I filled out the report which will be given to her and here is her email address in case you are interested in reporting Marjorie as well. I wrote on the report that I was shocked that the library employs someone who is so clearly mentally unstable, especially to be working around children.

Ridiculous right?! I have emailed the appropriate person. I have left a message with my Town Supervisor. I am going back to the Library. And be ready folks, I will record any and all encounters with this Majorie if needed. This happened…At the LIBRARY.

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Eye of a Storm

Over the past few months, we have been bombarded with the rage and reason of our little girl. She just turned three. She is attempting to be Master of Universe before she is fully potty trained. She is on her way!

As I re-read and then posted my last entry about a day when she was on a rein of terror, I have reflected on my emotions and how I express them. I have reflected on my husband’s expression of his. This little girl has made me realise that while we are helping her to deal with her emotions and find healthy and safe ways of expressing them – we too must do a little work on ourselves. We are her constant models of coping and striving. I know I could use some attention to detail in the area of anger management or self esteem.

Today I am thinking about how I deal with being angry, hurt, frustrated and embarrassed. All the things that set her off – how do they manifest in me. This is an evening or weekend of simply noticing and paying attention to what I do – or not do.

From that I might be able to make some healthy changes to my own lifestyle.

Thanks kiddo.

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feeling kind of seasick

**This was drafted Nov. 2 during a temper tantrum. I didn’t post then, but shall do so now.

As a mom and an educator, I have been diligent to read and discuss the temperaments of children especially during crucial times in their development. No matter how much I read or talk about with other people I am ill equipped to handle and process the mood swings and extremes of my toddler’s temper tantrums. I am powerless. I am weak. I am shattered. I am a puddle begging for mercy.

Her first real “scream at me for no apparent reason for two hours” tantrum came the first week of September 2013. I know this because I took a photograph and a short video. Not because I intend to tease her with it later in life, but because I was so taken aback by her behavior and didn’t know what was happening. I was alone – my husband was working and it seemed to materialize out of nowhere. It was irrational and upsetting. Yet, it was done in two hours completely and didn’t visit us again for many months. The first tantrum was about an ice Lollie, or the color of one I should say. It was mental…so I thought then.

Months later we saw the next surge of difficult behavior. My daughter is very strong willed and stubborn. I want so much to love and embrace this but it can be difficult because she has officially decided to have her own view on the world that many times clashes with our schedule. I accept her as her own spirit, her own person. I try my best not to be unrealistic in what I ask of her while she navigates this journey. But I might be going crazy in the process.

This summer we had a lot of travel plans. In hindsight, not a good idea. However, the predictable thing about toddler’s rage is it is unpredictable. We had no idea she would hit the “terrible twos/threes” while on summer vacation. She had brief moments of power struggles and time outs. But this summer she began to unleash the beast.

I am currently sitting on the sofa trying to hold it together. My daughter is in the other room throwing a fit of epic proportion. I am alone. My husband is working and I am exhausted. She is dismantling the last stronghold of sanity I have. I am in tears and broken hearted. It is excrusiating for a mother to watch their child loose their temper, be in pain, struggle with their emotions. Today if my daughter is not trying to fling herself out of her crib, she is trying to climb back in. During all of this, she yells like a banshee. Normally when she is upset, she needs me and only me. However, with this recent wave of outburts, no one can comfort her. We have to surf the tidal wave of toddler terror.

We have seen her pull her hair out, throw toys, books – anything she can grab. We have witnessed her scream, drool and spit like a scene from the exorcist. She hits, kicks and bites. It is madness. On more than one occasion I find myself terrorfied that she is mentally ill. There is NO way that this can be age appropriate or normal. Yet I try to get direction and solace from blogs and medical journals that all say – yup, welcome to the club. We are parents of Toddlers and there is no sanity till maybe the age of 4 or 5. Seriously?! Can I make it? We have another child growing inside of me and I am overcome with fear of the alliance that will be made against me and their father.

 

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Unexpected News pt 1

I am a ball of mixed emotions. We are pregnant again. We are not jumping up and down excited. Our first daughter is two and will be three in four months. We never went on the pill in between pregnancies. We were always dancing on the edge of if it happens – great, if it doesn’t – great. After a little over a year after our daughter was born I found out I had several polyps, cysts, and fibroids. We were given the impression having another child would be difficult. Almost another year went by and we were confirmed that tumors grew, hormones were wacky and now I have a fibroid in my uterus. We were recommended to surgery if we wanted to get pregnant.

We decided to be complete with our daughter. The three of us. I spent many months focusing on our future as a family of three. I began this uber committed mindset to do things for myself and provide an incredible life for my little girl. I started to get really excited to take better care of myself and have a little more focus on me.

While visiting family for the fourth of July, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I was in shock. We were no longer thinking about another baby. I had been telling myself about all the reasons why it was better to have one child. We chose not to try not to think about it until I could get confirmation from our doctor. They had given us every reason to believe that if we got pregnant, we would have a miscarriage.    We went to the doctor six days ago. Our midwife cried with joy to see the heartbeat. She said there was very little chance we would have any problems. She seems to think this is meant to be and everything is fine.

I think we are in shock. Are we happy? I feel like we have been getting conflicting ideas, reports, opinions on my health and fertility for over a year. Now I think we are worried that this won’t be as well, easy as the first pregnancy. I think my husband is worried that I will miscarry. I am more worried that something will be wrong with the baby.

We haven’t told anyone but a very close friend. I guess the minute we tell family it becomes real and we will have to be just as open with anything that happens. I hope people in our family are excited. For some reason I am thinking that this is not going to be as joyous a surprise.  Is that crazy? We will find out very soon.