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Eye of a Storm

Over the past few months, we have been bombarded with the rage and reason of our little girl. She just turned three. She is attempting to be Master of Universe before she is fully potty trained. She is on her way!

As I re-read and then posted my last entry about a day when she was on a rein of terror, I have reflected on my emotions and how I express them. I have reflected on my husband’s expression of his. This little girl has made me realise that while we are helping her to deal with her emotions and find healthy and safe ways of expressing them – we too must do a little work on ourselves. We are her constant models of coping and striving. I know I could use some attention to detail in the area of anger management or self esteem.

Today I am thinking about how I deal with being angry, hurt, frustrated and embarrassed. All the things that set her off – how do they manifest in me. This is an evening or weekend of simply noticing and paying attention to what I do – or not do.

From that I might be able to make some healthy changes to my own lifestyle.

Thanks kiddo.

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feeling kind of seasick

**This was drafted Nov. 2 during a temper tantrum. I didn’t post then, but shall do so now.

As a mom and an educator, I have been diligent to read and discuss the temperaments of children especially during crucial times in their development. No matter how much I read or talk about with other people I am ill equipped to handle and process the mood swings and extremes of my toddler’s temper tantrums. I am powerless. I am weak. I am shattered. I am a puddle begging for mercy.

Her first real “scream at me for no apparent reason for two hours” tantrum came the first week of September 2013. I know this because I took a photograph and a short video. Not because I intend to tease her with it later in life, but because I was so taken aback by her behavior and didn’t know what was happening. I was alone – my husband was working and it seemed to materialize out of nowhere. It was irrational and upsetting. Yet, it was done in two hours completely and didn’t visit us again for many months. The first tantrum was about an ice Lollie, or the color of one I should say. It was mental…so I thought then.

Months later we saw the next surge of difficult behavior. My daughter is very strong willed and stubborn. I want so much to love and embrace this but it can be difficult because she has officially decided to have her own view on the world that many times clashes with our schedule. I accept her as her own spirit, her own person. I try my best not to be unrealistic in what I ask of her while she navigates this journey. But I might be going crazy in the process.

This summer we had a lot of travel plans. In hindsight, not a good idea. However, the predictable thing about toddler’s rage is it is unpredictable. We had no idea she would hit the “terrible twos/threes” while on summer vacation. She had brief moments of power struggles and time outs. But this summer she began to unleash the beast.

I am currently sitting on the sofa trying to hold it together. My daughter is in the other room throwing a fit of epic proportion. I am alone. My husband is working and I am exhausted. She is dismantling the last stronghold of sanity I have. I am in tears and broken hearted. It is excrusiating for a mother to watch their child loose their temper, be in pain, struggle with their emotions. Today if my daughter is not trying to fling herself out of her crib, she is trying to climb back in. During all of this, she yells like a banshee. Normally when she is upset, she needs me and only me. However, with this recent wave of outburts, no one can comfort her. We have to surf the tidal wave of toddler terror.

We have seen her pull her hair out, throw toys, books – anything she can grab. We have witnessed her scream, drool and spit like a scene from the exorcist. She hits, kicks and bites. It is madness. On more than one occasion I find myself terrorfied that she is mentally ill. There is NO way that this can be age appropriate or normal. Yet I try to get direction and solace from blogs and medical journals that all say – yup, welcome to the club. We are parents of Toddlers and there is no sanity till maybe the age of 4 or 5. Seriously?! Can I make it? We have another child growing inside of me and I am overcome with fear of the alliance that will be made against me and their father.

 

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girl pride

On a beautiful Sunday afternoon, my husband and I had plans to kayak on the Hudson River. We hired a babysitter and planned an afternoon date. On our way to get lunch and go for a paddle, we stopped in at an open house for some beautiful town houses around the corner from where we live.

We were not in the market to buy but we were curious. Maybe it is something we could do in the future. We strolled around the place and enjoyed our visit. Before we left, the agent representing the property approached us. She asked us about our lifestyle and needs. She saw that I am pregnant so she asked about kids. We told her we have a daughter and a son on the way. This is where it went oh so typical and oh so sour for me.

I am fed up with this stereotype that is perpetuated by worst of all – women, mothers.

This woman felt the need to try to “reassure” me that my son will be “easier”. Because boys are so much easier than girls she claimed. I informed her that I didn’t feel that my daughter was difficult or an imposition on my life. One would think she would have taken that as a cue – STOP TALKING.

Oh no, this woman launched into how boys settle things in their own way. “They figure out how to argue and fight and be done with it when playing with each other. But Girls”, she said, “Girls are bitchy and mean. Trust me she says put a bunch of little girls together and it gets nasty quickly. It is such a pain. I mean the boys fight, they hit and settle it.”

I quickly told her that I think that is a product of socialization to think that it is OK for boys to fight it out but girls should be proper at all times. I told her that maybe her perception or expectations are unreasonable and gender biased. I love my daughter and hope she will find a multitude of ways of expressing her feelings that are respectful to others and truthful to who she is as an individual.

This “boys will be boys” attitude is what allows us to look the other way as some young men develop traits, attitudes and misconceptions about what it means to be a man and how to treat women. If we take some ownership in how as a society, especially parents, we allow and foster an idea that boys are allowed to be hostile or aggressive. Just the same way that we don’t label our boys as being “bossy”. We encourage them to be “leaders”. Women have difficulties expressing anger, frustration and dominance in life due to a lifetime of stifling their emotions and desires because they are not seen as ‘ladylike’.

I am looking forward to beginning a life long love with my son and watching him grow and evolve. The same as I am on a glorious adventure with my daughter. Of course there will be differences but mostly stemming from the fact that they are different people. I want to foster their individual spirits as well as giving them foundation to deal with their emotions and assert themselves in their world in a positive healthy way.

 

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Trust Yourself

We are full steam ahead on this new adventure of including another spirit into this family. It is exciting, scary, and mind blowing all at the same time. I am 14 weeks pregnant and getting LARGE. It seems as though my body fell back into being pregnant quite comfortably and quickly.

I have been exhausted and feeling a bit haggard. Growing one baby while chasing a toddler is not an easy feat. I have had to exercise a lot of control to keep my anger, frustration and fatigue in check.

I think today I have turned a corner. I was flooded with doubt and general feelings of insecurity for the past few months. I know a lot of this is hormonal but I also think I had lost my inner strentgh. For the past three days I have been using a mantra of “trust yourself”. I am using this to propel myself into opportunities to be kinder to myself and put myself at the forefront of my energies.

Today I have gotten some work for my job done, I went to the gym and I have done some chores around the house. This included some amazing quality time with my little girl. This morning she picked carrots from our garden and ate them for breakfast. It was pure joy we shared while coloring and drawing farms to visit. I washed some new clothes for the baby and got officially excited to do this again. I look in the mirror and I have already gotten back the pudgy and chub I had worked so hard to loose but I know that this is weight of happiness I carry now. I don’t have to feel shamed or defeated by my appearance. I am building a nest.

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Unexpected News Pt 2

I have been on a journey of pushing myself to shed my barriers and baggage of my childhood and rediscover the free wheeling, risk-taking artist within.The news of having baby number two sent me into a scary place of doubt and fear.

I am realizing some of my fears are because of my own experiences as a sibling. I don’t have a lot of happy brother-sister memories. I wish I did. That’s part of the problem. I had a shitty relationship with my brother and I spent most of my life trying to pretend it was better or that we were close. I would have been better of  to accept it as a shitty relationship and move on. Not easy for a child to do.

I am worried that my daughter and her sibling will fight life my brother and I did. I was on the receiving end of a lot of verbal and physical abuse. I did not recognize it as unacceptable or horrific circumstances – it was just my life. I went most of my life thinking this is what most people experienced. I have felt like an outsider and worthless because I did not prescribe to my brother’s bully sense of humor. I kept quiet and let this fester and destroy me from the inside out. I know that it is not a family dynamic I want for my children. I am working on the concept that I will foster a different dynamic with my family. It is going to take a lot of work but I must do it.

Juliana gives me so much joy. I am learning about life and love every moment because of her. Maybe the Universe has decided I have earned an extra helping of this love. I have felt so unworthy my whole life but there is an excitement to think I am being blessed.

We have another appointment with the doctors on Monday. Juliana is going with me to hear the baby’s heartbeat. After this appointment we are telling our families the news. I need to embrace all of this for myself and not look to others’ reactions to determine my fate. Sometimes I still get caught in a trap of needing my parents’ approval or acceptance. This is my new family and I am determined to wrap myself in love and bravery.

It is so surreal we are having this baby. We spent so much time debating whether or not we should engage in any intervention. We decided to not pursue medical help and let it be. “one and done”. Both children were not planned but the Universe giving us what we need when we need it. Ok- here we go.

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Unexpected News pt 1

I am a ball of mixed emotions. We are pregnant again. We are not jumping up and down excited. Our first daughter is two and will be three in four months. We never went on the pill in between pregnancies. We were always dancing on the edge of if it happens – great, if it doesn’t – great. After a little over a year after our daughter was born I found out I had several polyps, cysts, and fibroids. We were given the impression having another child would be difficult. Almost another year went by and we were confirmed that tumors grew, hormones were wacky and now I have a fibroid in my uterus. We were recommended to surgery if we wanted to get pregnant.

We decided to be complete with our daughter. The three of us. I spent many months focusing on our future as a family of three. I began this uber committed mindset to do things for myself and provide an incredible life for my little girl. I started to get really excited to take better care of myself and have a little more focus on me.

While visiting family for the fourth of July, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I was in shock. We were no longer thinking about another baby. I had been telling myself about all the reasons why it was better to have one child. We chose not to try not to think about it until I could get confirmation from our doctor. They had given us every reason to believe that if we got pregnant, we would have a miscarriage.    We went to the doctor six days ago. Our midwife cried with joy to see the heartbeat. She said there was very little chance we would have any problems. She seems to think this is meant to be and everything is fine.

I think we are in shock. Are we happy? I feel like we have been getting conflicting ideas, reports, opinions on my health and fertility for over a year. Now I think we are worried that this won’t be as well, easy as the first pregnancy. I think my husband is worried that I will miscarry. I am more worried that something will be wrong with the baby.

We haven’t told anyone but a very close friend. I guess the minute we tell family it becomes real and we will have to be just as open with anything that happens. I hope people in our family are excited. For some reason I am thinking that this is not going to be as joyous a surprise.  Is that crazy? We will find out very soon.

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Road Trips are not for the weak

Last Monday morning, my family embarked on a road trip from the NYC area to Florida. It was me, my husband and our two year old daughter in the car. Most of our friends think we are crazy for driving so far with a Toddler. Maybe we are a bit crazy. I truly believe that these experiences are what bind us, keep us as a loving family. It is hours and hours of being enclosed in a car – just us. I know, I know that most people would shudder at the thought. But I love it. I look forward to it.

So much of our lives revolves around communication and experience that is quickly followed by something else. I want my daughter to embrace the monotonous journey down the East Coast with a ease and creative spirit. We spent a lot of time singing along to Mary Poppins and The Jungle Book. We play games and tell stories. The Ipad doesn’t come out until later in the evening of if it is meltdown central. Even in the car, TV is a last resort.

I am so aware that someday soon she will want to do plenty of other things rather than hang out with us. I am soaking it all in while I have the chance. Road trips are great. They are not without their challenges and drama. This last one was met with horrific smelling gas and an imminent bought of diarrhea. We made it to South Carolina before the really icky stuff came our way. She was a trooper.

The toughest part is usually when we get to our hotel. We stop halfway or sometime a little further if we are lucky. She seems to perk up and find new strength right when Mummy & Daddy are finally able to sleep. Although it is annoying, it has provided us with some of the most hilarious memories of her running around a hotel room laughing hysterically at herself in full length mirrors. This time when we checked in, we used a bell hop’s cart to take our luggage up to the room and she got to ride along. It was like the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade in the hotel! She waved and cheered and had the most wonderful time riding with our bags. Simple things. We have to unplug our phone in the room because she immediately gets on it to call someone. She finds pleasure in the littlest things and it is wonderful even late at night with 10 hours logged in on the road.

But in the morning it is back on the road. It is always a look of terror we have when 10 minutes down the road she wants to know how much longer. This time around, it was very hot and she was starting too get her bad belly. She was feverish and generally miserable. We stopped at a gas station and changed her diaper.  A policeman came over on his motorbike and showed her the lights. He gave us a free coupon for a slurpee at 7-11. I was so grateful. Not because we couldn’t afford it, but because it was just the excitement she needed to get hydrated and take Tylenol. It was a gift from the heavens. Also because it gave me the excuse to get one for myself!

The last 8 or so hours of our drive, I spent cramped into the back seat against all the bags. My daughter was insistent that I sit right next to her. In the middle of the back seat with my legs on the center console. She wanted to hold hands and chat. It was terribly uncomfortable. I had sharp pains in my hips that eventually went numb. I was subjected to what felt like 24 hours straight of Peppa Pig. I survived on twizzlers, chips and a little pasta salad. The magic is when I look back on it all, I smile. I am reminded of the pats on my forearm, the stories, the giggles and the kisses.

 

 

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A Bully is a Bully

It has been a tough week, hell a tough year at my job. Recently my coworkers and I have been subjected to some pointless at work drama. In a pub, at a celebration of people, a party for people who are leaving to go to other jobs (they were laid off), one of my co-workers become loud, agressive and hostile. I was NOT there so this is third party reflection. However, it is truly sad as to why this became drama that extended to almost twice as many people who were actually there at the pub.

My co-worker began to interrupt to attempt at being festive to launch his usual campaign and floggings about our contributions to global warming and the destruction of the universe. He was not drunk. He then became semi abusive in his quest to turn everyone within earshot to be Vegan. This guy does this a lot. We usually shrug it off, but a lot of people have had it with him. Finally, one of the guys that is ‘friends’ with him let him know that people take offense to his approach. Whereas he might be correct and have scientific evidence to back his claims he has undoubtedly become a “Vegan Bully”. When I heard this term, I said that’s exactly what he is!

Vegan Bully. He engages in hostile, aggressive and damning rhetoric to “encourage” his audience to become vegan. Unfortunately he has turned off so many people from trying to cut back from processed foods and meats. I have said he actually makes you want to eat meat and burn down the rainforest.  Maybe only a slight exaggeration. slight.

The point of all of this is – a bully is a bully. Even if you are trying to bring people to a better way of life, your tactics matter. Our Vegan Bully (VB) tried to compare himself to an abolishionist. Really, on the 50 year anniversary of the freedom rides and so many events in the Civil Rights Movement – he wants to use that as his defense to being a jackass. Yuck.

I say, Celebrate your life. Find Balance. Make achievable goals towards a better you and a better world and come from a place of love.

No Bullies allowed.

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Summer Solstice

It’s day 2 of my “no Red Meat Week”. I don’t eat a lot of red meat. SO I decided that this was a great way to begin an experiment of a cleaner, leaner me.

I began my morning with Bikram Yoga at 8:30 am. 105 degrees and loved every moment. OK, maybe loved every moment is a inflation of the truth. There were some definite moments of struggle, despair and pain. Yet, in the end, it felt good. I got on the scale this morning as well. Facing the facts and moving forward.

Breakfast was quinoa and spinach salad with lots of water to drink. I feel good. Really good. We have spent most of this lovely afternoon outside in the garden. My daughter kept saying it is a beautiful day and she is right.

Tonight we are going out and I am determined to eat healthy and have a good time. I am blessed with a wonderful family and I am allowing myself to just enjoy life a lot more than I have done. It has a been a tough few months and I am realising that I have been very tough on myself.

Clean eating can lead to clean thinking. This is what I am going on for now.

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No Red for 7

So this week I am going without red meat. Seven days of no red meat. The hope is I will then try seven more and maybe cut back or eliminate something else as well.

It is astounding the health benefits that can be gained from eating a cleaner diet. I am overwhelmed by the toxic way of life I have been living in so many ways. This is my summer of a new self, a fresh start.

No red meat 20June-27. I don’t think it will be difficult except that I have come to realize that so much of the crap I eat is out of convenience. We are what I would have called fairly healthy. But in this attempt to be better to myself and be more honest – no we can do better. My husband will NOT give up meat and I do not expect him to do so. I do hope that we can try to shop more responsibly in the future.

 

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Spring time is for reclaiming myself

Recently I took some risks. I put myself out there, exposed myself to others I didn’t know. I read some of my writing aloud and received feedback. I didn’t over think. I jumped. It felt great. It made me want to do more. I want to take care of me a bit more than I have. I have been missing things I used to have or do in my life. I can mold some of these things into a new version of me. I want to. I am excited.

 

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the other pillow is empty

Even though I am so tired, I am tired from the inside out, even though I have built and commandeered a world class emotional roller coaster for a long time,  even though I have chased and run and cooked and planned and written and listened until I thought I could do no more…

I cannot sleep without your head on the pillow next to mine.

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Backseat healing

I am guilty of this…being so hurt or struck by something that I am rendered speechless or paralytic. I say I will put my healing, my process, my self first but then I try to drive that forward from the backseat. Now easy. Not practical. Not productive.

I am taking risks and talking more. I am trying to stand up for myself or make initiative on healing. I am not good at this. I am not.

In saying this I am not looking to make excuses but to own my deficit. It seems the past six months has been a lesson on a lot of things I am not good at – interpersonal, communication, self healing type of things…there are more but just that mini list makes me sad.

I need to get in the front seat. I need to feel confident in my healing and that it doesn’t mean I am running someone else over. I do have such wonderful people in my life. I celebrate them by letting myself be the wonderful person they love.

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come in from the cold

Aside a dancing bonfire in our garden I was reunited with the warmth of my happy soul. The flames flicked and raged cutting through the bitter cold air. The logs piled onto of a snowbank with an icy trail cut around for dancing. Lounge chairs sunken into the frosty snow with a view of our semi-frozen river invited me to rest and learn to warm myself from the inside out.

It is true, I will never be perfect. Not even close and that is fine. I will be warm, I will be loved, I will love.

The people we spend our precious time with is crucial to our inner warmth and strength. I lost my way on this recently. I vowed this year to get back on track and I know I am on that path. I am dancing around a fire in the frigid night air with a smile on my face and laugh in my heart.

 

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RIP PSH

Someone died this week.

I am not speaking metaphorically, he really died. He was an inspiration to me as an artist and I am especially grateful for the few times I had the pleasure to chat with him. I will always be amazed and inspired by his talents.

I have anecdotes about talking with him or seeing him perform or even direct. But right now I am slightly bothered by what I seem to be inundated with in my social world. I cannot escape the anger that people have towards the individuals trying to catch the people who sold him the drugs. See, this man died from an overdose. A pretty serious amount of narcotics was the culprit. It is horrible, tragic and painful for all who loved him. Now, his loved ones and the authorities want to catch the people behind the drug deals.

This has a lot of other people angry. Angry because they feel that if he had been black or not famous – no one would care about catching the dealers. Maybe this is true. Maybe we don’t hear about the not so famous dealers getting caught because they are selling to not so famous people. I agree that drugs and their abuse is a massive problem in our society. I believe that racism is a massive problem in our society.

I want to just encourage anyone who reads this to think about this for at least 24 hours.

Someone died. Some mother’s child died. He had an illness, an addiction and the family is hurting. They have enlisted their loved one’s fame in order to catch someone who could be dealing to not so famous people, black people, brown people, purple people. Maybe we can give the family a day longer to hold their loss dear and feel empowered to make positive change happen through this loss

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A Great Holiday Craft

Hand print wreath

Hand print wreath

I was just thinking about this amazing holiday craft that I found in a magazine and made some of my own. I made wreaths for the grandmothers of my daughter and one for ourselves. I used the handprint when she was one year old and it makes the most sweet holiday decoration. I even told one of my good friends to bring me a tracing of her son’d hand and I made one for her. It is really easy so I thought I would share.
Supplies Needed:
cut out tracing of a hand
different colors of green felt
foam wreath ring of your choice in size
a wreath bow
scissors
pen
glue gun

Directions:
-take hand tracing and cut out several green felt versions – amount depends on size of hand and size of ring. (I use about seventeen handprints)
-Place the felt handprints around the wreath in a pattern or grouping of your liking.
-Glue the handprints down to the ring.
-Take the bow and tie around the wreath concealing the twist tie – I make an additional loop on the back with the tie for hanging.
-enjoy

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A Good Cry

She was napping. I was using that time to get things done. A common attempt in our house. I was crossing the room wondering how long she would sleep when I heard the first howl.

It was if the Banshee had entered my daughter’s body and was signaling the chariots that my glimpse of free time was dead. Over. Kaput. Yet not without an interesting lesson to learn.

I opened her door and called her name ever so sweetly. She wailed and kicked. I went to her bedside and told her I was there and that I love her. My little girl thrashed and yelled. I asked if she wanted me to pick her up and she said No. I tried to stroke her and she said go away. I left the door open and went out of the room. She continued to scream and wail. I called to her and said I am here, I love her and when she is ready I will come get her.

The yelling continued for some time, it is hard to tell how long. Any amount of time my child is in distress feels like an eternity to me. I went back into the room giving her space but letting her know I was there. She asked, Where’s Daddy?” I reminded her that he was working today and would be home soon. I asked if she wanted to get out and come in the other room. To which she screamed No and continued to sob.

I stayed and sat with her. I gave her soft soothing words, telling her of my love for her. I moved to the other room and got some cozy blankets together on the sofa and some grapes. I called to her again and said I would love so much to cuddle her. When I approached her bed she was sitting up clutching her purple blanket. She put her arms out for me.

I scooped her up still crying. I changed her diaper while she cried and yelled. I smiled and said I want to understand what she is feeling but I will wait. I bundled her back up and embraced this siren sounding girl in my arms. We sat on the sofa and snuggled into our blankets. Soon she saw the grapes and her crying slowed. She took one and put it in her mouth.

I rubbed her back as she let the tears and grape juice stream down her face. I kissed it all away as she calmed. I closed my eyes and breathed deep breaths. I continued this meditation until she sweetly said, “Mummy, I want more grapes, please.”

About two hours later we were playing and having a wonderful time. She stopped  to say, ” Mummy, I was crying.”

“Yes, my love, you were.”

“I needed to scream Mummy. I needed a good cry.”

In that moment I was overwhelmed with love and astonishment. I was so proud of her for understanding this about herself and proud of me – for not making her feel that she had to be quiet or stifle this expression. We were at home, just us – sounds like a very good time for a good cry.

How is it that my two year old has a better awareness of herself and confidence in her needs and expression than I may ever have? I alter my thoughts and feelings so I won’t impose on others. I stifle, stuff and suffocate my feelings. I over think, over explain and let others over power my needs. Here is this little person so full of self awareness and self esteem. She is teaching me and I can only hope I will be her best student.

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not fade away

footprints on my soul

footprints on my soul

What do you take with you? Everyday is another journey and some moments, feelings, people and things move with you and some get left along the side of the road.

I am at a crucial moment in my life. I am being forced to take the final swing of the axe on an eleven year friendship. The other person in this relationship has been one of the closest people in my life for years. In the past few months, I have kept my distance because I didn’t feel emotionally, spiritually nor mentally safe.

I have battled a situation at work with an abusive co-worker, difficult expectations and stressful assessments. I no longer want to be ruled or exhausted by them – I choose to see challenges as an opportunity to shine and learn. I know I can communicate and prosper among those that are full of stress and negative energy. I can surf through it.

I look back at this picture and I am quickly reminded of what really matters in life and how temporary it all is. I choose to focus on the good things in life, the love. I choose to enjoy moment to moment surrounded with those that encourage me to let go of negative baggage. I move forward into this new year with the hope and understanding that I can control my own perspective and actions. I am responsible for how much thought and energy goes into each relationship and the feelings generated from them. I choose happiness and love.

I look at this picture and I feel the prints in my heart and soul that have been made with love and joy. I  look at this picture and let the tide wash the rest away. I have learned from the mistakes and pain and now I let go.

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reflection on Thursday

“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.” -Nelson Mandela

I was deeply saddened and reflective upon learning of Mandela’s death. I was home from work and my husband saw it on Twitter moments after it was announced. We had just been having a discussion about something he said to me the night before. I didn’t feel it was very kind and yes, I was a little resentful. We were talking it through – rather I was talking it through. He was listening and then waiting until I was through and changed the topic – usually how it goes. Usually leaves me feeling unsettled and resentful.

Then Mandela died and I was overcome by a flood of memories. Memories throughout my life of learning about this man. I have always been an admirer. He has been an inspiration through out my teenage years and beyond. I sat down and turned on the news. I listened to the President speak. I cried a little. Then I turned off the tele and went to pick up my daughter from daycare. I embraced her with the love of ages. I silently tried to transfer a respect for Mandela’s journey and what I have learned. I gave thanks that education is and always be an opportunity for her. I soaked up the sight and sounds of her to carry with me whenever we are apart.

Then, yesterday a co-worker reminded me of this Mandela quote. Of all the quotes that flooded to my head, this one did not…until she gave it to me. I needed it. I didn’t know how much until that moment but I needed it.

I am swirling inside with unresolved bitter and hurt feelings. They seem to increase every time I try to work them out. This weekend I am reflecting on this quote and examining myself and what I hold onto. I am rejoicing in the here and now as it is full of love and hope. I shall try to “forget the past” and leak out my toxic resentment.

Love is strength.

For the longest time I had people close to me tell me I needed to learn to be more selfish. I thought what a horrible thing to aspire to – but I gave it try. I think my efforts have failed me as I have learned to be selfish in the wrong ways. What my loved ones meant when telling me to be selfish was to be stronger in my commitment to myself, my dreams. I need to be more confident in my place in this world as a beacon of love. The more I try to please others and their manipulative ways, the more manipulative and unhappy I become. Then enter the resentment, the poison. It has been festering throughout my body and has caused me sickness, sanity and time…time that could be spent being content.

Ok Mandela. I continue to learn from you and be amazed that someone so human and so prolific has been in my world. I begin a week of reflecting on letting go and setting goals formyself. It sounds so new age and flimsy but I am inspired.

“It always seems impossible until it is done” – Mandela

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Gratitude

It is Thanksgiving. I am grateful and appreciative of so very much. I begin my day by Thanking the Universe that I am here and healthy and happy to enjoy all it offers today. I am thankful for the love and support of my husband and the joy and love of my daughter. Their presence in my life is continual motivation to celebrate myself and this life.

I am thankful for friends. I have some beautiful people in my life that are wonderful friends. Recently I have been thinking a lot about friendship and what makes a real friend. Because of this introspective I have looked at some relationships in my life that are gloriously healthy and some that are terribly toxic. I am remembering that as an adult I can reshape my commitments to myself and others every day. I am not bound to anyone or anything that is not a welcomed source of joy and love.

There are ups and downs of every relationship – yet to allow others or yourself to pound you down and down and down – is disfunctional and unwanted. I am embracing this and under renovations in my life.

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Perspective

sometimes it is important to see a situation from another point of view.

and sometimes it is more important to be confident in your own perspective.

this is something I am juggling lately. I want to be respectful of the idea that someone else has another opinion or valid perception of a situation. However, I think too often in my life I have tried to give everyone else their due and overlooked myself.

So now I say enough about your perspective I am having some “me time”…

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Finding the Dragon

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I think some circumstances in my life have caused me to break down and retreat. Wait, let me go back. I KNOW some circumstances in my life have caused me to break down and retreat. When I pause today and look back, I can see a slow crumble in my passion, my self esteem, my courage, my peace of mind, my trust.

There is strength hidden inside me. I can feel it now. There is a new glow emerging from the darkness. I am empowered to find the fierce love that flows within me and release it. I can be silent, still and content and still be fierce, strong and passionate. I am all things. I am finding the Dragon. I am listening, learning and loving this release.

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We will never have it all figured out.

I am watching my daughter play in the other room with my husband. I just finished a long round of tea party, puzzles and yoga with her. We traded off so I could get some work done. However, my attention floats back to her constantly and I am so grateful for it.

Something my daughter is teaching me is that we will never have it all figured out…and that is ok.