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Half Push Ups

In our house it is serious Girl Power time. We had a great time watching the Women’s World Cup and trying to empower our little one to know women’s sports are equally as awesome to watch as the Men’s teams.

Helping my three year old to have confidence and celebrate herself has opened my eyes to small injustices and sexist circumstances in our everyday life. I am examining how I speak and see myself…I want to give her a world where I practice what I preach. I have realized it ins’t enough to tell her she can be anything or that Women are as important as men or that there is beauty in all of us – if I don’t celebrate this daily.

Not too long ago, my husband, daughter and I were having fun exercising, doing yoga moves, stretches and being silly. At one point my husband told my daughter they were going to do push-ups. She struggled so he said wait, you do the girl ones and began to demonstrate. I said “hold on a minute, why do you call them ‘girl push-ups’? That doesn’t sound right. Are they ‘girl push-ups’ because they are not complete or as challenging?” He looked at me puzzled and said, “Honestly, I don’t know. They have just always been called that.” I knew he was right because that’s what I always heard them called…but it didn’t feel right any more. I announced as parents of a daughter we need to find a new name or a real term for those push-ups because she needs to feel validated, supported and empowered from home in order to take on the world.

So what did I do? I looked it up. They are called “half Push-ups”.  They are promoted towards women because most women have less upper body strength than men biologically speaking. I get it. Yet, is it really so hard to call it half push up? Because calling it girl push-up also makes men & boys feel alienated from something that could promote good health AND be better for their backs.

I am on the path – I am really trying to find ways I can make my daily speech and thought more tolerant and empowering. She is going to have a tough enough time dealing with all the stress and discrimination out there – she doesn’t need it reinforced at home.

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Delicate Balance

On several Channel Markers in the Indian River, Florida, families of Osprey make their nests. It is a beautiful site and if you are fortunate enough to be able to ride aboard a boat, you may get a very close look at the parents and babies in these nests. Be warned that the parents will rise, squawk and push their shoulders forward as if they are about to take flight – aiming for your face. Please go slow or idle for a few moments and then move along. These birds are majestic, fierce, delicate and sweet all in one moment. Their nests are very large intricate installations of art in some very precarious places. Two of the nests we photographed were built atop channel markers that triangular. It seems impossible that these enormous woven nests can dangle atop the peak of a sign…and yet they do with such stability and strength that I was left in awe.

Isn’t that what we strive for in our lives. We have somewhat messy lives, homes and hearts that are held together by available scraps and hope. I looked at these Ospreys and thought of myself. I was reassured. I feel like my life is a bit tattered, thrown together and teetering in the wind. I saw them working as a team to protect, build and feed and fly. I have a new vision of my sometimes chaotic and unraveling life. I am that Mother Osprey. I am proud of my nest  with its moss and twigs fluttering in the breeze. I protect and cherish my children and work with my husband to keep the balance, keep the strength, keep the majestic power of our lives.

Osprey Nest

Osprey Nest

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New Age Problems

On a long road trip our family is put through exhaustion and boredom. We share stories, laughter and tears. We have snacks, diaper changes and scenery changes.

On another ride from FLorida to New York we decided to stop in North Carolina for a night of rest. My three year old was screaming at me every time Kung Fu Panda disappeared. It was on ABC Family which means…commercials. She flipped out.

I tried to explain. I gave up and stared at her in amazement. My daughter cannot understand the concept of commercials while I still get amazed by pausing or rewinding ‘live’ television. We are in such completely different technology worlds.

She HATES commercials. I guess that is a good thing as it will hopefully limit the impulsive shopping requests.

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Madness at the Library!

This is a ridiculous story. Seriously, I can hardly believe this happened to me.

Yesterday it was quite cold out and our three year old was wanting to play. We had had a tough morning of battling the three-nager power struggles. I decided to take her to our local Library. This is something we have been wanting to do and haven’t since the birth of my son five weeks ago. My daughter loves book – she really LOVES books. She loves going to the library and bookstores. We haven’t been to our local because it was under renovations for a long time. This was an exciting adventure.

When we arrived, the library was not busy. There was only three people using the main library and another mother with her daughter in the children’s library. My little one and I went to a table and immediately set up shop. We got lots of books and started to read. She invited “grumpy” over to join in – a large stuffed version of the character from Snow White. eventually J went over to the table with wooden toys to play with the other little girl. Making friends at three years old can be exciting and terrifying – hell it can be like that at any age. Soon the girls were laughing, playing, and then began a round of “chase” using the wooden dinosaur and giraffe supplied by the library.

I began a chat with the other Mom and I too was excited at the prospect of another friend. Her daughter is the same age. We both have babies as well, mine 5.5 weeks, hers 6 months. We asked the girls to practice their quiet voices a couple of times when they squealed in delight. We encouraged them to take some books and read together. They did this. They took some books over to a corner and sat and pretended to read. It was so cute.

However, there was a staff member at the library who began a tyraid that I will never forget. This woman came out of an office and stormed over to myself and the other mom. SHe scolded us saying the girls were too loud and the screaming would have to stop. Now by this time another little boy and an adult had arrived. The little boy was chasing the girls as well and yes there was some screeching. All in fun. They were pretending to be the dinosaurs and animals in their books. We asked our girls to be quiet. (mind you nothing was said to the young boy or his father/grandfather)

The staff member came out later when the girls were quietly reading and approached my self and  my new mom friend M. This staff member thrust a puzzle piece at me and said nothing. I was confused. She shook it at me, I took it from her and she gruffly told me it was for the table. M reassured the woman that were planning on doing a clean up with the girls when we were ready to leave. Staff member acknowledges this by thrusting another piece of puzzle at me. Then she says “Oh and they left books on the floor.”

I am confused. Aren’t we supposed to be excited that children love books and not just TV? If you are employed by a library system you know how desperate we are to get children engaged in our public library systems. Also, if children are reading a book don’t freak that it is out of place. I turned to my new friend and said, “this is why people go to Barnes and Noble. You can read anything, stay as long as you like, play with the toys, move books around and you’re not even forced to buy. Why go to a library?”

We had a chat about how our town offers very few programs for kids. We both agreed that neighboring towns offer so much more in camps, activities and programs. It is sad tat our library was closed for a long time to renovate and you can’t see any difference.

Soon the staff member came out again and approached us. She yelled. Yes, she actually began to raiser her voice. She said that our children forced everyone to leave the library. No one wanted to be there because of them. SHe was full on leaning in, pointing and yelling. Out of the fecking blue. M politely told the woman that there was no need to yell. This apparently upset the staff person more. She stomped around slamming books. She went after my child. J was in their little corner where they had been reading. she was waiting for her friend and the staff person start to approach her. She was menacing and told my daughter to go that mommy needs her.” I harshly told the woman to stop and went to collect my girl. I was only 10 feet away. I explained that the lady was upset and we should leave before Mommy gets upset too. While I did this the staff person went verbally after M. She yelled at her that she couldn’t do her job and put books away because we were blocking her path where we were standing(apparently excuse  me is not in her vernacular). She screamed at M that she couldn’t get her work done in her office because our children were so loud. I said these girls are only three and she should check herself as it was getting very scary and hostile. She yelled that we should complain to her supervisor. M asked her her name and the woman screams “Majorie” then slams her office door.

We collected the girls and tried to nonchalantly exit. I was flustered because I had told my daughter that we would take books and a movie out. I also needed a new card. I was so riled up and afraid I would escalate things further. M said she had to return some things while I left. Thankfully I had thought to give her my name and info so we could meet again. I was so upset. As we were leaving my daught said” that woman has a bad attitude.” Yes, J, yes she does.

We arrived home and I tried to tell my husband what happened. I was repeatedly interrupted by my daughter who told Daddy that a woman yelled at mommy and was scary and mean. J was upset that she can’t go back to the Library but I reassured her that we will go back. I immediately go on the phone with my Town Supervisor. I felt horrible that I left my new friend there. I just new my limits and I knew I would get “ugly” if I stayed.

Later that evening I received an email from M. Her accounts of what happened after I left the library are here:

It was nice to meet you and J today at the library.
That librarian, Marjorie, was truly off her rocker! After you left, I went in to return books and she came in yelling about us to the other librarians. I asked her if she was so concerned about the noise, why was she being ten times louder than the three year olds.  She went into the back office and said she was filing an incident report about us.  The other librarian asked me if I wanted to fill one out too so I did. While I was standing at the desk filling out the form, she kept shouting and screaming in the back office, slamming things down, and actually started hysterically crying!  I heard her say “I’m going to beat the shit out of her!” about me all while I was just standing there filling out the report.  I asked the other two librarians if they heard that and they both acted like they hadn’t because I could tell they are afraid of her.  Neither of them would make eye contact with her and one of them suggested that she go home so she could calm down and she said that was exactly what she planned to do because she couldn’t take this anymore and that the “library wouldn’t exist without her” and that she “barely gets paid anything”. She then stormed out of the library crying. The other two librarians both suggested that we report the incident to the Director, K M.  I filled out the report which will be given to her and here is her email address in case you are interested in reporting Marjorie as well. I wrote on the report that I was shocked that the library employs someone who is so clearly mentally unstable, especially to be working around children.

Ridiculous right?! I have emailed the appropriate person. I have left a message with my Town Supervisor. I am going back to the Library. And be ready folks, I will record any and all encounters with this Majorie if needed. This happened…At the LIBRARY.

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EJECT

Recently my good friend has been struggling with his communication, his interactions, his relationship with a woman he was dating. This whole process from the moment I found out he was dating this woman has been strained and stifling for him and well for his friends who watched this emotional destruction. I have been supportive and nonjudgemental as long as possible. However, the past few weeks have had me speaking firmly to him. I have condensed my ideas and advice into one word: EJECT. It has become a mantra as he vents. we say “eject, eject, eject. ” I think this helps us both feel at ease as we help him have permission to walk away.

This has been a very insightful and rewarding experience for me – helping him to close the door on an unhealthy relationship. I recently did the same in my own life and it was excruciating. I stayed in an unhealthy relationship for years. I became a different person when I was with this friend. I became someone I did not like. During the thankfully last tumultuous spat with this person, I found myself exhausted, fearful and almost emotionally paralyzed. Another close friend tried to stay impartial but very graciously said, “it doesn’t have to be this awful. You are not this person with anyone else. Its time to stop. Its OK. You are not a bad person if you recognize you cannot change the toxins but it is bad if you keep ingesting them. It’s OK – hit the eject button.

I did. Without a lengthy goodbye or discussion. I just did it. Eject. I walked away and closed a door – whatever metaphor you want to put on it. I was sad and torn. I didn’t get a chance to tell this friend my side of anything or hash out my feelings and frustrations. I didn’t respond to accusations, blame or delusions. I didn’t try to compromise, console, or attack. I just hit eject. It sounds like exactly the wrong way to do it but it wasn’t. Sometimes it is better to just stop. Another great person in my life said, “The thing about banging your head against the wall is how good it feels when you finally stop.”

So recently I found myself stronger and more insightful and humble. I was able to tell someone else that although it can be draining, embarrassing and horrible to be entwined in a toxic relationship, just know that it is ok to simply hit the eject button. Eject, eject, eject. I care very much for my friend and it is difficult to watch him caught in a whirlpool of toxic faux love. I know I can’t tell him whom he should fall for or date. I support him in his decisions but I also can’t stand by and watch someone else diminish the person I care for and admire.

He has hit the button.

He now is more direct in his statements. Owning his actions, his feelings and contributions to all of his relationships. It is amazing how wishy-washy and self deprecating he had become. (It is very reminiscent to what I was doing all the time not so long ago.) I am very reflective of how far I have come this year in my own self worth and appreciation because I am able to help someone I am friends with let go of a demon. Eject. Eject. Eject.

I know I will come back to these realizations for me and in helping him. It is now empowering because I am coming out of the haze of defeat and guilt. I am emerging into a new phase of loving myself and honoring the good that I put out in the world. I hope I help my friend get there too.

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Love each moment

My little one is sick. She has a cough, sniffles and is generally miserable. We are cuddled up on the sofa watching some movies. I am holding her and doing my best to be patient that she is reluctant to eat and refuses medicine. It has been a trying weekend with her attitude and now I feel sad because she may have been beginning to feel under the weather.

However, when I think about the tantrums or the refusing medicine, I thank God she is here , no matter how difficult she may be at times. On my drive home from work, I listened to the news and reports and reflection about the recent terror attacks on school children in Pakistan. It is devastating. Just days after the two year anniversary of the school children killed in Newtown CT. My heart aches for the families and the state of the world.

Violence, terror and crime fills our daily news and lives. I look at my little girl and I am filled a desperate hope that she will be safe, healthy and happy for a long lifetime. I cannot imagine how families cope with such loss. My life is full of joy and purpose because of my daughter. She is my reason for living as a better person, every day.

I pray for peace. I pray for those families in Pakistan that they find a way to cope and find inner strength. I pray that terrorists and criminals no longer harm innocent people. I pray that my daughter can be safe and maybe even sheltered from this devastation. Every parent should have years and years of “I love you Mama”.

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Eye of a Storm

Over the past few months, we have been bombarded with the rage and reason of our little girl. She just turned three. She is attempting to be Master of Universe before she is fully potty trained. She is on her way!

As I re-read and then posted my last entry about a day when she was on a rein of terror, I have reflected on my emotions and how I express them. I have reflected on my husband’s expression of his. This little girl has made me realise that while we are helping her to deal with her emotions and find healthy and safe ways of expressing them – we too must do a little work on ourselves. We are her constant models of coping and striving. I know I could use some attention to detail in the area of anger management or self esteem.

Today I am thinking about how I deal with being angry, hurt, frustrated and embarrassed. All the things that set her off – how do they manifest in me. This is an evening or weekend of simply noticing and paying attention to what I do – or not do.

From that I might be able to make some healthy changes to my own lifestyle.

Thanks kiddo.

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feeling kind of seasick

**This was drafted Nov. 2 during a temper tantrum. I didn’t post then, but shall do so now.

As a mom and an educator, I have been diligent to read and discuss the temperaments of children especially during crucial times in their development. No matter how much I read or talk about with other people I am ill equipped to handle and process the mood swings and extremes of my toddler’s temper tantrums. I am powerless. I am weak. I am shattered. I am a puddle begging for mercy.

Her first real “scream at me for no apparent reason for two hours” tantrum came the first week of September 2013. I know this because I took a photograph and a short video. Not because I intend to tease her with it later in life, but because I was so taken aback by her behavior and didn’t know what was happening. I was alone – my husband was working and it seemed to materialize out of nowhere. It was irrational and upsetting. Yet, it was done in two hours completely and didn’t visit us again for many months. The first tantrum was about an ice Lollie, or the color of one I should say. It was mental…so I thought then.

Months later we saw the next surge of difficult behavior. My daughter is very strong willed and stubborn. I want so much to love and embrace this but it can be difficult because she has officially decided to have her own view on the world that many times clashes with our schedule. I accept her as her own spirit, her own person. I try my best not to be unrealistic in what I ask of her while she navigates this journey. But I might be going crazy in the process.

This summer we had a lot of travel plans. In hindsight, not a good idea. However, the predictable thing about toddler’s rage is it is unpredictable. We had no idea she would hit the “terrible twos/threes” while on summer vacation. She had brief moments of power struggles and time outs. But this summer she began to unleash the beast.

I am currently sitting on the sofa trying to hold it together. My daughter is in the other room throwing a fit of epic proportion. I am alone. My husband is working and I am exhausted. She is dismantling the last stronghold of sanity I have. I am in tears and broken hearted. It is excrusiating for a mother to watch their child loose their temper, be in pain, struggle with their emotions. Today if my daughter is not trying to fling herself out of her crib, she is trying to climb back in. During all of this, she yells like a banshee. Normally when she is upset, she needs me and only me. However, with this recent wave of outburts, no one can comfort her. We have to surf the tidal wave of toddler terror.

We have seen her pull her hair out, throw toys, books – anything she can grab. We have witnessed her scream, drool and spit like a scene from the exorcist. She hits, kicks and bites. It is madness. On more than one occasion I find myself terrorfied that she is mentally ill. There is NO way that this can be age appropriate or normal. Yet I try to get direction and solace from blogs and medical journals that all say – yup, welcome to the club. We are parents of Toddlers and there is no sanity till maybe the age of 4 or 5. Seriously?! Can I make it? We have another child growing inside of me and I am overcome with fear of the alliance that will be made against me and their father.

 

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girl pride

On a beautiful Sunday afternoon, my husband and I had plans to kayak on the Hudson River. We hired a babysitter and planned an afternoon date. On our way to get lunch and go for a paddle, we stopped in at an open house for some beautiful town houses around the corner from where we live.

We were not in the market to buy but we were curious. Maybe it is something we could do in the future. We strolled around the place and enjoyed our visit. Before we left, the agent representing the property approached us. She asked us about our lifestyle and needs. She saw that I am pregnant so she asked about kids. We told her we have a daughter and a son on the way. This is where it went oh so typical and oh so sour for me.

I am fed up with this stereotype that is perpetuated by worst of all – women, mothers.

This woman felt the need to try to “reassure” me that my son will be “easier”. Because boys are so much easier than girls she claimed. I informed her that I didn’t feel that my daughter was difficult or an imposition on my life. One would think she would have taken that as a cue – STOP TALKING.

Oh no, this woman launched into how boys settle things in their own way. “They figure out how to argue and fight and be done with it when playing with each other. But Girls”, she said, “Girls are bitchy and mean. Trust me she says put a bunch of little girls together and it gets nasty quickly. It is such a pain. I mean the boys fight, they hit and settle it.”

I quickly told her that I think that is a product of socialization to think that it is OK for boys to fight it out but girls should be proper at all times. I told her that maybe her perception or expectations are unreasonable and gender biased. I love my daughter and hope she will find a multitude of ways of expressing her feelings that are respectful to others and truthful to who she is as an individual.

This “boys will be boys” attitude is what allows us to look the other way as some young men develop traits, attitudes and misconceptions about what it means to be a man and how to treat women. If we take some ownership in how as a society, especially parents, we allow and foster an idea that boys are allowed to be hostile or aggressive. Just the same way that we don’t label our boys as being “bossy”. We encourage them to be “leaders”. Women have difficulties expressing anger, frustration and dominance in life due to a lifetime of stifling their emotions and desires because they are not seen as ‘ladylike’.

I am looking forward to beginning a life long love with my son and watching him grow and evolve. The same as I am on a glorious adventure with my daughter. Of course there will be differences but mostly stemming from the fact that they are different people. I want to foster their individual spirits as well as giving them foundation to deal with their emotions and assert themselves in their world in a positive healthy way.

 

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Trust Yourself

We are full steam ahead on this new adventure of including another spirit into this family. It is exciting, scary, and mind blowing all at the same time. I am 14 weeks pregnant and getting LARGE. It seems as though my body fell back into being pregnant quite comfortably and quickly.

I have been exhausted and feeling a bit haggard. Growing one baby while chasing a toddler is not an easy feat. I have had to exercise a lot of control to keep my anger, frustration and fatigue in check.

I think today I have turned a corner. I was flooded with doubt and general feelings of insecurity for the past few months. I know a lot of this is hormonal but I also think I had lost my inner strentgh. For the past three days I have been using a mantra of “trust yourself”. I am using this to propel myself into opportunities to be kinder to myself and put myself at the forefront of my energies.

Today I have gotten some work for my job done, I went to the gym and I have done some chores around the house. This included some amazing quality time with my little girl. This morning she picked carrots from our garden and ate them for breakfast. It was pure joy we shared while coloring and drawing farms to visit. I washed some new clothes for the baby and got officially excited to do this again. I look in the mirror and I have already gotten back the pudgy and chub I had worked so hard to loose but I know that this is weight of happiness I carry now. I don’t have to feel shamed or defeated by my appearance. I am building a nest.

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Unexpected News Pt 2

I have been on a journey of pushing myself to shed my barriers and baggage of my childhood and rediscover the free wheeling, risk-taking artist within.The news of having baby number two sent me into a scary place of doubt and fear.

I am realizing some of my fears are because of my own experiences as a sibling. I don’t have a lot of happy brother-sister memories. I wish I did. That’s part of the problem. I had a shitty relationship with my brother and I spent most of my life trying to pretend it was better or that we were close. I would have been better of  to accept it as a shitty relationship and move on. Not easy for a child to do.

I am worried that my daughter and her sibling will fight life my brother and I did. I was on the receiving end of a lot of verbal and physical abuse. I did not recognize it as unacceptable or horrific circumstances – it was just my life. I went most of my life thinking this is what most people experienced. I have felt like an outsider and worthless because I did not prescribe to my brother’s bully sense of humor. I kept quiet and let this fester and destroy me from the inside out. I know that it is not a family dynamic I want for my children. I am working on the concept that I will foster a different dynamic with my family. It is going to take a lot of work but I must do it.

Juliana gives me so much joy. I am learning about life and love every moment because of her. Maybe the Universe has decided I have earned an extra helping of this love. I have felt so unworthy my whole life but there is an excitement to think I am being blessed.

We have another appointment with the doctors on Monday. Juliana is going with me to hear the baby’s heartbeat. After this appointment we are telling our families the news. I need to embrace all of this for myself and not look to others’ reactions to determine my fate. Sometimes I still get caught in a trap of needing my parents’ approval or acceptance. This is my new family and I am determined to wrap myself in love and bravery.

It is so surreal we are having this baby. We spent so much time debating whether or not we should engage in any intervention. We decided to not pursue medical help and let it be. “one and done”. Both children were not planned but the Universe giving us what we need when we need it. Ok- here we go.

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Unexpected News pt 1

I am a ball of mixed emotions. We are pregnant again. We are not jumping up and down excited. Our first daughter is two and will be three in four months. We never went on the pill in between pregnancies. We were always dancing on the edge of if it happens – great, if it doesn’t – great. After a little over a year after our daughter was born I found out I had several polyps, cysts, and fibroids. We were given the impression having another child would be difficult. Almost another year went by and we were confirmed that tumors grew, hormones were wacky and now I have a fibroid in my uterus. We were recommended to surgery if we wanted to get pregnant.

We decided to be complete with our daughter. The three of us. I spent many months focusing on our future as a family of three. I began this uber committed mindset to do things for myself and provide an incredible life for my little girl. I started to get really excited to take better care of myself and have a little more focus on me.

While visiting family for the fourth of July, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I was in shock. We were no longer thinking about another baby. I had been telling myself about all the reasons why it was better to have one child. We chose not to try not to think about it until I could get confirmation from our doctor. They had given us every reason to believe that if we got pregnant, we would have a miscarriage.    We went to the doctor six days ago. Our midwife cried with joy to see the heartbeat. She said there was very little chance we would have any problems. She seems to think this is meant to be and everything is fine.

I think we are in shock. Are we happy? I feel like we have been getting conflicting ideas, reports, opinions on my health and fertility for over a year. Now I think we are worried that this won’t be as well, easy as the first pregnancy. I think my husband is worried that I will miscarry. I am more worried that something will be wrong with the baby.

We haven’t told anyone but a very close friend. I guess the minute we tell family it becomes real and we will have to be just as open with anything that happens. I hope people in our family are excited. For some reason I am thinking that this is not going to be as joyous a surprise.  Is that crazy? We will find out very soon.

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Road Trips are not for the weak

Last Monday morning, my family embarked on a road trip from the NYC area to Florida. It was me, my husband and our two year old daughter in the car. Most of our friends think we are crazy for driving so far with a Toddler. Maybe we are a bit crazy. I truly believe that these experiences are what bind us, keep us as a loving family. It is hours and hours of being enclosed in a car – just us. I know, I know that most people would shudder at the thought. But I love it. I look forward to it.

So much of our lives revolves around communication and experience that is quickly followed by something else. I want my daughter to embrace the monotonous journey down the East Coast with a ease and creative spirit. We spent a lot of time singing along to Mary Poppins and The Jungle Book. We play games and tell stories. The Ipad doesn’t come out until later in the evening of if it is meltdown central. Even in the car, TV is a last resort.

I am so aware that someday soon she will want to do plenty of other things rather than hang out with us. I am soaking it all in while I have the chance. Road trips are great. They are not without their challenges and drama. This last one was met with horrific smelling gas and an imminent bought of diarrhea. We made it to South Carolina before the really icky stuff came our way. She was a trooper.

The toughest part is usually when we get to our hotel. We stop halfway or sometime a little further if we are lucky. She seems to perk up and find new strength right when Mummy & Daddy are finally able to sleep. Although it is annoying, it has provided us with some of the most hilarious memories of her running around a hotel room laughing hysterically at herself in full length mirrors. This time when we checked in, we used a bell hop’s cart to take our luggage up to the room and she got to ride along. It was like the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade in the hotel! She waved and cheered and had the most wonderful time riding with our bags. Simple things. We have to unplug our phone in the room because she immediately gets on it to call someone. She finds pleasure in the littlest things and it is wonderful even late at night with 10 hours logged in on the road.

But in the morning it is back on the road. It is always a look of terror we have when 10 minutes down the road she wants to know how much longer. This time around, it was very hot and she was starting too get her bad belly. She was feverish and generally miserable. We stopped at a gas station and changed her diaper.  A policeman came over on his motorbike and showed her the lights. He gave us a free coupon for a slurpee at 7-11. I was so grateful. Not because we couldn’t afford it, but because it was just the excitement she needed to get hydrated and take Tylenol. It was a gift from the heavens. Also because it gave me the excuse to get one for myself!

The last 8 or so hours of our drive, I spent cramped into the back seat against all the bags. My daughter was insistent that I sit right next to her. In the middle of the back seat with my legs on the center console. She wanted to hold hands and chat. It was terribly uncomfortable. I had sharp pains in my hips that eventually went numb. I was subjected to what felt like 24 hours straight of Peppa Pig. I survived on twizzlers, chips and a little pasta salad. The magic is when I look back on it all, I smile. I am reminded of the pats on my forearm, the stories, the giggles and the kisses.

 

 

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A Bully is a Bully

It has been a tough week, hell a tough year at my job. Recently my coworkers and I have been subjected to some pointless at work drama. In a pub, at a celebration of people, a party for people who are leaving to go to other jobs (they were laid off), one of my co-workers become loud, agressive and hostile. I was NOT there so this is third party reflection. However, it is truly sad as to why this became drama that extended to almost twice as many people who were actually there at the pub.

My co-worker began to interrupt to attempt at being festive to launch his usual campaign and floggings about our contributions to global warming and the destruction of the universe. He was not drunk. He then became semi abusive in his quest to turn everyone within earshot to be Vegan. This guy does this a lot. We usually shrug it off, but a lot of people have had it with him. Finally, one of the guys that is ‘friends’ with him let him know that people take offense to his approach. Whereas he might be correct and have scientific evidence to back his claims he has undoubtedly become a “Vegan Bully”. When I heard this term, I said that’s exactly what he is!

Vegan Bully. He engages in hostile, aggressive and damning rhetoric to “encourage” his audience to become vegan. Unfortunately he has turned off so many people from trying to cut back from processed foods and meats. I have said he actually makes you want to eat meat and burn down the rainforest.  Maybe only a slight exaggeration. slight.

The point of all of this is – a bully is a bully. Even if you are trying to bring people to a better way of life, your tactics matter. Our Vegan Bully (VB) tried to compare himself to an abolishionist. Really, on the 50 year anniversary of the freedom rides and so many events in the Civil Rights Movement – he wants to use that as his defense to being a jackass. Yuck.

I say, Celebrate your life. Find Balance. Make achievable goals towards a better you and a better world and come from a place of love.

No Bullies allowed.

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Summer Solstice

It’s day 2 of my “no Red Meat Week”. I don’t eat a lot of red meat. SO I decided that this was a great way to begin an experiment of a cleaner, leaner me.

I began my morning with Bikram Yoga at 8:30 am. 105 degrees and loved every moment. OK, maybe loved every moment is a inflation of the truth. There were some definite moments of struggle, despair and pain. Yet, in the end, it felt good. I got on the scale this morning as well. Facing the facts and moving forward.

Breakfast was quinoa and spinach salad with lots of water to drink. I feel good. Really good. We have spent most of this lovely afternoon outside in the garden. My daughter kept saying it is a beautiful day and she is right.

Tonight we are going out and I am determined to eat healthy and have a good time. I am blessed with a wonderful family and I am allowing myself to just enjoy life a lot more than I have done. It has a been a tough few months and I am realising that I have been very tough on myself.

Clean eating can lead to clean thinking. This is what I am going on for now.

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No Red for 7

So this week I am going without red meat. Seven days of no red meat. The hope is I will then try seven more and maybe cut back or eliminate something else as well.

It is astounding the health benefits that can be gained from eating a cleaner diet. I am overwhelmed by the toxic way of life I have been living in so many ways. This is my summer of a new self, a fresh start.

No red meat 20June-27. I don’t think it will be difficult except that I have come to realize that so much of the crap I eat is out of convenience. We are what I would have called fairly healthy. But in this attempt to be better to myself and be more honest – no we can do better. My husband will NOT give up meat and I do not expect him to do so. I do hope that we can try to shop more responsibly in the future.

 

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Spring time is for reclaiming myself

Recently I took some risks. I put myself out there, exposed myself to others I didn’t know. I read some of my writing aloud and received feedback. I didn’t over think. I jumped. It felt great. It made me want to do more. I want to take care of me a bit more than I have. I have been missing things I used to have or do in my life. I can mold some of these things into a new version of me. I want to. I am excited.

 

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the other pillow is empty

Even though I am so tired, I am tired from the inside out, even though I have built and commandeered a world class emotional roller coaster for a long time,  even though I have chased and run and cooked and planned and written and listened until I thought I could do no more…

I cannot sleep without your head on the pillow next to mine.

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Backseat healing

I am guilty of this…being so hurt or struck by something that I am rendered speechless or paralytic. I say I will put my healing, my process, my self first but then I try to drive that forward from the backseat. Now easy. Not practical. Not productive.

I am taking risks and talking more. I am trying to stand up for myself or make initiative on healing. I am not good at this. I am not.

In saying this I am not looking to make excuses but to own my deficit. It seems the past six months has been a lesson on a lot of things I am not good at – interpersonal, communication, self healing type of things…there are more but just that mini list makes me sad.

I need to get in the front seat. I need to feel confident in my healing and that it doesn’t mean I am running someone else over. I do have such wonderful people in my life. I celebrate them by letting myself be the wonderful person they love.

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come in from the cold

Aside a dancing bonfire in our garden I was reunited with the warmth of my happy soul. The flames flicked and raged cutting through the bitter cold air. The logs piled onto of a snowbank with an icy trail cut around for dancing. Lounge chairs sunken into the frosty snow with a view of our semi-frozen river invited me to rest and learn to warm myself from the inside out.

It is true, I will never be perfect. Not even close and that is fine. I will be warm, I will be loved, I will love.

The people we spend our precious time with is crucial to our inner warmth and strength. I lost my way on this recently. I vowed this year to get back on track and I know I am on that path. I am dancing around a fire in the frigid night air with a smile on my face and laugh in my heart.

 

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RIP PSH

Someone died this week.

I am not speaking metaphorically, he really died. He was an inspiration to me as an artist and I am especially grateful for the few times I had the pleasure to chat with him. I will always be amazed and inspired by his talents.

I have anecdotes about talking with him or seeing him perform or even direct. But right now I am slightly bothered by what I seem to be inundated with in my social world. I cannot escape the anger that people have towards the individuals trying to catch the people who sold him the drugs. See, this man died from an overdose. A pretty serious amount of narcotics was the culprit. It is horrible, tragic and painful for all who loved him. Now, his loved ones and the authorities want to catch the people behind the drug deals.

This has a lot of other people angry. Angry because they feel that if he had been black or not famous – no one would care about catching the dealers. Maybe this is true. Maybe we don’t hear about the not so famous dealers getting caught because they are selling to not so famous people. I agree that drugs and their abuse is a massive problem in our society. I believe that racism is a massive problem in our society.

I want to just encourage anyone who reads this to think about this for at least 24 hours.

Someone died. Some mother’s child died. He had an illness, an addiction and the family is hurting. They have enlisted their loved one’s fame in order to catch someone who could be dealing to not so famous people, black people, brown people, purple people. Maybe we can give the family a day longer to hold their loss dear and feel empowered to make positive change happen through this loss

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A Great Holiday Craft

Hand print wreath

Hand print wreath

I was just thinking about this amazing holiday craft that I found in a magazine and made some of my own. I made wreaths for the grandmothers of my daughter and one for ourselves. I used the handprint when she was one year old and it makes the most sweet holiday decoration. I even told one of my good friends to bring me a tracing of her son’d hand and I made one for her. It is really easy so I thought I would share.
Supplies Needed:
cut out tracing of a hand
different colors of green felt
foam wreath ring of your choice in size
a wreath bow
scissors
pen
glue gun

Directions:
-take hand tracing and cut out several green felt versions – amount depends on size of hand and size of ring. (I use about seventeen handprints)
-Place the felt handprints around the wreath in a pattern or grouping of your liking.
-Glue the handprints down to the ring.
-Take the bow and tie around the wreath concealing the twist tie – I make an additional loop on the back with the tie for hanging.
-enjoy

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A Good Cry

She was napping. I was using that time to get things done. A common attempt in our house. I was crossing the room wondering how long she would sleep when I heard the first howl.

It was if the Banshee had entered my daughter’s body and was signaling the chariots that my glimpse of free time was dead. Over. Kaput. Yet not without an interesting lesson to learn.

I opened her door and called her name ever so sweetly. She wailed and kicked. I went to her bedside and told her I was there and that I love her. My little girl thrashed and yelled. I asked if she wanted me to pick her up and she said No. I tried to stroke her and she said go away. I left the door open and went out of the room. She continued to scream and wail. I called to her and said I am here, I love her and when she is ready I will come get her.

The yelling continued for some time, it is hard to tell how long. Any amount of time my child is in distress feels like an eternity to me. I went back into the room giving her space but letting her know I was there. She asked, Where’s Daddy?” I reminded her that he was working today and would be home soon. I asked if she wanted to get out and come in the other room. To which she screamed No and continued to sob.

I stayed and sat with her. I gave her soft soothing words, telling her of my love for her. I moved to the other room and got some cozy blankets together on the sofa and some grapes. I called to her again and said I would love so much to cuddle her. When I approached her bed she was sitting up clutching her purple blanket. She put her arms out for me.

I scooped her up still crying. I changed her diaper while she cried and yelled. I smiled and said I want to understand what she is feeling but I will wait. I bundled her back up and embraced this siren sounding girl in my arms. We sat on the sofa and snuggled into our blankets. Soon she saw the grapes and her crying slowed. She took one and put it in her mouth.

I rubbed her back as she let the tears and grape juice stream down her face. I kissed it all away as she calmed. I closed my eyes and breathed deep breaths. I continued this meditation until she sweetly said, “Mummy, I want more grapes, please.”

About two hours later we were playing and having a wonderful time. She stopped  to say, ” Mummy, I was crying.”

“Yes, my love, you were.”

“I needed to scream Mummy. I needed a good cry.”

In that moment I was overwhelmed with love and astonishment. I was so proud of her for understanding this about herself and proud of me – for not making her feel that she had to be quiet or stifle this expression. We were at home, just us – sounds like a very good time for a good cry.

How is it that my two year old has a better awareness of herself and confidence in her needs and expression than I may ever have? I alter my thoughts and feelings so I won’t impose on others. I stifle, stuff and suffocate my feelings. I over think, over explain and let others over power my needs. Here is this little person so full of self awareness and self esteem. She is teaching me and I can only hope I will be her best student.